Taurus and the Ex ??
I recently met (and am beginning to date) two Tauruses and they both have similar scar stories of exes who cheated on them - one who declined his marriage proposal because she "wasn't ready for marriage yet", then dragged out their break-up, and then married within a year to another man and moved to England (we are states) to be with her new husband; the other was married and then found out she was cheating, he left her, and they quickly divorced after his discovery. Both happened nearly two years ago, and they both claim to have come full-circle in turning their lives back into their own...yet they both bring up their exes in conversation, which makes me wonder how "over" them they truly are. I am hesitant to take either serious in romantic relations because I am unconvinced they are truly ready to offer themselves fully, since the exes are still in the background of their thoughts.
I know for myself, I don't talk about my exes because I no longer think of them romantically or idealistically in the "what could have been" sense - nor do I feel any pain from my past relationships any longer - and I suspect those feelings still linger with these two.
Btw, I am scorpio, so I desire a full commitment before committing myself to someone (I do realize the irony since I am dating both of them, essentially not committing myself to either just yet), and since I do take relationships seriously (once I feel the same level of commitment) I am hesitant when it comes to suspicions about exes. My gut tells me they are not fully healed, and I am wise to tread softly. However, I am also naturally suspicious, so I am trying not to jump ahead of myself and nix the possibilities from the get-go. Does anyone have any experience or advice to offer on this?
Honestly, Solarity, based on the information you gave, i really do think the two Tauruses that you've described are not exactly over their exes completely. Tauruses seek stability and have VERY little tolerance for infidelity and dishonesty (They dont take any Bull) which is probably why they are so caught up on their exes. The Tauruses that you are dating are most likely still furious over their ex's unfaithfulness to them. And when they speak to you about their exes and past relationships, they might be, in a way, warning you that if you want to have a serious commited relationship with them you must always be honest with them and you better not cheat.
I had the same experience with my "i dont know what he is anymore" bull. His wife divorced him after 20 years around 3 years ago. We were friends on and off even before his divorce.. Then became more than friends...He was very opened with me about his divorce, which is what i think your bull was/is doing by talking about his ex's. At the same time, i felt like he was comparing me to her and i felt like he was not over her either. These taurus guys HATE change and love routine. When their ego gets stomped on especially after being cheating on, it takes major time to heal. Right now my bull needs his time, and i am giving it to him. It sux BIG TIME, not gonna lie... You need to do the same thing too. Dont push or jump the gun with any decision. Live your life. When the convo starts heading to the ex, guide it to other things. Things will work out for you, one way or another. Hang in there and completely go with your gut feelings.
I hope my bull finds and makes his way back into my life. I would rather be a Ms. Right than Ms. Right Now. Just hope he makes his way back before i meet someone else. LOL. I guess we will see what they are made of when they smarten up and get over themselves..LOL
Take care and good luck!!
A and S: I was kinda thinking the same things, but I wasn't sure.
T talks more about his ex in terms of feeling betrayed, strung along, and wishes she had simply been honest about her lack of feelings for him in a committed, long-term relationship - it does feel a little like a warning (which is fine for me bc I'm not a cheater nor do I plan on turning into one), but he also talks of how hurt he was because of the way she handled everything, which is to be expected. It was only a little over a month ago that she came back through town (after their break-up a year and a half ago), and apparently they talked briefly during her visit, as they tried to keep things amicable - however, she didn't mention getting married during their conversation, and he found this out a couple weeks later through another mutual friend. Betrayal number two, which I think is part of the fresh hurt and could be why he's bringing it up again - as a warning of two things: 1. I am still hurt over this betrayal, and 2. I don't ever want to be betrayed again. I don't know if he's truly lamenting on her as the one that got away, so to speak, but that she re-opened a wound that he had thought he'd healed over the past year and a half by not being completely honest with him again. I do understand that he loved her - after all, he proposed to her - but I have a hard time believing that he can see me separately as an individual if he still sees her, and this is a big part of my concern and hesitation. One can not compare to another on a pedestal, and I don't want to feel as if I am competing with a ghost. I understand human nature and love...I guess time will tell, and in the mean time I am wearing kid gloves not only for myself, but also for him as a friend. Regardless of what happens between us, I do believe we will be friends and care for one another sincerely.
As for S, I think he and I will travel more into a friendship than a romance so I am not as concerned about my heart with him. I feel he is also further along the road of healing than T, but still has his guard up from being betrayed, naturally. He has given me the "let's take things slow" speech, which I was in no way rushing our dating dance, so it felt like a warning to himself and a little out of place at the time. Yet then he dropped the "when and if I meet your parents" on me last night...which confused me a little, but I reacted to with a nonchalant smile. I think he is testing the waters because he's unsure of my feelings for him, and I am keeping my cards close.
