Confused with husband/almost exhusband - reading or advice would be appreciated

  • Maybe it's because of the time of year again - but I am very confused by my husband/ex-husband's actions. On January 10, 2009 he got ticked off at something I said I out then 8 yr old little girl's BD party and decided that he wanted to talk to me about a divorce - might you this was in a bowling alley with a number of 8 yr old children and their parents. I told him - "I don't have to talk to you about this right now." So he left the party and packed some things and went to his cousins. On Tuesday, Jan 11, he gave a divorce attorney a $7500 retainer. On Friday I got a letter from this attorney stating that he was my husband's attorney and that he was seeking a mediated divorce. The letter was on my kitchen counter and had already been opened -s o my husband cam home and had opened it. I proposed all kinds of alternatives to him that weekend but he said - "it's a done deal, the wheels are spinning." So I expected to be served the following week. I went down and tried to file for a legal separation and went I went back the next day, my paperwork was done - his attorney had not filed like mu husband said he had - it was a lie - I guess. FOr 6 months I tried to reconcile and he kept saying he was done and wasn''t coming back. He kept doing things by his rules - not following what the stipulations were. I never, I all the time we were married went looking for anyone else - no matter how sad I was. We both like each other a lot, but it is only a platonic friendship. I realized what it was like to be around someone who shared the same interests and who liked me for me instead fo trying to control me. Last May 2010, my husband moved back in and signed a temporary agreement that this was solely for the purpose of getting the huge debts paid off that were run up by the divorce (he blames me for running up the attorney bill and for running up all sorts of other bills, etc. etc.). Now, I am halfway paid off - he is supposed to help out but does not. He pays the mortgage and utilities, taxes and insurance and buys a little food, but I have to pay a lot of other household expenses as well. My salray was supposed to go to paying of the debts and if it was it would be paid off by now. I think that he purposely is trying to keep me in debt so he can stay here longer. He is giving me all sorts of excuses about why he can't move back to his condo this summer (The year lease if up on May one but it could then go month to month). He now says he can't afford to live there and pay me what I need to take care of the kids and stay here (well - he should have though of that before he left and he should not have bought the condo). He keeps praising himself oon what a good deal he got on this condo - but if he cannot afford to live there why did he buy it? He signed a notarized document that he would move out because he and my adolescent daughter are driving me insane. He does not discipline her and I cannot because he does not back me up. She uses fould language around the littler child who is developmetnally delayed. She sets a poor sibling example. My husband only does fun stuff with the kids. He has an addictive behavior problem - beer, cigarettes,online gambling, on line pornography and he lies about it and tries to deny it. I have been married to this guy for 20 years and I want to find someone who will really love me before it is too late. But I am financially co-dependent on my husband and the longer he stays, the better of a cushion I could build for myself and better able to take care of the littler girl.

    When I tell my male friend about my husband's attitude towards moving out, his response is like "what - well isn't that the agreement he signed? You have to work towards that date. He has to go. He can't stay - that just can't happen." I don't know if he is saying that to be protective of me or because he has designs on me himself. Now my husband is trying to turn things around and say he never wanted a divorce and he just did that so he could buty the condo as an investment property (this is an obvious lie - no one gives an attorney a $7500 retainer, spends another $2500 in attorney fees and $5000 on collaborative divorce therapists, just to go out and buy a condo)

    He gaslights continually. I am afraid to push him out too soon because my job is getting iffy.

    I am also worried that this may be the best I can get in my lifetime.

    Anyone who can look into my husband for me and try to see if you can get a grip on his motives for me would be greatly appreciated.

    If you need BD's - mine is 3/14/1958. My husband is 6/12/1961

    Here is my friend's birthday if you need it, but I think I have pretty much had to relegate him to the category of really good friend because I do not know how things are with him with his relationship right now. (That's okay - good friends are good to have) anyway, is 11/16/1965.

    This is the same old story - some of you all have heard some of it by now. I know that I am not crazy but my husband's constant lies and denial of the truth and denial of things that he has said and done just drives me nuts. thanks all!

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  • Watergirl - THANK YOU - Everything you have said is so inspiring. I do feel stronger than I did this time of year last year - mainly because my finances are not quite so dismal.It is just so hard to make decisions and make plans when the party in question changes plans, lies about changing plans and changes his words to meet whatever suits the circumstances and then tells ou that you didn't hear what you heard. I keep asking if I should just give up. Perhaps this is the best I can hope for and I should be happy with what I have as so many have so little.

    thanks so much once again.

