Can someone tell me if this is worth waiting for?
I have been in a relationship with a 32 year old Cancer man for about 5-6 months now. We met back in May and started going exclusive in June. First couple of months things were great, he told me he wanted to marry me and have children with me. He wanted to bring me out of town to meet his family. I told him to slow down and wanted to date a bit before making this commitment. He agreed then that dating for a year or so is not unreasonable. Sine then he started with drawing. We went from seeing each other 3-4 times a week down to 2-3.. In September he mentioned that he want to be able to meet and talk to other girls. Since I have a lot of male friends, I figure it's only fair that he can be friend with girls. Little did I know that he was telling people that he is still looking for a life long mate. When I found this out, I asked him...and he said that he has this weird feeling inside of him and he doesn't know why it's there because he can see a future with me and love and want to be with me, but yet this feeling inside is telling him that he should meet other girls. He later decided that he wants me and wants to work on us. Things has been great we see each other 2-3 times a week... until this past couple of weeks where he said he's super stressed and doesn't have the energy to get together. we managed to see each other last Sunday and everything was great. Then during the week, he told me that he tried but this feeling of wanting to meet other girls is still there. but he also told me to relax and not to blow it out of proportion and that he is not seeing anyone else and that he loves me a lot. I wanted to get together face to face to discuss and again he tells me that we should talk on the weekend since he is extremely tired.
The weekend's arrived and i wrote him an e-mail telling him that i'm there if he needs me and that we should communicate and work on lowering his stress as a team. and to share with me what is troubling him. but he just shuts off even more. Even told me to forget him for a while as he needs space. He finally read my e-mail today and said that he agrees with everything I say, but right now he just want to be left alone. he said that its pretty selfish of him since i am involved in his life and it hurts me when he's pushing me away, but he feels disconnected from who he is because of having lots of stress from work. He said he doesn't have any spare energy bits to be with someone properly and take care of that person the way he should. He asked that i please stop sending him any kind of messages to try to understand and help. its just making things worse when I put pressure on him. He said that right now he just want to disconnect from everything and rest and that he's sorry for any pain he's causing.
No where in there do I feel like he is breaking up with me and when we're together things are great. I see him with great potential to be a great father and great husband. It's extremely confusing when he is moody, depressed and have self doubt. Should I give him the space he requires and wait for him to come back out of hiding?
His DOB July 17, 1978
My DOB April 14, 1984
Thanks a lot!
Well, it appears that you have little choice but to give him the space, to be honest. If you don't, it will make things worse. If you do, you have a chance of making things work.
This man dives in and then he reconsiders. He wants every option available to him even as he's saying that he's fine with you. The Cancer in my life is very, very similar in this regard.
Is he truly husband material for you? Yes. But not until he grows up about his choices and decisions and the understanding that commitment requires from him different things than he thinks it does now.
I wish you luck... keep me posted!
Some insights or reading would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks Miranda! I don't think i have any choice but to give him the space...i wonder how I would know that it's too much time and space?
Noosiekins, according to your astrological profiles, you two have an interesting, varied and intense relationship. Your friend will usually have to have things his way but his power to persuade and manipulate will be sorely tested by your resistance and wilfulness - in both a love affair and marriage (if it lasts that long). But you two are better suited as lovers than spouses, since the relationship's conflicts, tensions and searing passions go better with excitement, often sexual, than with stability and security. Your friend's preference for excessive behaviour can be triggered if he finds himself playing second fiddle to you who are much more worldly than he is. The primary theme of this combination is the fight for personal freedom. The relationship will often involve unproductive power struggles, then, and is unlikely to be very stable, especially since the two of you have trouble sticking to anything. There is a built-in desire here to be free of everything the relationship creates, whether it be a commitment or other structure, or simply a joint interest. Career, social or economic competition or interests (especially for your friend) are likely to take precedence over trust, sharing and just plain fun. Such relationships rarely last the distance.
Captain - can you explain a little bit more?
It will make things worse if you pressure him.
When it comes time to move to the next level a certain panic always sets in. Much of that has to do with what he thinks might be expected of him. So, the thoughts would be: What does she want? What does she want me to do? What should I do? What do I have to give up? Does she want me to be her boyfriend? Husband? Forever? Ahhh!...am I ready for this? What about so-and-so? And on and on…
The brakes were put on and it doesn’t matter whether it was you or him that stepped on it because now he is evaluating his position, his feelings and what he is ready to give. At least he is being honest about it. The more pressure you put on him the more he’ll think you want too much from him. And the more stressed out he gets the more likely he will just throw his hands up and say I can’t do it.
That’s my take on it…
I would have to agree with AquaBubbles and advice no pressure. No pressure may consist of backing way off. He wants time...give it to him most definitely. He needs space...give him miles. Meaning, no emails, texts, phone calls. Let him get a real sense (FEELING) what it's like not to have you in his world. And too 5-6 months is not a terribly long space of time to get to know someone. That isn't enough time to figure out what type of rhythm your relationship might have. For now go with the flow...
