Confused Gemini seeking wise advice
I guess my response is to Loyless. Ideally we should only flirt with our significant others or when single and trying to attract a mate. However that does take a lot of discipline considering that we are dealing with millions of years of evolved behavior. As Desmond Morris, a Zoologist that studies humans and author of The Naked Ape and The Human Animal has observed that "Humans are the sexiest primate." It is not an excuse but an explanation as to why Humans sometimes don't behave sexually the way we need to morally. Good supportive people and a disciplined mind can help counteract our sexual urges. However to "should" on somebody for exhibiting undesirable behavior is not supportive. I think the ConfusedGemini feels bad enough about her situation and to shame her or reprimand her will only complicate her feelings about the situation she is in. I think if she was actually going to follow through on this flirtation she never would have sought anonymous support. I furthermore don't think it constructive to her goal of fidelity to her husband to complicate the situation with unnecessary shame. Her behavior has only hurt her not any other poster on the board and I don't think she needs to walk around with a red-letter "A" on her chest or in her mind.
Literature and History is about with flirtations by committed partners that go nowhere and usually violating one's conscience is punishment enough. No crime was committed here. Just someone who got her sexual instincts confused due to a Cad that took advantage of an emotionally and sexually vulnerable woman. He is a form of predator. Well versed in checking out the body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and YES! perhaps the emission of pheromes of a female prime for mating. A large part of his thought process could be unconscious and he winds up hurting himself and his relationships by not finding support as she did and furthermore probably not having much intellectual control over his impulses.
Which for ConfusedGemini leads me to another facet of the relationship that makes it difficult to overcome. Sexual chemistry. You two probably are well matched in you pherome levels. What happens when humans begin the mating dance is there is a pherome exchange that produces a euphoric feeling that when you are away from the person produces withdrawal like symptoms. For instance: The emptiness you spoke about.
One gentleman and I got involved and we had that chemistry. Both of us single. However I have two children from a previous marriage and he didn't want anything to do with children. No matter how much I was crazy about him or he was about me, intellectually I knew the relationship would go nowhere. He had to accept my children and, if we were to continue a lifelong partnership, the possibility of me becoming a Grandparent. There is no room in my life for a man that will not accept the parental aspect of my life. So I had to part ways. And wow did it hurt! I physically missed him. It was terrible - for about one week. It takes about one to two weeks to get rid of the hangover of incredibly good chemistry.
And most importantly, you are not a whore or slut or a bad person for this experience to come into your life. And I don't think your husband has to know. This is a private part of your life and a test of your fidelity to you marriage. To let him know about it would cause unnecessary hurt. This is a private victory for you and a good life lesson that will build character and wisdom in you. The next time you find yourself in this situation you will be able to see the signs. You might even take it as flattery and a compliment that you are a vibrant and sexually desirable woman. Good for you! You know that doesn't mean you have to fulfill every man's desire who finds you attractive.
I wish you luck. And the people that spoke about reporting the Jerk if his nose gets out of joint as an harasser. All is fair in love and war and he lost a conquest he needs to muster up some kind of gentlemanly manner and take it like a good sport.
All the best to you Ms. Gemini!
Dear LibraLibraRising, Loyless, DreamerNorth, WhiteMare9, Rnrchick, Valkryiel and people who have so kindly given me valuable advice,
This is a huge thank you to your love and kindness to me. I was at a breaking edge when I found this forum and posted my problems and I waited so anxiously for people's reactions, whether it is motherlike care and advice like LibraLibraRising or more straight forward style like Loyless, or suggestions and comforting words from others. Thank you all SO much that your advice flowed in when I needed them badly.
I made my opinion clear to the Aries man after I read the first response from LibraLibraRising. And waited anxiously for more response from both the forum and from the man. Well, I think I have been taught a very good lesson for my silly mistakes (I wouldn't call it naive now!) This time, maybe because when I wrote the words to him, thanks to the support from you guys, I think he could feel the firm cold decision behind my words and did not try to restore any communication like what had happened before. So that was good!
Then throughout the day, I still couldn't help feeling sad, because I think I have put some real emotion on this guy. I missed his little emails and texts. BUT, I was VERY busy at work and I did try to divert all my attention to my work, not him.
I sent three emails to hubby over the long weekend but didn't get any response from him. He was very busy at work. I read hundreds of emails from before we got married and felt so bad about myself. That's why I came here and wrote my feelings in this forum.
This morning, I tried to talk to hubby on msn and let him know that although I understand he is busy working for a better future for us, it won't cost his job to take 10 minute and reply to my emails. He replied, apologized and comforted me with his warm loving words. Sitting in the office reading those very short words from him, tears just ran down my face without me knowing it!! I really felt like a little girl who has done very naughty things. I did feel very bad about myself and took all the blame on myself. If I didn't reply to the guy's texts and emails, nothing would have happened, not at all!