Like you said, S, I am giving both plenty of time and space to come around on their own terms. I am in no rush for a relationship - my life is full so I am not looking to bring someone into it just to have someone. I am in a happy place, and I think both of these guys are trying to get there themselves, but still have their moments...I've had a few more years than them since my last long-term, so I can understand the inner battles. I wish you luck - it sounds like you have good intentions and good advice, thank you both!
Hi Solarity -
I think you are dead right in all of your assessments. As a Scorpio, I'm sure you are very astute and intuitive about human nature and individuals (Scorpios are the best detectives!)
From the perspective of a Taurus girl I can say that almost every Taurus that I know went through a very painful life-altering breakup or lost a significant other over the past year or two. I know I did and it nearly took everything out of me. That is also the same as the other Tauruses I know. I experienced dishonesty, betrayal, unfaithfulness - you name it. But, I really loved this person and being a Taurus and not liking change, I felt determined to try to "fix it" and make it work and get a positive return on my "investment" of time, emotion, etc. After many tries, I think it finally ended for good just tonight! But it was extremely painful and I have been trying to get over this ex and what happened for 2 years. Crazy, I know, but true. It is true that Tauruses get very attached and have a lot of difficulty letting go or even getting out of a relationship that may be unhealthy or with someone that is not good for them. I have been trying to "get over" this guy for what seems like way too long. My friends have been trying to precipitate this for quite a while, but it has been extremely tough for me to get over and try to move on and find someone new. I know that no one likes to be lied to or betrayed, but for a Taurus (AND for a Scorpio!) it really is shattering and devastating - pretty much the worst thing you can do to a Taurus. We are such loyal creatures, it just takes us a while to bounce back from the pain of betrayal and to trust again.
Scorpios are known for being able to go through pain and rise from the ashes in total transformation and rebirth. The good thing is that Tauruses can bounce back too, but yes, you need to be delicate and it does take us more time to get back to that place - but it does happen. You just need to do exactly what it sounds like you are doing - be patient - because the love of a Taurus is for keeps and is definitely worth waiting for!
And because Taurus and Scorpio are opposites on the zodiac, there is a natural attraction, chemistry and bond between them that is pretty strong. Also, no offense to you personally, but I know from my own experience that Scorpios naturally tend to feel the need to be secretive or private or, like you said "play their cards close to their chests" - not necessarily consciously or in a malicious way, that's just how their built. But since these guys are especially sensitive to dishonesty, deception and betrayal, I would try to be as transparent and openly communicative with them as you feel is comfortable regarding how you're feeling, what you like/don't like, what you want/don't want so that they feel they can trust you, understand your needs and respond to you. Scorpios like people to guess or intuitively know or figure out what they're thinking and feeling without them having to say it bluntly. Tauruses are all about bluntness! We don't get what you mean or what you want unless you spell it out for us. So, your Taurus men will appreciate your being extra communicative and open about how you feel so they can respond and give you what you want.
I hope that helps! Good luck to you!
PeaceBull I agree with you 100%!!! That is excellent advice!!!
Solarity and saggirl i hope you two find what you're looking for!!! Good Luck in love. lol
PB: Thank you for the advice and Taurus insight. It sounds like you went through a similar experience as T, and you've got some great insight into his motivations of trying to "fix" things also...that is one of the things he regrets now, he's told me, but I suspect he would do it all again simply because that's his hopeful nature (which I see as a positive trait). I am a Taurus rising with a Libra moon, and I can definitely see myself going between the two signs - they are opposites in the zodiac (Scorpio and Taurus), yet quite similar in many aspects. I think my Taurus calms my Scorpio down in tough emotional situations, with the help of the balancing act of Libra, and helps give me some objectivity about what others are going through. That being said, while I can relate to everything he's gone through, and appreciate his honesty and transparency about his past and current feelings, I do try to reciprocate by being open and communicative also - however, I don't want to rush my feelings either, or his. I have an Aries guy friend who is making this mistake with me right now, and I've seen myself get sucked into these situations before - where I feed off of the energy and excitement of romance at the beginning, and then the next thing I know that initial bonfire has turned into a burning ember and I feel like a jerk because my feelings aren't as strong as I thought they were for this person. I believe there is such a thing as over-talking your feelings, and right now I am very hesitant to start a conversation on feelings when I am still assessing how I feel. I don't want to mislead when we are still at the exploring stages. So I am going to enjoy the slow pace we've got going, get to know each other, talk about things as they come up, and try to simply enjoy our exploration of each other. It's not so much that I want him to intuit my needs or desires, but that I want to figure them out first...and then we can communicate openly (I do prefer the Taurus blunt honesty, and definitely have that in myself).
