STUCK



  • I need help moving forward. I have been trapped between who I was and who I will be for a long time. Life was on track, high speed toward great education, success, and home. Woke up one day and went on strike. Stopped working on PhD, threw lazy computer addicted husband out and started a quest for my soul mate. Thought I found him but it turned out to be an abusive relationship that after 2.5 years never truly improved but instead led to me becoming emotionally unhealthy.. I have two very special daughters, one of whom suffered observing my demise. I ran away by myself to Red Mountain Resort (highly recommend it) in March. It is a healing place and I spoke with a master clairvoyant who told me I was in danger in the relationship and my daughter too.

    I finally ended it forever. Whew! Now here I am years later trying to pick up the pieces of my life. I don't have friends thanks to the isolation of the relationship. I'm trying to finish my comp exams for my PhD. I've tried meeting people but can't seem to find people who are anything like me. I went to a psychic fair and was told that he rarely meets someone how will actually change the world for the better but that I certainly would. He told me to finish my writing for education because I have more important writing to do that will come through me rather than from me. It sort of all sounds great BUT I can't seem to stay focused and finish the work. I get lost ruminating over completely irrelevant stuff Like today I spent an hour shopping on Victoria's Secret but didn't buy the stuff, spent time looking at various meetup groups, Cruises to go on for my birthday (11Feb66), email, and time on this sight looking at tarot cards... anything but what I should be doing.

    I'm not sure what my question is here, many come to mind. I'd like to know that if I spent more time out meeting people right now will it only derail me and not even lead to meeting my mate or should I be out meeting people and expanding friends? I'd also like to know if the group of people I should find community with are esoteric, pagan, or otherwise out of the ordinary versus the groups I've been exploring. There are local groups but I don't want to be some person who seeks to join them but has no real purpose there. But somehow I feel like there is something ??? I'd really like to know how to gain motivation and focus on my writing. I simply feel stuck.

    I need help in so many ways. I work full time, single parent of two, trying to do homework, have 5 rental houses (not all pay on time and there's always something to do), my house is too big with too much to do from fixing the roof, the front storm door, windows, cleaning the basement, cleaning out the garage, etc. I feel so overwhelmed. My 2.5 years with a mentally unhealthy man has left me with a huge mess of things undone. I have no family here besides my kids and am feeling depressed with the oncoming holidays. My ex won't even help put up the Christmas tree or even get it out of the basement for us while I am out of town at a conference next week. YUP, in the middle of all things undone I have to leave for a week to a conference.

    What more can I say? Guidance? Insight? Thoughts?



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  • Watergirl,

    Thank you for your time and diligence to deliver this reading. I sense it was not an easy one for you. I don't entirely believe I am being childish though I would say my emotional maturity has taken a beaten and I am still recovering from being a victim. It is possible for a woman to end up in an abusive relationship when it involves a rare mental disorder and inconsistent taking of medication/treatment. The real question is what kept me in it for so long? This I will attribute to my humanism that believes in everyone's potential. I have a master in counseling and thought I could accept/handle this problem as long as he stayed on medication. But he could not/did not. His psychiatrist called me in to his office and explained "there is no treatment" and it would never get better (Mr. Hyde would always show up sooner or later again and again). Interestingly, Mr. Hyde was sitting right beside me while I was told this and had no feelings about it at all. Though I truly loved Dr. Jekyl I had to let go. Sadly, he didn't understand because he didn't know Mr. Hyde or what he was like. If there is any lesson in this I wish to learn it is to be more discriminating and firm on behaviors/situations that are harmful to me. I need to better protect myself and be less sacrificing. What a harsh reality.

    I do wish I could leave my difficulties behind but I know this cannot be done. Am I wallowing? A bit. I am tired. I have held tightly to the reigns for a long time and have absolutely no one to delegate to. I have never been able to relax and let someone else pay the bills, clean the house, plan for the future/retirement or even a vacation. I have taken on more than I can handle or at least more than I want to. And no I really don't want the PhD. If there is anything I have learned it is that a PhD is a lot of knowledge but it doesn't equal intelligence. There are far too many PhDs out there with a wealth of knowledge and no capability to properly use it. I don't need or even want to be called Dr. But I am in too deep now to stop. I only have to finish my dissertation. And I know I can't leave my difficulties behind. I have two daughters who count on me as their mother and mentor. I can't quit.

    You are right I don't need a new relationship/man right now. That would take too much of my energy and I really don't think I am healthy and healed enough yet anyway. Low self-concept is not something I have suffered. However, I am not yet myself again. I am still very tired and very drained. He seemed to suck the energy from my core.I do wish I had more friends and a social support system but perhaps I am not ready for that either. Perhaps this is a winter to stay in and do my work and spend time healing with my girls. Finishing the PhD will eliminate a lot of the stress I carry. Plus, I can clean out the basement....and other things in the home.

    I suppose your reading was on target and typical of my life, "straighten up, chose a direction, and start plowing your way forward. AKA get over it and move on. Doesn't anyone ever get tired of hearing that? Wouldn't it be nice to hear, "Relax, take your time, heal your soul first... the rest will follow on its own" How I would love the ability to be childish. Unfortunately the clock keeps ticking.

    Thank you, again. I will reread this when the temptation to lingerie shop strikes again. I suspect I will need this kick in the ass from time to time over the next few months. Hope it's OK if I pop in for an update sometime or maybe just to poor out my pity story again. Venting is good at times.