Thank you all so very much! With your very kind advice and support, I feel now I am much stronger to deal with this now, no matter how much trouble it might cause in the future. Luckily, Aries doesn't work in the same company as I am in. His company just cooperates with mine so we won't have a lot of occasions having to see each other. Even if we have to work on certain projects together, with support and advice from you good loving people, I now know what I should do. I have found my direction and strength now.
Thank you all! Love you all!
P.S. I will be VERY careful saying "love" from now on.
I am a gemini and i have a scorpio husband of three years but have been with him since i was 19 im 29. I have had to deal with lonliness too. It is so hard. I find myself surrounded with needy
people who ilet in just to have someone to talk to. I know how tempting this guy may seem, but his intentions aren't pure. I belive if a man would chase a happily married woman, no matter how nonchalante he may go about it hes a home wrecker. He is playing out his fantacy secure of any obligation or commitment. You are making yourself not only vulnerable to attacking your self with the delima but imagine how awkward your husband will feel when he senses the difference in your behavior to him. If you feel innappropiate then you are probably behaving inappropriate. Prayer and meditation. The type that doesn't dwell on what is wrong with your
current situation, but the grace of having a chance to change it before it is out of control and you don't have either.
Thanks, maidenrebec. I have been with my husband since we were 19 too, and I am turning 29 on June 8th. Similar as you.
The guy has come back to contact me today again, pretending nothing has happened. He texted me as usual. I just will not respond at all. Hopefully me being quiet will tell him my determination and go away.
By the way, it is Wednesday morning now in Europe, nearly 8 a.m.
Really??? What are you thinking??? How long have you and your husband been together??? Are you bored with your husband??? Can you go with him when he is out of town or does your job keep you home??? If so, have you thought about changing jobs since Mr Aries won't let up on you???
Why would you cheat on a man who loves you??? Out of boredom...stupid mistake. To risk throwing away what you have worked at for how long??? Do you have any children??? If so, how old are they??? Did you stop to think how this would affect/effect them???
You do not have any female friends or even mother to discuss this with??? You are ashamed!!! As you should be.!!! If you continue this behavior you should speak with your husband about a separation--divorce. It is not proper to be foolin around when you are married...it is a SIN!!!
Solve the problem between you and your husband if you truly love him. If not then walk away before you hurt him too deeply!!!
Your behavior is just not right and disrespectful to the sanctiy of MARRIAGE. Nevermind the fact the your "husband" thinks everything is ok...is that right. Not fair to him at all. Not one bit...
Every action has a reaction remember...which reaction are you looking for...
I have been with my husband for 10 years now. We do not have any kids yet.
Right. I did not think it's a respectful thing at all. That's why I am doing this-- to stop any contact with Aries. I do know there is a reaction to any action that I've done and I hope it's not too late to correct my mistakes.
something is empty in you and you just need it replenished. You allowed the energy of the Aries to enter for nourishment. Don't beat yourself up number one. . number two, just recognize why he's there and work towards fulfillment with your bull.
Gemini's can get bored with routine. Try reading or listening to: (preferably with your husband) "The 5 love languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. This might help you focus on what you really need from you marriage and how to get it. Good luck
If you love your husband - don't throw it away. Infactuation is addicting but a man that truly loves you is far more satisfying. Don't confuse yourself that a little fun won't hurt anyone. It will, and it will hurt you most of all - the guilt, the spoiling of the specialness of being the only one with your husband. Turn the situation around and see how you would feel if this was happening to your husband. If you want out of your marriage - get out for you, not because of someone else.
I really, highly take offense to that SIN diatribe you're giving a confused person who needs help not preaching. If she wanted religious preaching I think she would have visited another forum.
She feels bad enough. If you're religious take it to another board where that kind of verbal abuse is welcome. This is an astrology board and if you are all that convinced about what is sin and what isn't, you shouldn't be on here due to astrology's heretical position according to the Christian religion. And don't give me that rot that it is about saving souls. If swallowed the Kool Aid take to a place where others welcome that kind of life philosophy.
And quite frankly a good man happened to say, "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone."
You've no business getting on here and jumping on her case. She said before she gets it - she was not behaving properly. Who are you to rub her nose in it?
"You do not have any female friends or even mother to discuss this with???"
A lot of women are nosy little back stabbers. I wouldn't have went to my friends if I was trying to be discreet.
"You are ashamed!!! As you should be.!!!"
Once again, who precisely do you think you are???
