My ex daughter in law
Hello. Can anyone tell me whats going on with my former daughter in la? We have remained close and now she is in a very unhappy marriage. She claims he is verbally abusive and controlling. I would like to know if things will work out for her or is she will be able to get away fom him? He house was recently foreclosed on and she has no job or money. I think that the only thing that keeps her there is her son.. So any info is appreciated. He name is Ashley dob 11/1/84.
Your DIL has a very active imagination and a volatile nature and is much given to emotional extremes, with her partners in particular. She has a tendency to equate happiness with fighting and drama. When there is no drama in her life, she creates it. She gained this 'survival mentality' from the family she grew up in. She has a problem letting people get close to her emotionally and physically as a result. Yes, her husband can be a bit abusive but only when she has pushed him to his limits. It's her own fear of being controlled that makes her see it everywhere. So basically she is her own worst enemy and only time and insight will cool her passions and give her greater awareness and perspective. Unless she deals with this need for drama by understanding that it does not represent true happiness, she will just attract more of it. She needs privacy and alone time in order to think straight but she mustn't stay in her 'cave' for too long. People tend to set her off and drive her over the edge so she must learn how to cope with her moods and relationships and be more even-tempered and steady. She needs to be more grounded and solidly anchored to reality. Issues of infideltiy can also interfere with her martial bliss until she learns the value of loyalty.
I fully concur with The Captain here. What I get is that she's brought this on herself to a very large degree. Your own son threw his hands up in the air and basically left because he couldn't cope with her double-edged way of dealing with things, ie, she'd say she wanted something, then when it was presented to her, she'd knock it back or make out that it wasn't what she asked for. She comes from an abusive family herself I feel, and has carried this with her right through her life. Don't misunderstand me: she isn't a bad person at all, but as The Captain said, she has "learned" that life is only about hurt, pain and survival, not enjoyment. I feel she pulled your son down to the point where he could no longer cope with it. I also feel he tried his damndest to help her and the relationship between them became very co-dependent. You are a very open-hearted woman; I get that very strongly. You shoudl be congratulated for being so accepting and non-judgemental. Step back a bit from what she's telling you, and have a look at her track record from as much of a non-biased viewpoint as you can. I think your son was not her first marriage or long-term relationship either. This poor girl really needs counselling and quickly. She is on a real down-turn in her life and if allowed, will pull those around her down with her, as unaware of this as she may be.
Please don't think you need to save her. She is not your responsibility ultimately. Be there to listen and lend a shoulder. At the end of the day, she needs to see where she's going wrong, accept it and deal with it.
I hope this makes sense to you. Can I ask how your son dealt with this? Not knowing the history here, I feel like I might be treading on toes, so to speak. If I have done this, I apologise; but for some reason I am compelled to ask where your son stands in all of this.
Good luck cathylee; hope this helps in some way
Thanks to both the Captain and Chris. She did indeed come from a pretty disfunctioal familt with her mom being an alcholic and dad was a drug addict( sounds liks I made that up but it strue). I never thought it scarred her that much but it makes sense. She is a lovely girl with lots of issues. She is actually the one who left my son and took off with this other guy. She would not even try to recconcile or go to counselling to try to save the marriage. It has been almost 4 years since she left but she does stay in contact with both myself ans my son. He is very lonely and has no confidence in himself. He was nover really good with girls in the first place and when she left with no word he was devastated. He has had no other relationships since then. I am hopeing sometime soon he will meet someone he can share his life with.
Oh dear, that is so very sad! I'm sorry I got it wrong about who left who, but sometimes - and I'm not trying to justify my mistake - a person "leaves" emotionally by giving up, which is what your son might have done. He has not been "good" with girls because he hasn't met the right one yet. I get that he's a very shy, retiring soul who likes to quietly go about his business but whose love runs very deep indeed. She only touched the tip the iceberg there, and I do feel that your son is much stronger than others give him credit for. He'd be devastated because he invested quite a lot into this marriage, but at least he's proven that he can actually do such a thing. After all, it's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all, as the old saying goes. I see him meeting someone new within about 12-18 months who he'll be very compatible with. However, your ex daughter in law will remain a friend of the family as you were probably the first real family she'd ever known and she won't forget that.
Blessings, love and light are bestowed upon you both for what you tried to do for this girl. At the end of the day, you have affected her life for the rest of it, but she wasn't ready to accept the love she was unconditionally - and for the first time - given.
Good on you both. He will be happy soon though I suspect that in a strange way, he actually is, but feels he needs someone in his life to validate it. One day he'll see that isn't the case and true happiness will be his.
A privilege it has been reading for you,
Thanks Chris . What a great reading. You are so right on many levels. Blessings to you and yours.:)
Hey Cris, good to see you back. How have you been?
No worries cathylee, and thank you for your blessings
Captain, I've responded in my own thread, but quickly: I'm doing okay! Tired, but okay. I hope things are going well for you too xoxoxoxoxo