Shattered



  • I am married to an affluent person for 27 years and since four years we have had no sex at all. I have tried many ways to create a romantic atmosphere like lighting candles the aromatic ones, wearing sexy lingerie. Most of the romantic dinners which I book are cancelled. It has no effect on the person. I feel shattered and depressed



  • Dear Shattered,

    Twenty-seven years is a long time and if most of those years have been good ones, you must try everything you can to better the situation. There are several things that could be going on...your husband could have a physical problem that he is too embarassed to speak of. In that case you might insist upon a complete physical because you are concerned about his health in general. If you feel you have grown apart in general over the last few years I would suggest counseling. Even if he refuses to go, go by yourself and hopefully he will join you at some point. There are many reasons other then another woman, that this can happen. And many of them have nothing to do with the way he feels toward you. Does he still say he loves you? If he does then I would start with the checkup...maybe you could make an appt for both of you to get a checkup and then move to counseling if nothing is uncovered physically.

    Blessings to you Kay!

    Inanna



  • Dear Inanna,

    Thanks a ton for ur prompt advice. Medical both of us are fine. Yes, I did suggest counseling. He refused bluntly. Since, my hubby is an affluent man. Most of the counselors I know off know me to be his wife. Or should I pick one off them?

    Nope my twenty seven years have been a struggle. I hung in there coz I wanted my kids to grow up with both parents. He's a loving father. He has done a lot for the kids. He even funded for their education abroad. We seldom get into an argument.

    Y'day, we were supposed to go out for dinner. He cancelled it coz he was busy. Anyways instead I surprised him with Chinese take away and did up the dinning room with candle lights and used his favorite dinner set. He was surprised and he thanked me and said he loved me.

    Eight years back he did have an affair. It was my kids who brought it to my notice. I confronted him and he said there was nothing between them. After that our sex life has come to a dead end not to say it was any good earlier.

    His working hours are long. He leaves home at 7am and is back home 10pm. He works on Sundays for half a day. Never goes for a holiday. Since, he comes home so dead tired I don’t have the heart to confront him or complain.

    All these years I had the kids with me and we would go shopping and even take off for a holiday. Now, both my kids have gone abroad and I do feel void and very depressed.

    I paint, am writing a book and am into part time social work. But, when I come home at the end of the day I dread the long evenings.

    Aren't I a blabber mouth!.... tks once again and take care Inanna



  • I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 32 YEARS, AND THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME. MINE WAS SEX ONCE A YEAR IF I WAS LUCKY..... WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH WAS WHAT I THOUGHT WAS NORMAL. BUT IT IS NOT... ! YOU ARE TRYING YOUR BEST ON YOUR PART BUT ON HIS, HE AINT PICKING UP ON IT. WELL HE REALLY IS, HE HAS CHOISEN NOT TO. I THINK YOUR BEST OPTION (BECAUSE OF MINE OWN EXPERENCE) COME RIGHT OUT AND ASK HIM "WHY" BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. LIKE AN AFFAIR. MY HUSBAND REFUSED TO TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS, HE IS A TRUCKER, SO I WENT ON ONE OF HIS TRIPS WITH HIM.. THERE WAS NO WAY HE COULD AVOID THE "ISSUE"!! WE FOUGHT THE FIRST 300 MILES.!! NOW WE FOUND OUT THAT IN THAT 32 YEARS, WE ASSUMED ALOT! SO WE GOT DOWN AND DIRTY AND WE AIRED OUT "EVERYTHING"!! HONESTY CAN DO WONDERFUL THINGS..NOW THERE IS A CHANGE, WE ARE LIKE TEENS IN LOVE AGAIN. BUT IF I WOULD HAVE WAITED ANY LONGER, I MIGHT HAVE HAD A HUSBAND WHO CHEATED ON ME. YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF, WHAT IS THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?! THAN YOU CAN ONLY GO UP FROM THERE! YOU JUST HAVE TO HIKE UP YOU PANTS, TAKE A BREATH AND DO IT.. BUT BRACE YOURSELF.. AND EXCEPT EVERYTHING HE TELLS YOU. THOSE ARE HIS FEELINGS, JUST REMEMBER YOU GET YOUR SAY IN EVERYTHING TOO.. REMEMBER YOU HAVE 27 YEARS INVESTED IN THIS MARRAGE. YOU DON'T JUST THROUGH IT AWAY. TRY WRITING EACH OF YOUR FEELINGS DOWN ON PAPER, IT MAY BE EASIER. MY HUSBAND IS GOING TO GO TO COUNCLING WHEN HE GETS BACK. I BELIEVE THAT EVERY ONE WITH A SERIOUS PROBLEM SHOULD. HIS I THINK WAS JUST A MIDLIFE CRISIS, BUT IF IT IS TOO LATE.. WAIT.. GIVE HIM SOME TIME, AND DON'T SIT AROUND AND STEW OVER IT, GO OUT WITH FRIENDS, LET HIM SEE YOU HAVING FUN. IF HE DON'T COME AROUND TO TALKING ABOUT IT. DITCH HIM! WHEN MY HUSBAND MOVED OUT, WELL LUCKIELY HE FOUND OUT WHAT I REALLY MEANT TO HIM AND HE WAS TRUCKING THE THE SOUTH FOR A MONTH. HE WOULD BRAKE DOWN AND CRY THINKING HE SCREWED UP AND WOULD LOOSE ME. "" HE KNEW THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE (JUST A FRIEND) ON THE INTERNET TO GO CANOEING WITH."" HE CALLS ME SEVERAL TIME A DAY NOW,. AND A PLUS-- HE HAS A LAPTOP ! 😉 SO GO FOR IT GIRL !

