Relationship woes



  • Can someone please put my mind back to focus and self love? After two years in an abusive relationship my x-boyfriend he moved out overnight. Alhtough I was abused mentally and physically I was very much in love with him, obsessed is more like it and very upset that our relationship was truly over with no recourse of getting back together. On the same day my x vacated our shared living space my highschool sweetheart from 25 years ago called me. He said he wanted to see me spend some time with me and proceeded to tell me what a wonderful person I have always been. His mom has lung cancer that mestatized to her brain, but he was hopeful that the chemo and radiation she was enduring would slow the cancer and give her more time. We spoke on the phone many times for hours on end. We made plans for him to visit me this weekend, with no expectations but two old friends getting together. I lost comminication with him two weeks ago and have not heard from him since. I put off other men interested in me because of these plans. Plus for some reason I feel my energies are out of whack and everyone has deserted me. I try to stay upbeat, but depression is setting in. Can anyone help me and advise me what I can do to make my situation better.



  • My birthdate is 03/05/1960



  • Hi Luckysue, I am so sorry you are going through this. I was raised in an abusive environment and I know how easy it is to be depressed when someone you love hurts you or leaves you.

    Please...Consider yourself lucky that he left. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life upset? Most women can't get rid of their abuser. You are very fortunate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot express this enough!!! I thank God right now that you are free of him. Before you even think of seeing anyone else, you need some time alone. A lot of time alone. Sue, you need to reflect on your past relationship to avoid it again in another relationship. If you don't, you may just end up attracting another abuser. I'm not saying we literally attract abusers but in some way we are just as responsible for not seeing the signs and walking away before we commit to them. It can take someone 6 months to a year to show their true colors. You have to be very careful. If children are involved, think of what being with an abuser is teaching them. Do you want them to stay in abusive relationships? You can use this time to do a lot of soul searching, and deciding what you will tolerate in a mate and what you will not accept. Where is your line that cannot be crossed? Abusive partners stay with people that allow it. You can use this time to research abuse and characteristics on the interenet. You can take self defense classes with a friend or relative. Do not ever allow anyone to hurt you. I am not a violent person but I will protect myself. No man or woman will put their hands on me without a hurting on them. You deserve better. We all do.

    I think it is really nice that your friend called you and helped you through your seperation but honestly you weren't ready to see anyone else yet. Maybe he was brought into your life to ease your pain. That is a good thing. Try not to jump from one relationship to another. You both have baggage to deal with first. As far as losing contact with him, maybe his Mom took a turn for the worse. If you really want to contact him, just let him know that you are worried and want to make sure she and he both are okay. I wouldn't rush into anything or you may end up hurting again. It's very easy to let friendship lead into dating. It takes a lot of self control and honesty when talking about it.

    If you are sliding into depression now and you start seeing someone and they hurt you, your depression will get worse next time and will eventually be hard to get out of. It will eventually get to the point where it takes everything you have just to move. Depression can be dipilitating if it continues to get worse. You must take care of you right now and find your happiness again.

    Noone can make you happy, they can only add to it. Always remember that.

    As far as putting off other men that are interested in you, then maybe that was a good thing. Like I said, you need to get your heart and head together. Right now, it sounds like you just need the company of some good friends. Once men find out you're single, they will be every where you turn trying to date you. Learn how to cut them off without hurting them or burning any bridges later. Be polite and honest, tell them I need some time alone. We can be friends but I have to focus on me right now if I'm going to make anything work with anyone else. Tell them you were in an abusive relationship and not ready to date right now but you appreciate the offer. You can use a buddy system if you are weak and still need company. Several of you can go out to dinner together or for a drink but do not let each other kiss or go home with anyone. There are ways of enjoying good company without falling for anyone. Remind each other to be strong. Remember a touch leads to a kiss to a relationship and before you know it, possible misery. Know this time around, what you need to add to your happiness and what will only depress you. Learn from it and become stronger.

    Try not to look at it like desertion but maybe God is opening better doors for you. Spend this time taking care of yourself or try a new hobby that makes you feel good or try helping others. There are people right now in an abusive relationship that need help. There are also people that are missing their loved ones that need to know they aren't alone as well. We can heal our own wounds by helping others.

    I wish you the best and I pray that you are learning how to avoid abusive relationships. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved and cared for and treated with respect and kindness. I am here if you want to talk more.


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