Friendship with married cancer man became intimate. Im married too.

  • Im married and my cancer men too. We both work together for about 3 years and are friends but lately we became closer. it started with enjoying jokes, then little friendly touch. Just having fun. After few months of these, the attraction became evident. He pursued me but I always turned it down and played as if nothing happened and still remained friends. I am happily married for more than 15 years and had kids. I was always branded as good girl since I was a child, never been astray. MY husband is my first and my last man. My cancer friend is married but the marriage was rocky. He confided to me that he poorly cope up with problems. Before he indulge in alcohol to push things aside but had stopped it and shifted it to women. He has been opening up to me slowly even taiking to me about his childhood (not so good experience) and his roots and family. My cancer friend is not my type of guy but as I learned to know more about him, I learned to like him and even accepted his flaws..flaws that before could turn me easily off may it be lovers or friends.I seemed to feel really connected with him that I could actually see him through without him telling me. I could seem to read his mind and understand whats happening when he is in different mood shifts. I can always feel him even if I dont want to. Later our friendship became intimate. He didnt stop pursuing me till I gave in which I cant understand why I did. I have known to have a very strong self control. I can always say no to men who pursue me even when I was single, even if I like them. I am strong but I cant understand why now? I tried so hard to stop it and him cause this is cheating and I felt so much guilt. I beg him to stop and just be friends which he understood. I moved on, still seeing each other almost everyday at work, played as if nothing happened between us and enjoying plain friendship and I found it more rewarding, more peace of mind and Im more happy. My relationship with my husband became even better. My cancer friend started seeing another girl at work just right after I put a stop in our relationship. I see him visiting this girl often and even talking on the phone with her constantly at work in my face. I felt so bad because I thought we are friends and friends respect each others feelings. I never felt disrespected before in my entire life. But I told myself this is KARMA...I deserve this because I had done wrong. I will accept whatever punishment God will give me for choosing to be a bad girl for the first time, to know how it feels. I do regret doing it with him but I didnt regret the friendship. He is a nice but disturbed man that I want to help him. I had moved on and we even became more close as real friends. I often give him advices, telling him that hes acting inappropriately when I see he is. I tell him(not so good) things that he has been doing that he seem not aware of and I see him actually following my advices. He is honest telling me whats going with him,his life and marriage even about women he has been seeing and I always took it coyly and showed acceptance. I admit I missed him.I was enjoying more my work and tried not be bothered by him and my thoughts because it makes me crazy at times.I dont love him but he seemed to have a special place in me. I enjoyed the company of other male friends ( with no malice)and he did observed that. but as I am moving on and pulling away, he seemed to come back to me all the time. Telling me he missed me. He seemed cant totally let go of me. Pursue me again and again as he sees me moving on again and again. I tried so hard to not give in it but always find myself back with him again. My heart is torn with guilt but it seem this cancer friend has a grip on me. I have no one to turn to but me. I am thinking of moving to another job but the market is poor and I love my job and the place very much. I always pray that God will take this feeling away from me and from him and I know God has been helping me but weak as I am, I felt short.How could I get rid of my crab? Please help me pray.

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  • Thanks Jenna29 for your advice. I appreciate it. I really had a hard time getting rid of him partly because we see each other at work. There is no way that we two can have more children but anyhow, we talked about them openly. We both talked about our family life. He knows Im happily married coz I always tell him and he sees I am. He is in the brink of divorce but still staying in the marriage for his child. I was always there as a friend and has no intentions of being more than that. I always give him advise to stick on his marriage, give it a chance and exhaust all means before deciding. I tried not to be physically involved with him anymore but he always keep coming back specially in times that he is really down and Im there always trying to console him which sometimes end up with physical intimacy. Jenna29 I love my husband dearly and I cant imagine growing old without him. But I have this strong bond with cancer friend that i could hardly break away. Its just like a cancer. I know its ironical that im always advising him to not let go of his marriage with his wife but im here cheating with him on her along with other women he is on. I dont know how i was able to take this, This is really out of my character. Sometimes i felt he is just using me for an egofeed but sometimes I really see that what im doing really helps him. I dont know what to do at times. I need to break away for my sanity and be a good woman again as i was since then. Its easy to say but its hard.

  • Pray for me Jenna29 that I will be healed again. Thank u.

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  • I get the impression that this Cancer guy is younger than you? I see that the guilt is racking your heart. Let him go. Nothing good will come of this. Consider his wife and children. He needs to learn how to cope with their problems and work it out with her. Getting strange from another woman is not going to do that. This Cancer sounds an awful lot like my Cancer hubby! He must realize that the bad childhood, the alcohol.... all excuses. Many people have less than ideal childhoods and are still faithful and moral. Being involved with him is not helping him. It's justifying his excuses. There are many times in a marriage that people will feel they are on the brink of divorce. They just have to work through it. If he doesn't love his wife then he should let her go. I can relate to the pain she will go through when all of this is discovered. And it will be. What's done in the dark always finds its way to the light.

    He started seeing another girl right after you stopped seeing him because what you and him have is not special. If not with you then it could be anyone willing to lend him an ear and some sympathy. He is probably playing the same game with his wife. Put yourself in your husbands shoes and imagine that he will be doing this to you. You have a man that loves you. Why give him up for someone you are just one of many to? That is the chance you are taking. Mr. Cancer is destroying his family. Don't let him destroy yours while he is at it. How do you know that he really wants out of his marriage? He could be telling his wife that she is the love of his life the whole time. She may have no clue of what's going on. She should ,because, this is not right. Even if he can't father children with someone else, he can still bring something home that Ajax can't wash off. If he's running game on you to the point that you are making excuses for him then ,be rest assured, you aren't the only one. I'm married to a smooth operator like this. He has threw them all under the bus when he was found out. Take my advice girl and best of luck to you!