My initial concern was more in that he might be comparing me unfairly because of his last experience, but I suppose I won't know that until more time goes by and I can see that he sees me as an individual, and learns he can trust me - that I'm not like his ex, in other words.
Thanks again and have a wonderful weekend!
Hi Solarity -
You sound very wise and insightful regarding these potential love interests and your situation. Sounds like you are doing all the right things! I realize you are in the very early stages of dating and aren't ready to talk about feelings, etc. quite yet as you feel it's too soon or not appropriate or comfortable. That sounds right - you are taking it slow. When I said try to be open and transparent in discussing your feelings, I really meant telling him exactly what you said you were feeling -meaning don't be afraid to even be open about not being sure yet and wanting to take it slow and let it evolve so that neither of you get ahead of yourselves. Even telling him what you said about wanting him to get to know you as an individual and as someone totally different from his ex and that you are still figuring out your needs and desires as you both go forward will help him trust you. Letting him know as you go if you are unsure about things may help him feel more at ease and manage his expectations because it allows him to see that you are real, human, vulnerable as well as he and therefore trustworthy. And it allows you the chance to (like you stated above) not get ahead of yourself rushing in with the excitement of romance and then realize your feelings are not that strong. Discussing your concerns and hesitations with him as you go also keeps you from being a rebound girl for him because you let him know that that's not what you're looking for - that you want to take it slow and let it evolve and get to know each other before rushing in too quickly.
You sound very insightful and very wise and like you're on the right track - even to the point that you are wary that this guy may not be over his ex. He may not be over her as an ex-love, or he may be over the woman but not the betrayal and deception - those are two different things. But it is a good sign that he is "getting back out there" by dating you. You are doing the right thing by giving him space and time to let it evolve between you and to let him see that you are trustworthy and not like his ex and that will keep you from being a rebound for a wounded man. It may just take him some time, but it sounds like you are a caring, compassionate and understanding person and that's a good thing for him right now!
Good luck and good weekend!
P.S. Another way of saying what I meant to say is that since your guy had a wound re-opened when he saw his ex and she still didn't tell him she got married and he had to hear it from someone else means that in telling you this he is warning you that he doesn't want any "surprises." That's why I was saying let him know when you feel unsure of your feelings or of your concerns as you go so that you don't get to that point of "Oops, I don't think I feel it anymore" and it comes as a surprise because nothing was said along the way. That sounds really unromantic, I know , but as a Taurus I ALWAYS appreciated when a love interest told me straight out "I'm having doubts" or "I'm not sure how I feel" or "I don't like this" or "I need more of this" or "I need more space", etc. as opposed to not knowing that someone felt that way for a while or all along but didn't say anything and then suddenly it's over. That happened with my ex (who was Libra-Scorpio cusp with Mercury in Scorpio - so, not very comfortable in being openly communicative) in that it was on fire and then it was over and it left me confused for a LONG time. I think part of the reason I couldn't get over him was that I was still trying to find out from him what actually happened and what did not work for him about our relationship. Had he told me flat out and directly - "I don't like this - I need this" etc., I think I would have gotten over it much quicker. Maybe...but, then again, maybe not.
This is SO not an advertisement or endorsement, but a GREAT resource that I found that has helped me a lot is an ebook by Rori Raye called Have the Relationship You Want. It's very good advice, very easy to understand and implement and it makes total common sense (like something you've known but forgot) in how to interact in relationships with men, how to understand them and be understood and keep the spark going. I really recommend it - it is a relationship saver.
Also, I do totally agree with what the others said especially SagGirl when she said when he starts to talk about the ex, gently steer the conversation elsewhere. You want to be understanding, but you don't want him to turn you into his therapist! That would doom your spark!
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Thanks so much PB, you have some great advice and insight, and I truly appreciate your sharing bull perspective with me! I will check into the book you recommended also.
I couldn't agree more with what you said about toeing the line between therapist and being understanding, and while he seems to be very comfortable in opening up to me emotionally I feel it's important not to allow him to thwart something good with the something bad's of the past. I don't think he is, or will, but I am keeping a mindful eye on it so to speak. He's had a rough year, and I think he's self-medicated with going out in various social circles, getting drunk, hooking up with random girls, and generally participating in the "scene" - he's been honest about all of this with me (which you'll see below), and I've shared my dating stories as well. We live an hour away from one another and so that has helped put our social availability in check. We are both busy people and enjoy our independence and freedoms we're accustomed to, yet I can see how this could become a question later on should things get more serious. He's asked me several times when and if I'm moving closer, and I was already planning to move in the spring/summer, but it would still put a 30-minute drive between us. Anyways, I'm digressing, sorry. Can you tell there is a little checklist in my head of potential down-the-road bumps? They are there, I admit it, but I can also see many ways to work through them so long as both of us are willing to do so.
