Need advice please...

  • Hello everyone,

    I need some advice on something that has troubling me from a long time. I have a bf and we are quite serious of this relationship. My bf has taken me granted in a way probably because I keep on helping him or may be he thinks that am not going to leave him. He loves me I can say that and I love him lots...

    Of lately I started getting this feeling why I am being so nice to him in general. Sometimes I try to be wise and try to speak my mind but I cant hurt him. Its like I feel am going to die if I hurt him. I understand if its early in relationship but its almost 5yrs now and I dont think am out of this feeling.

    Its like pampering him treating him like a kid. There is some deep connection to this behaviour of mine. I love him but I dont understand why I have to pamper him.

    can someone please tell me why I have this feeling that I should not hurt him? Does this have any past life significance.? Is he someway related to me from before?

    I know its crazy but its definitely troubling me.. may be thats the reason I am posting here today.

    thank you in advance for your opinions!

  • Five years is not 'early' in the relationship. If you can't communicate honestly in your relationship, you should not go any further until you have it. Are you sure he loves you - it sounds like he's just leaning on you or using you as a mother substitute. And it sounds like you treat him like a child not your equal adult partner. Love shows itself more in actions than in words. What does he do for you in return? You must have an equal give-and-take relationship or it will never work. If you two can't discuss your problems and share with each other in an open way, then you have a very shaky unreliable matchup that will fall apart. I think you are both playing roles and not being real with each other.

  • Dear captain,

    May be your right. May be am scared to open upto him.

    But he has changed his career plans to be supportive of my ambitions. He is willing to come along with me in case if I happen to settle in foriegn land. He is pursuing higher studies so that he can be with me. His parents are against a relationship outside of their community and He has stood by me and is waiting for me to settle in my career. . I think its his way of showing his love.

    Really million zillion thanks as this discussion can put me off the load of thinking unnecessarily.

  • Yes but is it the love of an equal adult partner or the neediness and clinginess of a child for its mother?

  • Yes but is it the love of an equal adult partner or the neediness and clinginess of a child for its mother?

  • I dont know myself... I feel he is a bit clingy and he is very secretive of his feelings. He is a scorpion and am a gemini.. though I dont compare them with sun signs. I want him to be open and I dont want to miss a wonderful guy like him. Just dont want to hurt him thats all. How can I let him know my feelings without being assertive of them.?

    He is very attached with his mother may be he finds that quality in me too.. am not his mother I just wish I can let him know that...

  • Hi there jo,

    You mentioned his parents not wanting him to go outside of his community.

    Some eastern cultures want their children to marry within their culture...and also some cultures are respectful and reserved in their communications. If this is so in your relationship, it would explain his hesitancy in revealing his emotions to you.

    I think it time as Captain said, to have a frank an honest discussion with him about your feelings. Let him know thats you need more open dialogue to know what he's thinking and feeling, and thats it's okay to express exactly what's on his need to know where he stands. This may actually be liberating for him.

    Encourage his growth while he encourage yours.

  • Simplejo, I think you fear that he will leave you if you behave in a way that seems to be unfeminine or unmotherly. But you do have to be honest about how you feel.

  • I agree with both the captain and patchlove...I have a friend that I also having trouble she is in the same situation that you are. It is hard to be involved with somebody not within your own 'community'. Actually even up to this time, people from those culture still finds it taboo to get involved with somebody 'not of their kind'. Honey, the most important thing is you have to be honest with him, tell him what is on your mind. You don't want to be his mom, he's got one already. Be his partner. Partners are open and discuss and he on his part should understand where you are coming from too. It all depends on your approach. If you know him 5 years already you probably know how his mind works. Remember , relationships should always be two-way. If we are always prioritizing the other just to make them happy how about our own happiness then. You can't bottle up all issues until you reach your threshold? Try to be open...culture and community should not be in the way for you to fully understand each other and be open to each other.

  • Thank you so much for ur valuable advices. I will be open with him. May be I am scared but he deserves to know what I feel inside too... in short I should learn to trust him!!

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