Wish you the very best,
Vanillaskies (also a Cancer)
I feel that the gentleman in question does like having things his way..as in the power struggle that Captain highlighted.
If he couldnt see you as much as he wanted...he withdrew...and..."still looking for a life long mate."?
If he cant have you on your terms...(which by the way I thought was sensible) then he will have you on his....and it just so happens, "he's too tired and stressed" to see you as often as you would like to see him.
I have the feeling he may be seeing other girls, or another girl, as he has alluded to and would prefer to be with someone he can manipulate.
If there is doubt and turmoil now...think of it for the next 20 yrs.
I was once in a similar situation. The man was a love in my youth. He found me 7 weeks after I had left my husband of 24 years. We had not seen each other since I was 13. He wanted me to get my kids, relocate to another state and marry him. I said I wouldnt because my kids were dealing with our seperation, and it was enough for them..He married someone else 3 months later.
I do not regret my decision.
Forgive me if I am too harsh....I hope I havent hurt you.. I am only speaking from what I see in your words.
Sometimes adjustments are neccesary....but ...being too tired to see you...makes me think
he doesnt want to work on a relationship.
I would be looking for someone who does.
Hi Patchlove - His roommate, who's a friend of mine (how we met) apparently asked him if he's seeing anyone else and he told him no.
Vanillaskies & Aquabubbles - should i put a time frame on how long i wait for him to get out of this?? how long does it usually take?
I also wonder if i pushed him deeper into his hole when he told me to relax, he's not seeing anyone that that he loves me a lot...that when I replied "I'm not sure what to say right now but that this relationship should go on hold until he figure out if him loving me 'a lot' is enough to have a future together."
I later apologized for my "rash" respond..but i think it was already too late.
You would do yourself a huge favour if you moved on from this man. He has issues, but who doesn't right? We all do. However his are a little taxing and burdensome. I would even go as far as suggesting he suffers from some sort of mental unbalance, I keep picking up depression and anxiety. Should you wait for him? No you shouldn't.. because even if he takes you back, this will keep on happening. As he can't take pressure or what he perceives as pressure because of all the issues and insecurities in his head.
IMO.. people should never wait for other people, why wait? Waiting indicates that one of both are having issues within the union or one is just not into the union any more and doesn't have the guts to just end it, so they do the waiting game hoping the other will get the massage. If there are issues between 2 people isn't better to work together, instead of separating and waiting?
All the best.
Noosiekins, your friend has great drive and determination but is more interested in using these attributes in his professional life than his personal life. His career matters a lot to him. Highly observant, he is well organized and capable of choosing the perfect moment to make his mark in the world. Passionate and involved, he is idealistic yet capable of solid, practical application of his goals and ideas. His sense of beauty is innate, even though he may never feel the need to own or possess beautiful things. His biggest pitfall is his tendency to steamroll others in an effort to realize his larger goals, or to overindulge in the 'finer things' (which in his case is usually an aesthetic experience) or in his attraction to the more 'primitive' side of life. Born with an aversion to being tied down or trapped in any way, your friend will always prove elusive in love. He tends to over-idealize his partners, setting himself up for great disappointment when they turn out to be imperfect mere mortals. He is searching for the perfect relationship and can fail entirely at the art of commitment for fear of relaxing his high standards and settling for less than he dreams of. But perfection does not exist so he is on a never-ending search for the perfect mate. He must learn to balance his big need for a public identity, to be SOMEBODY, with his need to build successful, intimate relationships.
I don't think he feels the need to own or posses beautiful things...he's probably the simplest guy I've ever met. He believes that if it's something you can make yourself, make it. He does however like to eat healthy and has a hobby in growing plants and would spend money on having exotic seeds from all over to "try and grow" here...
He might talk about nice cars and such but is driving a car that's got a big dent in it and is a used car...radio doesn't work... u know ...
Oh I also need to add that when I asked him if he's asking for a "break" he did not answer.
"I don't think he feels the need to own or posses beautiful things...he's probably the simplest guy I've ever met."
Yes that's what I said. He doesn't feel the need to own beautiful things but can just appreciate them.
Captain - that makes sense and true.
Thanks for the clarification noosie. I worried about my blurting...lol.
Sometimes when we are given information it takes a moment to slow our minds down long enough to absorb what is actually being said or written to avoid missing information.
You know how you feel about this person. Perhaps it's deciding whether you want the consequences of being involved with him. You are wise to take time and know the truth in your heart and what is best for you. Listen to it.
May clarity and peace come to your soul.
Thanks Patchlove... those around me thinks i'm setting myself up for a big disappointment if and when he comes around to talk w/ me.
So weird. I had this dream last week that we'd be spending X'mas together... last night, I had a dream of him texting me that he's fine and is doing better.