Here's an update for you
T and I had a lunch date on Sunday, which was a good thing - getting together during the day, versus the evening when there is drinking involved and the temptation to get physical quickly is greater. Because we have some very intense chemistry, and also because I am trying not to rush things, it was a wise choice I think - to put that limit on us physically. He did not bring up his ex at all. Actually it was the opposite this time - he brought up what he is looking for ultimately in a relationship, which is a soul mate and to one day have kids. I was open and honest with him about the guy friend's in my life who are currently trying to pursue romances with me (I wanted to share this with him since he sees my fb posts, and if the shoe were reversed I would appreciate the explanation to some of their posts and my intentions with said post-ers, rather than be left to my imagination), and he was honest with me about women he'd recently met who are doing the same - we laughed about our dating antics and swapped "crazies" stories. It felt really good to be able to be so honest with each other, without feeling judged or that the other person's insecurities clouded their perspective. It was also good to acknowledge that we were both actively dating previous to meeting one another. I always feel it best to be up front if I'm dating others, and appreciate vice versa. There was an emotionally intense moment when his father came into conversation (as I mentioned earlier he had passed away six months ago) and he teared up, which was surprising and endearing at the same time. I'm not usually one to find a crying man attractive, but I could understand his pain, and so I tried my best to be supportive and changed the subject to something more lighthearted. A friend told me that his feeling comfortable enough to let such an emotional outburst occur in front of me is a good sign. I don't see it as a good or bad sign, but that he still feels his father's loss deeply. Our good-bye was intense to say the least, and it was difficult pulling away from one another, but it also set the tone of anticipation for our next date, which is Saturday...although we did see each other on Tuesday night.
On Tuesday I had to go to his city and stopped by his work to say hello. Afterward I met up with our mutual friend who had introduced us and had drinks with him (which T sarcastically told me to "have fun" with - Taurus jealousy?), then more drinks and dinner with a girlfriend of mine. During dinner he text me and asked me to give him a ride home from work (he had biked and it was freezing cold) and since I was in the area I agreed. When I dropped him off he told me he wanted to talk and invited me in. I admit my nerves were wound tight with anticipation of what was perplexing him. I had an idea in my head (the mutual friend), but it was completely different than what I was expecting. He had just discovered that he had HPV by finding what looked to be a wart – there is no way to test for HPV and when he'd been tested not too long ago he had a clean bill, so that was the best assessment he could make. He explained how the past year had been dotted with some drunken bad decisions and seductive women, and this was the result from one of those moments. He wanted to tell me before our date on Saturday in case I was hoping to get intimate. Now, I have to admit that his telling me took A LOT of courage, and most guys would have sluffed it off for an opportunity of getting a girl in the sack – so that says something very positive about his character. I've done research on HPV since our talk and found ways to protect myself, but I definitely think it best we take our time getting physical. We are both very sensual people naturally so this puts some coaster brakes on that aspect, but ultimately I think it should be seen as an opportunity to truly get to know one another on more of an emotionally intimate level, rather than clouding up our perspectives with our physical desires. I am telling myself this because I want to be optimistic, yet I am also realistic. I realize I am putting some otherwise private details out into a public forum for strangers to read, however this is a situation that most people are afraid to talk about, but should share – especially given that the statistics of people affected by HPV is 80% of the US population. It is not a disease, but a very contagious virus, however when infected it can be passed with minimal contact. You don't have to have s e x to get it or pass it on to others, which is why the % affected is so high. He told me as best as he could, and left it to me as to whether or not I wanted to continue seeing him, since we haven't known each other long and I am still figuring out if I like him (his words, not mine). I thanked him for his honesty, told him I would do my homework on HPV, and said I would see him Saturday.
Anyway and either way, I'm going to keep seeing T because he seems to be a genuinely good guy who has made some very human mistakes, but has been nothing but honest with me about them and that's very important and commendable.
On another note, last Thursday night S drunkenly tried to tell me his feelings for me, and I stopped him short and changed the subject. Since then he's not text me as frequently as he was before, and I think it's safe to say friendship is a mutual decision. It seems the past couple of weeks I've had to give the "just friends" speech to a handful of guy friends, but I would rather not them think more either. I like T, and I've never been one to like someone and date others just to date.
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