Trust



  • I've been dating a guy about 3 years. Seems very sweet & sincere. Works very hard and is a great dad to his daughter. Doesn't let me sleep with him while she is with us - wants to set a good example - I go along with it but don't like it. A few weeks ago I found condoms in his travel case which he says are from 2 years ago when we were having a rough time but he never used them. I want to believe him but I am having a hard time letting it go and/or knowing if he is telling the truth. Or even if I should stay with someone who ever even though about it. It seems so out of character for him or am I just a fool? He swears it's only me & him and that he loves me (though he has a hard time saying the words). Has said he doesn't want to get married again, loves our relationship just the way it is. I did too - but now I am consumed by this issue. Not so much that he is looking but that he blew my little "so in love" fantasy. What do I do? I am very depressed, I feel like if I keep bringing it up I will sabotage the relationship but if I don't I am sick to my stomach and don't want a relationship in which I feel this way. People are telling me I am acting crazy and I probably am.



  • I don't think you're crazy at all. In fact I would be just as suspicious. I had a gut ache once and I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong ...my (ex) hubby was acting "strangely"...whenever I mentioned something was up he came out with excuses like "work stress" or "tax problems"...things that were quite plausible. People thought I was acting crazy too. My gut ache wouldn't subside and I just happen to mention to a friend of mine that my gut really ached. She turned round & said to me,mysteriously "if in doubt,chuck him out". That night I walked into our bedroom and discovered my ex deep in telephone conversation. He hurriedly put the phone down & couldn't say who it was he was talking too. I used redial and on the phone was his mistress ...a girl we had met on holiday 5 years previously. It was the last thing on my mind that he was cheating! My gut ache disappeared. So, sunchaser, I'm not saying your guy is having or has had an affair, BUT I do think your gut is aching because you know something is not quite right and as your gut ache has not disappeared when he gave you a reason for the appearance of condoms I don't know if he has been economical with the truth.....I think you need to get to the bottom of this ...its a gamble you need to take. Good luck.



  • As per usual I agree with rnrchick, but, I will take it one step farther. I don't care how many times a women says, I'm happy with things the way they are and I don't want marriage, I will always beleive it's a false statement. I beleive they think, they feel that way, but when push comes to shove like it has in your case, the truth is, you want confirmation of his undying, monogomous love for you. I don't know what to think about the condoms you found and it's best that you never know because if you did really push the issue and he did have something to lie about, that's just what he would do, lie. You don't want that. The condoms just happen to be the catalyst that pushed the real issue to the surface, you want security in this relationship, even it it's not marriage, you still want some kind of security.

    I have to say I do agree with him about not sleeping with you when his daughter is around and let me say I am a little surprised that this frustrates you. Maybe the fact that he chooses not to involve you in his intimate life and allow his daughter to get attached to you is the real issue here. By him not allowing his daughter to see you as a love interest, one filled with committment, it makes you feel like, he is not totally committed to you. Why else would he have a problem allowing his daughter to see a good healthy loving relationship, which the way you have described it, is exactly what you have. Be honest with him, don't be afraid to tell him your emotional needs. Three years is a long time, ask him what your future is together, even if marriage is not in the picture is there a chance of sharing a household and truly having a family with yourself, him, and his daughter.



  • No, you are not crazy. I finally had to end a relationship after 2 1/2 years because of lies and deceit. I too found a condom hidden and questioned my fiancee, he said well you kept accusing me of cheating and he swore up and down he did not cheat on me. When I found the condom I asked him and he stated I pissed him off by accusing him of something he was not doing and he was going to blow the condom up and put on my antenna to be vindictive. Well I knew this was a lie, since I stayed at his house alot and his neighbors would see it. At the time we had been arguing because I knew in my heart he was doing things that was inappropriate but could not prove it 100%. Well I wrote him an email and said I know that was a lie and if he would have said honey I thought we were done so I bought a condom just in case but instead he continued to lie for two years. Well he finally admitted that he lied. Not saying your love is being unfaithful but keep your eyes open and you are not pscyho, you just want the truth.



  • Thank you, your advice sounds very sensible and right on the money. I do want to feel like he is more committed to me. His daughter and I are really close, she sees us kiss and snuggle and he agrees we feel like a family. But yes it feels like he is not giving me a full commitment and I do need to FEEL confirmation of his undying, monganomus commitment to me or I need to move on. If this condum thing did not come up, I still needed that but could handle just moving slowly. But now it is most important for me to feel secure otherwise I physically can not take feeling unsure where things are at. I'm still not sure if I can handle the whole trust issue - I feel like our love has been spoiled. I not sure if I can feel that undying love for him again. I need to ask him if he is willing to do work with me to do whatever it takes (even if he has to listen to me cry and voice my fears) and keep confirming his love which I'm not sure if he can do. He is a very subborn Taurus - so am I! But if he can't then I know he is not the man for me.


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