    GOOD LUCK ! SIGNED~~~~~GOING THROUGH IT TOO!!

    PS A LITTLE BIRD WHISPERED IN MY EAR THERE MAY BE A RENEWAL OF VOWS! BUT I'M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH.. IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS , AND IF HE IS THINKING THAT WAY, I KNOW WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS.....SSSSSSHHHHHH



  • Well I havent been married a year yet, this August will be one year..And we have only had *** maybe 6 times since then..:( Of course we work different schedules and never even see each other during the week. We share one day together and always have stuff to do around the house.. I have tried the new things, trying to encourage him, but it doesnt work... Now he has a problem with full function of it all.. He said he will talk to the Doctor about it, but do I really want that.. There are so many things that could go wrong with that..Besides *** isnt why I married him, it was for love... The only thing I can think of is to make time for one another , fully communicate with each other, and not to give up..



  • Dear Kay,

    I am so sorry to hear of your struggle! It must feel very lonely without your children in this situation.

    I have 2 kids, 4 and 9, and my situation is somewhat similar, except my husband wants ***, but when he wants it, it's like midnight, and I am NOT up for it. He's too busy for me or the kids. He expects me to take care of the kids all the time, and when I need to leave them at home with him, it's called "babysitting."

    I don't really have advice for you. I'm in a struggle of my own (see my topic -- Soulmate Confusion). I just wanted you to know that you have my sympathy. Best of luck to you!



  • Hi Kay,

    Please reconsider marriage counseling. If nothing else it will give you the courage to do what ever needs to be done to bring love into your life....And you DO DESERVE LOVE! Maybe your husbands feelings have changed over the years or maybe he just doesn't care enough to try. He can love you and not be in love with you, if you know what I mean. You have done your part in your marriage and with your children. Sounds like you are a great mother! Now, it is YOUR time to be happy and enjoy life. Why not take your painting and writings to new heights and make them your job? Get out, enjoy yourself and be happy in your own life...then either your hubby will notice and join you or you will be so busy and fulfilled that you won't care. Blessings to you and please always remember that you deserve the best in life...including love.

    Inanna



  • My dear lady. Such suffering and lonliness. This man does not seem to be connected with the marriage. He seems to be doing the same as you are. Your words were something to the affect that you are hanging in for the kids. I did that for 20 years and truly believed(I know .......) that he wasnt having an affair in all those busy hours. Didnt even occur to me. I had such honor myself for the commitment, and really was shocked to find he had been having an affair, just pretending to be busy. I had packed up my kids and left for better or worse to find a new happiness for myself and the kids before I found this out but nonetheless, if something isnt fullfilling, it is not worth it. The kids knew anyway how unhappy we were so what was the point. You can have a new scary but EXCITING life. Go find your happiness. I thing he is having his cake and eating it too. You do not seem to really want to be there anyway. This is the only reason I am being so honest. Not to hurt you but to show you there are women out there who just took the plunge, in the name of "life"s too short" and let me tell you. I have never been happier. I have always been an independent thinker anyway and found such glorious freedom never again waiting for Him to grace me with a few minutes of his precious time. I too am precious. My kids were so happy. This was wonderful. It didnt damage anyone, we all felt peace. Thanks for listening, persevera


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