My Story, Your support and Hans, your guidance please



  • I met a school administrator online. Date for over 18 months and we got engaged. I uproot my life, gave up a great career in Texas and sold my house to join life with him in Florida to find out he has anger issues, communication problems, and fidelity (or commitment) issues. Over our course of 3 years relationship, I have found out about him talking with other women, seeing other women and inviiting other women home (they can be married or single, I don't think he is picky as long as they admire his charm). Every time I found out about his cheating, I told him baby you are forgiven because I love you, let's go to counseling. But everytime he said to me you brought all these hurts and pains to yourself. I don't need counseling. You are the crazy one. I don't want this anymore....

    I felt lost. I gave him my sincerity, faithfulness and loyalty...but how could he do this to me? He is not even remorseful or guilty for what he did to me. We have a beautifulo daughter together. She is 19 months old now.

    Hans, i have a few questions that really can use your guidance and insights.

    My DOB: 12/10/1973 Born in HongKong, China

    His DOB: 1/17/1963 Born in Roxboro, North Carolina

    1. Should i stay and work this relationship out?

    2. Will he ever change?

    3, Do you see a healthy future in this relationship?

    4. What future do you see in us?

    5. What should I do now? I am losing my mind?

    6, Should I move back to where I came from (Dallas, TX)?



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  • candy3000,

    how could he do this to me? because the heart is at the same time thoroughly excluded.

    i really can use your guidance and insights: pool all your energy for your most important goal you are hoping for.

    His DOB: 1/17/1963 Born in Roxboro, North Carolina: he has considerable emotional power, charm and personal magnetism. This power could be used to bring him success in any activities that deal with groups of people such as acting or sales work. It is also an indicator of having healing energy, a 'spiritual force' gathering in him, a force he can use to better his life in many ways. This power is available to use at his discretion. This will give him the power to get his way with people, both personally and professionally. It can bring him more social fun, better intimate relationships or more success in his business.

    1. Should i stay and work this relationship out? Yes.

    2. Will he ever change? No.

    3, Do you see a healthy future in this relationship? No.

    4. What future do you see in us? Being more distant mistrusting each other.

    5. What should I do now? You need counseling.

    I am losing my mind? No.

    6, Should I move back to where I came from (Dallas, TX)? Yes, certainly.

    I guide, because you are so burdened with teachings.

    My guidance is just a thorn to pull out your thorn. The

    moment it is pulled out, both will be thrown. I'm not

    going to replace your knowledge. It is not that you

    have to throw what you know and put my insights

    in its place. Throw both! Be totally unburdened and

    clean, fresh, empty, because only in emptiness can the

    divine descend in you.



  • Hans, I get that you are recommending a fresh start for me by moving on. Thanks for being straight to the point. I am going to gather all my courage to do so but it takes time.

    You said

    "Be totally unburdened and

    clean, fresh, empty, because only in emptiness can the

    divine descend in you."

    but I am wondering if it is ever possible as when life experiences accumulates, hurts pile up and we got more baggages than we used to.

    I wish I can get there to the point where I can be unburdened but i doubt being a single mom from now on is going to be easy.



  • I'm very sorry for the interruption, only I was moved by your ending it there on...

    "but i doubt being a single mom from now on is going to be easy. " And just it spoke to me to whisper back a minute, before you've Hans' attention on his returns.

    I just wanted to go saying things like, that it is easy enough, just as easy as any other easy (depending on perspective) or just as difficult as any difficulty (again perspective).

    I weighed mine against the challenge of being within relations with a husband I'd struggled on connections with, based more on the sadness in my heart with his nearness and the fullness in my heart with my discovered freedom instead. But, people look at things as they'll want to look. I looked and made it what I wanted to look at, and it for me was what it was for me.

    Anyway, I do believe it's often as easy as just going, "Well, this is mine, this is what I have...how to enjoy it. What to create."

    And not to fall more towards, "Well, this is what Sally, Peggy, Janet, and the Jone's have and it looks not at all like mine. Is it better, is it more the right, more fulfilling, loving, or with ease..."

    We start to question everything and it'd not stop, we'd go on questioning no matter what the thing was.

    I think we look around too much and we miss what's our own, we miss out on what to do with what it is we have in our lives and in our hearts and how to play with it, how to interact and watch it dance, or frown or sing aloud. But since it's ours and what so and so Bessy has... isn't, we just should find out what's to be normal is not hers, but what's already ours, we could take ours, we could love it, own it and give it a little name, pat it's head and teach it well, hug and scold, then we're easier cause we accept and work it out to a personalized part in our lives.

    Again, apologies for making this my own for a minute, I'll return it back to the two of you

    and hope my whispering isn't too much trouble. Thanks for letting me feel so early this a.m., it felt great and I guess I needed it.



  • Dear SuddenlySally,

    Thank you for your input. I truly appreciate it. What you said is thought provoking.....

    • I weighed mine against the challenge of being within relations with a husband I'd struggled on connections with, based more on the sadness in my heart with his nearness and the fullness in my heart with my discovered freedom instead - You are so right on. It was a torture when I was stuck in the relationship that was not going anywhere healthy and rewarding. I moved out 10 months ago and therefore forgot how bad things really was when we were living together. I am a lot of self-searching and thinking to do..... I don't know why it is so hard for me to let go Maybe it is my belief in family as a unit and till death do us part. Maybe it is my stubborness. It is up to me to find out.

    -I just wanted to go saying things like, that it is easy enough, just as easy as any other easy (depending on perspective) or just as difficult as any difficulty (again perspective).

    I never care about people's opinions.....I never want to be like one of the Joneses.... but a breakup? I hate to be one of the statistics. I hate that I have given up all that I had and all that I am and still couldn't make the relationship work. I am afraid that it is really over when I move on because I know I can.