"If you continue this behavior you should speak with your husband about a separation--divorce. It is not proper to be foolin around when you are married...it is a SIN!!!"
Are you a licensed psychiatrist, psychologist, marriage counselor??? No only is this response unprofessional it smacks of self righteous undeserved superiority - take it to the church.
"Solve the problem between you and your husband if you truly love him. If not then walk away before you hurt him too deeply!!!"
Really? After reading all these posts of those who wrote the same thing...Wow. The originality, the depth. [sic]
"Your behavior is just not right and disrespectful to the sanctiy of MARRIAGE. Nevermind the fact the your "husband" thinks everything is ok...is that right. Not fair to him at all. Not one bit..."
You ain't walking a mile in her moccasins. It takes two to tango. His fault too, if he is out of town and doesn't call his wife in three days that doesn't exactly give a spouse warm fuzzies. How is she going to get appropriate counseling for her marriage if you back her into a corner with shame and then she can't be honest with the counselor about her feelings of being ignored? Lay off the bible thumping until you know the full story and even then save it for church and let a professional do their work.
"Every action has a reaction remember..."
Oh NOW we invoke science? Relationship do not respond to the laws of physics. This is analogy and not logical nor does it correspond with the science of the human mind that Psychiatrist, psychologists, sociologists, etc. study.
Why oh why do not people consider Pop-Psychology a sin?
"Every action has a reaction remember...which reaction are you looking for... "
According to the latest studies and therapies WE CAN CHOOSE are reaction which brings me what I posted previously about Humans being the lustiest primates. She is experiencing a physiological phenomenon that has been around for millions of years. Her mind has evolved enough to choose her reaction to it. The reason she probably cannot go to family or friends because it is human instinct to ostracize the person that is not behaving to the society they are involved in norms. She is right to do so. Especially based upon your irrational insulting post.
I'm glad we all could help. That's part of what this forum is about. You may be feeling guilty for 'allowing' your thoughts to stray towards another, but I wouln't feel too badly about it. You regained your senses and stopped yourself before you really did any harm to you or your marriage. Now that you've made it past this 'test' you can refocus your time and energy on mending the distance in your marriage. These things are often quite simple once you start trying.
Now there is a question. I've made it very clear that I want to make it a full stop in the "relationship" with Aries man. Only want to keep it business only. He wouldn't stop trying to convert our contact into "friendship", so still sends emails and texts. He says he felt we were still friends. But I did say I want to keep it business only.
He would try to give me a lot of help/advice at work on the project that we are working on. Now I do not know if it would be very rude to refuse responding to him on questions/greetings like "how was you day?" Would it be very inappropriate? Or should I simply ignore anything from him? Still a bit confused but on very different way now.
Well, my opinion on your question is that this is entirely up to you how you want to respond to Aries man now. Do you want to be more or less distant? I suppose it would have a lot to do with how you are judging his intentions as well. He probably does have alterior motives and is probably still trying to position himself the get back to a more mentally intimate space with you, and once there would probably try to work towards more physical again.
Personally though, I would probably clearly define the 'parameters' of what you are to one another. Which you have done. Very good. Then I would try to treat him like you would treat any coworker. Generally that means friendly but not overly sharing about your personal life. Talk to him at a level of 'closeness' that you would anybody else at work.
But then again, it's your own comfort level that you have to cater to. If you feel that you have to stop talking to him about anything outside of work in order to stay away from him or in order for him to 'stop trying' for more, then do what you must. However, I would think that it would be easiest for productivity at work that the more amicable you can be with one another the better. But do cater to what you are comfortable with.
Is there a real gemini out there, seeking advice on how to do something she just does not want to do. Not a whole lot of words can change their desires unless they REALLY REALLY want to AND they work at putting some THING in their mind besides desiring a personal relationship with this other Aries person.
Ofcourse IF the realtionship that has been started is to be deleted one must not think to
be " friends " with a person who is desiring a sexual union with you.One who has lived a life of seducing who ever will be seduced. Why O why would another say to put herself in the way of temtation to do this act. When gemini has state dover and over she STRONGLY desires a relationship with this so called "cad".
It is a waste of words and time untill Gemini truly feels the desire to end this relationship that takes what has been 'freely given" to a taurus husband , and freely steals from Taurus to give to
a stranger whose only claim to this stolen propery is deceiving words of seduction. There is no more claim of 'not knowing the ways of seduction of a lready married woman any more. It has been state dover and over to gemini the facts in this case. She still chooses to flirt around with this aries person. Sooo, i say .. go ahead and do what you have your heart set on doing for a long period now. You have stated their is no children, so do the deed while few will be hurt.