    With Gratitude,

    SalientLiving



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  • Hello again,

    I think "snap out of it" is dead on. It's like I've been in a trance from the shock and I really do need to snap out of it. It's like falling into a trance on the battle field and having to snap out of lest I be killed or forever trapped. Fortunately, the war has ended. Now the clean up begins. Unfortunately, I really can't take a break and regroup. I gotta steam roll this one in ASAP (PhD). Slowly, I am snapping out of it.

    I do have a history of over achieving. But I must admit it has served me well. I grew up very poor and am far from that now. I have altered all the futures told by statistics and succeeded well beyond anticipation. My flaw is the inability to slow down and stop climbing in addition to my inability to ask for help when needed, 'receive'. I'm too independent to be dependent. I have not yet found my equal with whom I can achieve interdependence and further enhance intradependence. Someday... Selection and connection is key.

    My only other abusive relationship was when I was 17-21 years old. I'm 44 now and that was the first since then. I'm not saying I didn't meet people who weren't right for me but none who were mentally abusive like my recent break. Sadly, I don't think he did it on purpose or even understood what he was doing (there I go again making excuses for him). Whereas, my ex husband was far from abusive but not an achiever either.

    My issue is just as you stated earlier, discriminating. I need to be better at letting go of pieces to puzzles that are not a part of my puzzle (hopefully that metaphor works). Like the old song says, "If it don't fit, don't force it. Just relax and let it go."

    Till then I'm gonna focus on the "SNAP OUT OF IT"!

    Me



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  • Yes, the one in St. George. I don't live nearby though distance is merely an obstacle. I am in the Kansas City area. I was there in March for much needed healing and received much needed guidance as well. The entire experience was fantastic and the people absolutely wonderful. It is a healing place. Have you been there?

    While I was there I met a friend from Portland. She walked into the same class given by the clairvoyant and sat next to me. He looked at her and me and said "Birds of a Feather". We have talked nearly everyday since then. Perhaps you and I shall also meet. When is your birthday?



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  • Good Morning Watergirl,

    I was sort of thinking the same thing for my birthday, either that or someplace warm. I imagine I will be alone for my birthday so it may be better to be somewhere I enjoy.

    I was born of Feb 11, 1966 in El Cajon, CA but grew up mostly in Mississippi. I have traveled many places and even lived in England for 3 years. I moved here in 2005.

    I have to get going for now. Will chat more later.



  • I am dumbstruck by your whining bravado! You ramble on and on about your "PHD" and your "5 rental houses".Your ex won't help put up the Christmas tree?? I thought he was "abusive"?? You can't figure out what "resort" to vacation at??? Why don't you spend you time and money to help whose lives are truly miserable??



  • Well Good Morning to you too Ms VioletFemme,

    Are you French or just like the language? Before you attack I suggest you read more carefully as you have stated many things wrong.

    1. I don't have the PhD yet and am having difficulty finishing up. Anyone who's done one knows it is not easy.

    2. My ex husband was never abusive. And I don't think it was too much to ask his help with the tree this year while I am gone next week to a conference and he will be at my house every day. I just wanted him to bring it up from the basement since it is large and heavy and my daughter who is only 12 wants it up ASAP. I know her well enough to know she will attempt to bring it up the stairs alone and I don't want her falling down the stairs and hurt.

    3. It was the ex-boyfriend who was abusive and I am still healing. Thank you for your compassion.

    4. I made no mention of trying to figure out a vacation. Read again.

    5. The rental houses are a venture entered into for the ex-boyfriend while he was unemployed for a year. They are a curse, not a blessing, and have caused financial difficulties. I am a single mom with way too many plates to juggle, I am NOT rich at all (but not poor), AND

    6. Tell me, have you adopted one of those beautiful African babies so in need of your help? You don't know me, you don't know whose lives I touch/ed and in what ways I help. So, I encourage you to get to know me before you cast so many harsh judgements.

    Here is an important lesson in life for you:

    When you open your mouth make sure what you say is thoughtful and adds something of value to the discussion.



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  • Thank you Watergirl,

    I have just settled into Latteland for a day of research and writing. No lingerie! I won't be lingering here either. Just wanted to pop in for a moment. I've had something lingering in my mind since yesterday. We are Aquarius women, strong and nurturing... I confess my weakness of independence. Typically I am the one helping vice asking for help. It occurs to me you are the same. We must remind ourselves to take care of ourselves and not just others. So, I just wanted to say 'Take care of yourself today'.

    ;~}



  • Yes I am French. I do know you. Your words easily reveal your personality. You are very transparent. I doubt very much that you think of anyone but yourself.



  • There is expressing ones opinion and fighting for whats right and then there is being rude and inappropriate. VioletFemme was being just that, so SalientLiving I think you are justified in how you responded.

    Your post is truly interesting by the way...^.^...



  • SalientLivng, You go girl!! Don't allow yourself to be brought down by those few people that languish in ignorance,hon!

    The way I see it is if those of us that are normally helping others the majority of the time want to take a break, a lovely vacation and spend OUR money on going to an exotic locale, well, we deserve it! We all must take time out to rest and recharge, otherwise, what good would we be to those who need us? It is OUR choice not some stranger's choice. Never feel guilty about taking time out for yourself. This is how we connect with our souls!!!

    I also have a rental home and it makes a little money, but the insurance and expense of maintenance takes a chunk out of any profit. I see that some people do not understand that, How could they unless they have been in our sheos??? Regardless, just know that you ARE contributing to society for the better, good for you! Hugs!



  • shoes, typo!



  • I also wanted to say I think it is not being able to give control to another that may hinder you. I say that because I do that! I will complain about having to "do" everything, but when hubby or someone else tries to take up the slack, I butt in and say they are doing it wrong! LOL! Yes, it is a curse not to be able to let go and allow the help that does come to you! I am working on it myself. Good luck!!!