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  • Thanks samphom - I have - I have been told to stand my ground with my husband. That my job will be okay and secure. That there is someone waiting to see what blows over with my husband before coming forth for me. I am definitely not as overwhelmed as I was last year. I have also realized one thing - even though I am not happy in the situation - this is the worst time of the year to be alone. We have far too many patients coming through the ER this time of year, every year. And every year for the last several years, there are more and more. SO I should feel lucky to have a roof over my head, a job and a person in my house who will help sometimes between playing online poker and watching yet another BIG GAME.I am able to buy presents for the spoiled unappreciative teenage daughter and give a few "second-hand items to the younger sibling who appreciated everything. If only life could be as simple as it is seen through the eyes of my youngest child. She is happy with such simple things it is amazing.

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  • Turtledust

    I was taken a bit by the degree of your resentment towards your husband.No judgement here I have my own old stuff that miraculously reappears seemingly unbidden.In my experience resentments only hurt us. It's not always easy but to choose to think differently has helped me tremendously. Not that I've perfected it mind you. I agree w/ watergirl to Value yourself more. I hear a squeak of wanting independence and also a deep relying on his income and tons of judgement from you about his choices. May I suggest you take your focus off him and into your own life. Where you can choose not to experience the ugliness, but the love. You clearly don't want to fix the relationship so let it go,it is a waste of energy he is who he is. The focus I suggest is that of your wee child. She has gratitude for the simplest things. She has something to teach you. It can be that simple! The love you seek is right there in your little one.

    The purity of heart our young ones possess is a true treasure.

    Cheers P

  • Hi Pfree - yes I have a great deal of resentment . I have given many years of my life to someone who has told me one thing and done another for so long - and then told me that I saw or heard otherwise, that I began to think I was crazy - he has even told me many times that I was crazy and how lucky I was to have him because "no one else would want me."

    I now know that I am not crazy and that I have been manipulated into this situation for many years without even realizing it. I don't actually know if I have resentment against my husband so much as I resent having wasted so many of the good years of my life trying to "fix" myself when I was not the one who was "broken." And you are right, my little one is my angel. ANd she is the one I worry most about in this situation. Thanks again!

  • I really cannot give any kind of relationship advice. I've never been able to do them beyond friendship. I find for the most part being single easier in many ways. I have sooo much to learn myself around accepting others and what I cannot "control" or get my head around in others behavior.I actually need to take my own advice. I too have a daughter w/ disabilities and a ex who chooses not to participate. Resentments and disappoints keep recurring around unaccountability and my question to myself is "why is it so hard to accept this is how it is?" But after a few weeks of re ruminating and flogging the old dead horse yet again I can see how I choose poorly and then do the blame scapegoat bit. I am not saying this is your behavior but it is very common. Especially when we are carrying big responsibilities like our jobs,children and special needs children at that. It can feel like we could use a 3rd hand at times. Personally I find I am happier when I do not expect anything from others and can do my best and leave the rest. Now how to live from that place.. that is the question! I try to have a friendship w/ my daughters father all be it very limiting. You can count the days/hrs he's spent w/ my her on his hands and she is almost 30. I highly recommend finding support. Others w/ similar challenges to model success and positivity. If having a supportive friendship to help each other raise this child is not happening this is something you may need to champion yourself the way you champion your daughter and her needs. For me my daughters self esteem has been my concern but all I can do is work on my own. Model it as well as I can. Simplify. Pare down my needs so to speak. The changes at work may be unsettling but believe me losing the income would be unsettling too. I would encourage you to be flexible there learn to bend and shift and trust in yourself to adjust. I trust I have not said too much,hope to be of help.

    Cheers P

  • Thank you so much Pfree. It sounds like you know what I am going through, although I think my husband might bit at least somewhat more involved than it sounds like your ex is. At least he will pay for something that makes him look good to the kids (i.e. a trip or activity that I cannot afford but which makes him look good to the kids) He unfortunately, would not pay for extra turtoring for the younger girl or extra OT or anything, which is what upsets me. ANd you are right, I cannot afford to be unemployed. What I can do though is to continue to make myself indispensible in some other way - find myself another niche .and not try to fix everything all the time. thanks!

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