    This is the downside of being a Sagittarian...we feel too much, think too much, we formulate too much philosophical perspectives in what we do, how we think and what we feel. Dang..... we want answers, logics and correlations so bad that sometimes we becomes our best enemies in searching for truth and answers in life.

    Regardless, SuddenlySally, thanks for your thoughfulness. I feel encouraged.that "Life is what I make it." I can make my future rewarding or I can make it miserable. It is my choices and it is about what perspectives I choose to hold on to. Thanks...... I am so glad that you care enough to write your comments and I am touched!



  • Candy3000,

    Being a single mom is a tremendous challenge and opportunity. I am a single mom of two beautiful girls. In so many ways it is a blessing. It is important that we not only raise our beautiful daughters but that we also nourish their souls. That is difficult to do when your own is not at peace. You are vigilant in this relationship seeking to secure the man and keep the cave safe. Yet he violates trust. Therefore it will not be secure and you will always be watching and waiting. Without safety you cannot seek your own growth much less nourish hers.

    You asked "Will he ever change?" We all change everyday. However, the foundations of integrity or lack of are not likely to change. He is who he is. No, he will not change for you or for his daughter. He will only change for himself. But, he enjoys himself. Why should he change?

    I got a divorce when I realized the life lesson I was teaching in an unhealthy marriage was one of sacrifice and suffrage. I asked myself if this was the life I wished for my daughters to live someday. Should they sacrifice themselves for the sake of keeping the family together? Would I want them to feel so weak that could not pick themselves up and reclaim their lives? Would I want them to learn that it's OK to stay with a man who does not respect you? Would I want them to be unhappy? If I did not want my daughters to live the life I was living then why would I not afford myself the same desire for life? Why would I not want the same happiness for me as I want for them?

    I am not saying it has been easy. It is difficult for me when they leave to go visit their father. The house is so empty. However, as the best result of the divorce, their father became a father. My oldest daughter, now in the 8th grade, has learned to be discerning. She knows her father and I were not well matched. She has learned that it is important to know someone well before you commit to them. Make sure they enhance rather than deteriorate you. Be certain they respect you for they cannot truly love you if they do not respect you. Stand for something and above all stand for yourself.

    You had a successful career. You can do it again wherever you are. You are still you. If your family and friends are in Texas it may be a good move. As a single parent you will need support. I would urge you though to think carefully about removing her from reach of her father. If you have support in Florida it might be good to start there first as you resolve your relationship with him and build a new partnership with him for raising your daughter. Making drastic moves across the country during an emotional state of mind should only be done if necessary and with caution. But rather than listen to anyone's guidance, least of all mine, follow your intuition. Your intuition has been there all along yet you keep ignoring it because it isn't the answer you desire. But it is the only true answer there is. Trust yourself.



  • candy3000,

    remember, in the human is the abode of the

    superhuman. Man is not an end, man has infinite

    possibilities; man is very potential. Man is not only

    the past, but the future also. Man has an infinite

    destiny in front of him. He has to grow -- and he can

    grow to superhuman heights but the growth does not come

    out of effort. The growth comes in cooperation with

    nature. The growth comes through harmony, through

    harmonious cooperation. The growth comes not as a

    conquest, but as a surrender.



  • Dear Hans,

    I found this as I was following your other/ older postings.

    "if you desire something and you feel

    the moment you attain it there will be joy

    you can go on hoping till you attain it

    the moment you attain it you will see

    there is no joy in it.

    the desire and the hope has moved again

    farther away

    the same illusion, the same hope

    and you go on living your whole life

    running after shadows

    to understand the nature of desire

    that it is basically unfulfillable

    is the foundation of contentment .

    the moment you see that the desire is

    unfulfillable

    desiring as such disappears

    and when there is no desire in the heart

    then you are contented. "

    Apply it to my relationship I am learning that I need to let it be.

    Being in a relationship is a constant dance between heart & head matters. In my heart, I love this man regardless he is a pathological liar and a cheater. In my head, I know this relationship is never going to be functional, healthy and rewarding and therefore I should move on.

    I am not ready yet - What I know I am ready for is that I need to find myself again. I need to find my strength within me. If it was meant to be it will be. What is meant to be for now is that I have something about life and self to learn and I will seize today to learn that.

    Thanks for the insights, the guidances and the LIFT of my soul!



  • dear SalientLiving

    Thanks for your sharing of your personal experience & testimony. It does help fight off some of the fear to becoming a single parent.

    I am so confused at the moment. One day I am strong and confident about moving on, the next day I am ready to throw away my self-respect and my standard of integrity by being on my knees begging the conceited cheater not to give up on us.

    Regardless what direction I choose to go, there are a lot of healing to do, a lot of thinking to do as well as a lot about myself to understand. I am feeling ok these recent days.... but wait until the moon plays its effects on me again and I will once again become weak. Sigh...do we really have to subject to the nature (supernature)? I feel helpless at times.

    Thanks again SalientLiving. I will be careful in terms of custody and my move. I do have my child's best interest as she is the only right and beautiful thing happens in this relationship.



  • candy3000,

    you have been told that if you seek you shall find.

    But I say unto you: Don't believe he who claims to have

    sought and found, but only he who has found without

    seeking. Seeking is basically the self. If you seek,

    that means the self is functioning. The journey starts

    in seeking but ends in a non-seeking mind. The journey

    starts with intention but ends in spontaneity. You have

    to learn two things: first you have to learn a great

    intensity to search, and then, very paradoxically, you

    will have to learn to drop that intensity and that

    seeking. Without intense search you will never move.

    And with that search and that intensity you will remain

    confined in the self.