will someone do a reading on my general situation, please?
i'm so confused and lost inside myself and this never happens. at least not like this.
i'm in pain, and it's all my fault, and i don't know how to stop the cycle.
Can you explain your situation in more detail please?
i feel so fed up with myself, and despite my efforts to "better" myself (exercising, not smoking weed, eating healthier, reading more, etc) i still feel like shit all the time.
and me feeling like shit lends to other irritations in my regular life being magnified, and refracted...
i just feel as though i'm infectious human waste, even when i "know" i'm not. it's two sides of me always at odds, i guess.
the darker side of me is winning.
im asking for a reading, because i feel incapable of giving myself one. or, at least, interpreting the messages properly...
You must find the source of why you feel like human garbage, LS. The truth lies in your childhood and how those adults and your peers around you made you feel. Someone made you feel like you were in the way, a nuisance or a waste of space. You must realise that this belief is not your own belief, but someone else's that has been passed onto you, probably because they felt that way about themselves. You can then drop this secondhand belief and start looking at yourself in a fresh new way, and start rebuilding your view of yourself.
I feel there is a bit of the gypsy in you LS, a wandering nomad type, a 'carny' twist to your life where you cannot settle down to any routine for long but move on to the next thing very quickly. You cut corners, take shortcuts and avoid what you consider to be the boring road to healthy habits. You have developed a dread of consistency and/or education. The antidote to this will take willpower and effort. It's funny but you can teach other people to be more consistent healthwise than you are able to do for yourself. You also hate it when people stand you up or change the rules without giving you any notice. This comes, I feel, from the many disruptions over which you had no control in your childhood. Your salvation lies in setting a better example for others than was set for you. The helping professions in health care, education, and psychology are perfect avenues for such a transformation. You don't have to have a big, fancy position. The spreading of information is your stress outlet, whether through being a gossip, a court reporter, or a lunch person serving soup in a school cafeteria, etc. You need some task that demands you show up rain or shine to serve and to educate.