This advice is given just in case there is truly a Gemini who is out there with this problem that most of the world faces when morals are not kept in check.. by not placing ones DESIRE on another.
I can not beleive this is not a young person .. a child pulling the chains of the people answering such pleas in this forum. Then having a good laf ! Laf on, gemini ! but i refuse to be a fool to one who never intends to take advice offered. if you exist you need the help of a true professional TODAY ! not advice of lay people who do not realize the DESIRE and Hold this desire of the two of you have on each other.
DO IT , or get off the pot ! Simple !
The Aries man is dishonest - cannot solve his relationships - he is manupulative - he does not know what he wants - I guess he is used to this process of texting - emails to attract u and those he divorced - wake up - love and marriage are two different entities - and what do you call this - unfortunately I am a gemini mother and have a taurus son- Taurians they get deeply hurt and they dont forgive as you know that they are family orientated and they dont take short cuts in whatever they do- I know Geminis flirt but really - what kind of a man is this - Aries men are spiteful - why do u hurt yourself - i know u will overcome this - but what about your integrity
I do not mean to carry on what I was doing before. I know it was wrong and am determined to correct it before it's too late. Every words I put in this forum mean what I was thinking. I do not fool people who have very kindly spent their time to help me.
I am not living in my home country, that's why I would ask the questions shown on this page. There is culture difference between English and my own. And I still have to see this guy at work from time to time. End of the day, I am NOT tempted any more to this Aries man but I still need to find a way that both of us can WORK together on a 2 year long project. It is not like after I said FULL STOP to this guy, we don't need to see each other for a million years. Was it like that, then the situation would have been much easier and simpler. That's the reason I asked it.
I would apologize to Loyless if my question upset you and made you feel that I was playing with people here. I DID NOT mean it.
How old are you? Do you think this is your personal drama?
She works with the man. Period. She didn't get into this overnight, she's not going to get out of it over night. Why act personally insulted and insult back it has nothing to do with you. As for your advice - hey it's one of the things you can give for free. It's not like it cost you in gold. Grow up.
I understand the need to work together. However it is not rude to refuse his text messages. While single I get text messages all the time from intended beaux that wind up nowhere because I don't have time to text them or vice versa. You're married, in the single world texting in casual and means nothing. I think you would be over the moon if your husband text you as often which is probably one of the reasons his attentions seemed to fill a void. As for that Cad, he probably is texting more than one woman. His little drama is probably he thinks he is some Casanova and melodramatically thinks to himself, "What shall I do? All women want me."
What I would do is send him one last text saying you will not respond to anymore texts and that if he has anything to say to you that it must be work related and sent to you work email and follow through no matter how he begs and pleads.
That should cut that little drama off.
Suggestion on the text: Knock it off. Only email me re: work related issues at my work email. Have a nice day.
Something biting, showing contempt for further romance should do it. You don't want to completely laugh at him but make it sure he knows you're finding this a chore.
if you are married and are seeing someone while your husband is out of town.look inside yourself and figure out your needs that aren't being met.talk to your husband and explain to him that you need some attention and whatever you want.
Be careful! You have answered your own question. As a Gemini who loves variety, I fell for the
"boyfriend" in two cases. It never works. Unless you want to live with a guilty conscience for the rest of your life, stop what you are doing and go to a counselor. It is up to you to examine your motives and what the long term consequences are to having affairs. Once you cross the line, you can't undo it. When it doubt, use the Golden Rule. Would you want your husband to do that to you? Do you really have to have two of everything, including people? THINK TWICE!
To all the lovely people who have kindly replied,
This is a wonderful world and I am glad that I came here and spoke about my problems. DreamerNorth, you sounds like an elderly brother/sister walking your younger sister hand in hand. And dear LibraLibraRising, you are a motherlike figure in my mind, guiding me through the mist that I entered by mistake. All of you people make me feel the world is still a loving and heart warming world and that is SO encouraging! A huge thank you to you all!!
Updates from me. The man still texted today but I didn't reply. I have said to him everything I needed to say and clearly said GOODBYE and wished his marrige good luck. And I meant it! I did not reply a single word to his texts today and will not in the future. Full stop.
He then sent me an email invitation to join a "professional" network. Didn't do anything to that either, although I am very curious on the "professional" network but NO, will not join! Have a million other things to do and even if nothing to do, I will not do anything personal with him.
In the past, I didn't think I am a typical Gemini in love life but only thought I am typical Gemini in all other aspects. But now, it's very clear I am so curious in really everything. When i started seeing this guy, I think 90% of the reasons were I was so curious why someone from a complete different culture background would be attracted to me. And now I understand curiosity is not always a good thing for me.
Anyway, Thanks to you loving kind people!