Help... I think I drove him away for good.
I think I drove my guy away for good. Im just so torn between the directions Im going in life. I was just in some serious mess with family... & Right now I have no filter for my actions or words.. which only after I acted that way for the third time did I realize the immense anger & craziness I am in.. I am torn completely from myself... & I dont trust my feelings at all.. How do I stop thinking about him. How do I just let him go... I cannot forgive myself for another person I put this through. Ive driven so many people out of my life out of anger in the past year... I am just not in a good place emotionally...
Whats meant to be will be right? I just need to let this guy go for now so I can stand back on my own too feet.. but the guilt from the way Ive acted is holding me back... Ive already tried to make amends but honestly I wouldnt trust myself either acting that way...
I want my confidence back. My strength... My optimism back on life... & at the same time hope to have the opportunity to try again with him. However I dont want to hold onto him in my head... it will only hold me back... I never meant to hurt him like that... I just screamed at him & said some horrible things just because I dont feel so good about myself.
I just miss him being there as a friend. We had an open relationship & things got too much.. and I started thinking otherwise on the situation.
Or I dont really know... I am completely unbalanced in my feelings & emotions. I go through one thought to the next.
I stopped writing completely instead I brought my anger out on him instead of into my journal. My only outlet is like a cry for help to someone... and I feel like I cannot really express myself truthfully because I dont know where I stand as a person. Ive gone from one idea of us to the next... thinking one thing is it and then changing ... As of right now Im living in a very unstable environment. I needed an outlet.. i needed my thoughts and feelings to be heard. My imagination is completely blocked. My vision for my future is completely blocked. I understand we set our own limitations in our minds but I am completely blocked and scared.
I just lost myself completely over the course of 2 years & want to know if Ill ever gain it back & at the same time have someone be apart of my life. I havent been in a serious relationship in 6 years... I focused a lot more on growing as an individual & finding my self.. I dated briefly however at the beginning of all these changes... I got involved with someone who I kinda fell hard for.. and I just remember not wanting move for days... My parents had split... my dog die & they lost our childhood home.. during all that I just couldn't move anymore.. Things only got worse from there..
I try to be very optimistic in life.. I do... but when I see my loved ones hurting is when I feel the most negative... My family got worse.. I moved with my mother to help her.. instead it just got worse.. none of us were adjusting correctly to the situation.. & all of us had our own pain.. None of that has been fixed since..
Im finding myself getting stronger through this.. but my mother & I are still not okay.. I feel empty & scared...
My guy has been there for me.. Hes tried to be strong.. yet he has his own baggage to deal with.. We try to be as a direct as possible with eachother but sometimes Im a brick wall.. & dont trust myself...
I have no job... as of now.. & im on my way to being kicked out of my home with my mother.. for some reason we are done to nothing & I actually feel a breath of fresh almost... Im not trying to show pity..
I also fear taking a step forward as it could be the wrong one.. there are certain things in my life that I do want in the future like I always wanted.. Im ambitious.. and thats something Ive always been...
I just didnt feel it was worth it trying again to do things right with my guy... there are going to be times I fall completely apart ... & I regret not holding back the words I said.. but somehow I needed to be heard... or just hear myself...
Thanks for allowing me to open up!!!
Hi oxPiscesxo - until you said that you were getting kicked out of your home with your mom, I thought maybe I wrote these in my sleep! The guy, the job, the anger, the baggage - wow, yep - been there.
Sometimes life is overwhelming. We all do the best we can and what gets me through each day is that things DO happen for a reason, Would you be sitting here thinking and writing if you didn't feel you lost him? It's all a step forward even if you don't feel it.
I had some anger issues with someone in the past. He had security and abandonment issues and some baggage. I had a lot of baggage, more than I knew about at the time. His issues caused him to push at me for more. Him pushing made me push back. I begged him to leave (for the day/night). I screamed. I said things that I knew hurt just to get a few hours alone, and I felt SOO bad when I did it, but calmly reasoning with him didn't work either. My job was getting taken over by new owners, I was on my own financially for the first time in almost 20 years. I was scared, I was dropping weight like you wouldn't believe, I couldn't sleep. My therapist could not believe I didn't end up hospitalized. I needed a friend - and yes, I wanted my lover - but I needed me too. He was afraid "me" would mean a loss of "us". He was wrong but I couldn't convince him of that. We both built walls - unfortunately we did it at opposite times from each other. We had vowed never to shut each other out, but somehow we did. The hurt in his eyes hurt me more than he knew.
It sounds like you have done a lot of things to try and help others. That was my problem. I put everyone ahead of myself. "There is always tomorrow, next month, next summer". My theory was if people were happy they'd be quiet and leave me alone. But I didn't do that with him as much and it sounds as if you did the same. Why do we treat the ones closest to us that way? Do we really expect them to understand so much and be so forgiving? There is a lesson in that. Turns out making everyone else happy didn't help me anyway. I lost the merged job - the culture was so horrible, which made the low pay not worthwhile. All of us from the original company were fired within 10 months of the merger. (which added to my stress).
This has made me step back and look inside myself. To what I really want from life and how to get it. How to love me and please me and do what is good for me. Everyone else be damned (in a sense). I have had such a hard time with that, as I know people like that and always felt them to be selfish and self centered. ie I would always help one person out at work if they needed a day off. But wow, in the 3 yrs we worked together - she helped me ONCE. So I want to learn balance too - but I now understand that I am most important to me. In love, life and everything.
I am not psychic..... but your story reached out to me, and I want you to know - you are not alone. One step at a time, my dear.
My best to you........
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Please do not post this stuff on other peoples comments. This is spamming & disrespectful.
Have you ever tried meditation? If you don't know how to get started, there are lots of great videos on youtube. I find it brings me peace and grounding no matter what mantra I'm using or even if I'm just doing it for a few minutes a day, still and focused on my breathing.