  • One more thing......

    You cannot " save " someone. People have to save themselves. No matter what kind of support they have or who is helping them along.... it's an inside job. He has to find it in himself to do the right thing. He shouldn't need someone to remind him to do the right thing. He's on his way down. Don't go down with him. He won't have any trouble finding someone to take your place.

  • Thanks for your advice. I know what im doing is totally wrong and im suffering from it. Im trying hard to make get rid of this thing and just be friends without benefits. Im already feeling what youre saying even before your post. I felt this is really pulling me down and i have to get away. Im realizing that eventhough he's acting as if he cares but he is really not. Im just a bootycall and being used for his comfort. My eyes are slowly opening to the reality that what i percieved as special bond for me doesnt really exist. There is actually nothing special for him.= and I( have so much to loose. My problem now is we see each other everyday at work. How can I get rid of him? I want to do it slowly so that it will not create any animosity. I cant just understand why he kept coming back especially if he sees me drifting away.

  • What type of work do you do? Transfer departments. The problem with the just wanting to be friends is that you already have more then friendly feelings toward him or you wouldn't be in this situation. Also, it wouldn't have bothered you when he would flirt with another girl in front of you. Realize that you are letting the excitement of the attention of someone new get you in this position. You are experiencing guilt because you have "real" love with your husband. Ask yourself.... if the shoe was on the other foot and your husband had an affair with a co worker, would you be okay with him being determined to remain " friends"? Sometimes the best way to avoid temptation is to put yourself in the place of the people you are going to hurt most. Picture to yourself that your husband is going to find out and that your actions now can increase or lesson the severity of the damage it will cause.

    You speak as if your marriage is good and you want to stay in it. What is your co worker offering you that your husband doesn't provide? Is staying friends with Mr. Cancer worth risking your marriage? Sometimes doing the right thing means burning bridges. Realize that him coming back over and over might be a reflex thing. When you feel yourself losing something it's human nature to hold on tighter. If you told your partner in crime that the guilt is killing you and ,you think it may be best to tell your hubby and his wife, he might back up for fear of being caught. Trust that he DOES NOT want his wife to find out no more than you want your partner to find out. It's possible that it will make him angry. He will back up though because you will no longer be safe. If he's gets angry it will be because he never foresaw you doing such a thing in the first place and he knows his game has been turned around on him. Should you hold your ground then he will either (1) ~ Avoid you ,or, (2) ~ Try to stay on your good side so you won't tell his wife.

    Should you keep being friends with him then you are dooming yourself to living in this turmoil until one of you leaves that work place. How big of a place do you live in? Should anyone else where you work get wind of what is going on between you and Mr. Cancer , it runs a high chance of getting back to your hubby or his wife. My hubby works several counties away and things get back to me. Some by chance and some by people he doesn't know that I know. Maybe you should make arrangements to talk to his wife. Meeting her might give you a real picture of the games he's running. I hope I'm not sounding harsh. I'm just trying to be real. You're playing with fire but you aren't going to be the only one to get burned.

    It's obvious that you wish to stay with your husband. Act in such a way that you would wish for him to should the shoe be on the other foot. Honestly ask yourself, if your husband had feelings for another woman, what actions would he have to take to make you feel comfortable? Could you see him go to work everyday and know he chose to remain friends with the woman? Just try to see things from the perspective he would have. No matter if you said that your feelings for a co worker was not much more than friendly, your actions say different.

    I hope I'm not sounding judgmental. It's just that I've been on both sides of this fence. First I was in your husbands place and then, I was in yours. I'm just trying to save you heartache. That's all there is here. You say this man has a special place in you. Remember, he has a more special place in his wife and children heart as you do your husband's and your children. This co workers attention and friendship is not worth losing the respect and trust of your family. That is something you can never get back fully no matter how you try. Some hurts never heal and this would be one of them. The excitement of someone new can never replace the comfort and security of old love. Old love is tested and true. Maybe not as exciting but it is the thing we all dream about. Make your husband your best friend and you'll find it easy to chuck this toxic Cancer out of your life.

    Out of curiosity, what is your husbands sign? Maybe if you listed the birthdays of your Cancer co worker, your birthday and your husbands, someone could come along and give you a reading into how this all plays together. I'm not a reader. Just a hard knock student.

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  • You know piecesparadox what you said really hit me hard bottom. I cried coz everything you said is true. Painful as it is but youre right. I had no one to really turn to/talk to about me and my cancer friend but just us which is not healthy at all. I could not afford to tell everything to my husband coz it will kill him and i will loose him. Ironical I know. I love my husband dearly but i admit im having a midlife crisis. I need to get out of this. Im trying really hard. My cancer friend and I work really hand in hand in a small department. Its hard to transfer or to resign because of the job market and security/ economy. I dont have much choice but to stay. Today i made sure that I will not be left alone with him in the room and if its inevitable that we are the only one, I kept my self busy and maintain conversation very short. YOu really are a great help coz I was able to release my emotions and able to hear great advices telling me Im not alone and if you were able to get over and redeem yourself , I know I can. I know its my choice. Please pray for me for strength.

  • I'm happy to hear that I could provide you some help and comfort. If you need someone to talk to, I'm around. It's a long road but you can do it. Every time that you're with your co worker, imagine that your husband is standing there watching you. I didn't really mean for you to tell your husband. I meant that you should make your co worker believe that you might. Like I said before, he does not want his wife to find out any more than you want your husband to. If he believes the possibility is there for you to tell then you will not be " safe '. He'll be more reluctant to pursue a relationship with you.

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