Hello miss captain lady :)
uggh...after months of keeping my silence and having my peace disturbed a few times, i wrote mr. aquarius a "letting go" e-mail...i am not sure what i expect to come from this. i feel a little better letting him know i don't hate him. ugh, he will never be out of my life completely... here it is, what do you think?
i'm probably the last person you would expect to hear from on a random wednesday evening. or ever, for that matter...it seems to me that is how you wanted it.
i'm not angry or sad or upset with you anymore. it took a lot to get to this point, but mel knows herself better and i'm lovin being on my own and well, that's something. i learn new lessons and things about myself/the rest of the world from this very painful experience every day. taking negatives and making positives, whew makes me glad i'm done with math....ha. you don't have to invite our friends out for drinks and casually halfway through the conversation ask silly questions about me. i am doing fine. as liz put it, i did not jump off a bridge. nor have i been desperate enough to contact peter lainey...dear lord where that one came from i do not know, silly boy. i'm still doing my school thing, hanging out with our old friends and some new ones i have made. don't worry, i'm not sitting around on weekends plotting on offing myself or keying cars or anything. haha... quite the opposite...i've been making myself get outta my mel shell. single mel does what she wants, all day erry day. this only having myself to worry about and make happy thing is pretty damn sweet. it's a crazy dating world out there, haha dear lord...
obviously, through past e-mails and such, this situation is the last thing i wanted to happen. i'm happy that you found someone. really. i knew you were seeing someone weeks before you re-activated your fb account. at least 3. and i had an idea of who it was. i knew you were spending a lot of time in mt. p and i know your type...it wasn't a complete surprise to see it. i had really hoped you were going to tell me. at some point. but that was not the case. i know you, and i know you aren't good with feelings/emotions. mine. yours. i can't really speak for anyone else's. in the process of letting go of those negative feelings and getting my peace back, i got to thinking about all the good times we had. we really seemed to have a connection, it just for one reason or another it didn't work out.totally understand that timing business, now... to tell me one week how in love with me you were and then just a couple weeks later basically dumping me and telling me i wasn't good enough for you (that one statement about "what'd you think, i was gonna marry a waitress?" will forever be ingrained in my head...). i chose to forgive you for all that mess a while back over the summer, but i will never forget. this just isn't what i wanted at all. i always assumed we would at least end up friends when and if it were completely over (don't worry, after that emotional june day i knew there was no going back to it or you...). i do, however miss that guy that at one point i considered one of my closest friends. i do not think you are that same person anymore, though. it seems to me you have been kicking your oldest closest friends out of your life. well just stubing and i, so far i guess. i'm not going to say anything about that situation, if he wants to talk to you he will talk to you about it. it makes me sad to see this. it's very hard for you to get really close to people...and from a story liz told me about your dad i think i understand why a lot more clearly. it's very easy for you to push people away(i've watched you do it to me more times than i can count), and i don't want to see that happen with you and kathryn and if it does i don't want you stuck with no friends. b/c you're getting rid of em left and right. you've made a lot of changes not only to yourself but to your lifestyle. there's nothing wrong with a little growth. or a lot of growth. i can only wish you happiness and hope that everything you have is what you wanted and going how you planned. i just don't have it in me to hate you or have any ill feelings. anymore.i find it is quite the opposite. i still care about you a lot. i would like to think you didn't mean to hurt me as badly as you did, but i'm not real sure about anything when it comes to you, you silly aquarius. haha and for the record liz said if it were her and you pulled that mess, the car woulda been keyed. no ifs, ands, or buts. haha my response was i don't need any bad karma coming my way. healthy positive vibes are what i'm trying to put out there and hoping to get back. so far, so good. i being a happy hippie (that's what matt calls me, haha. steve and i are on a whole new level, you'll have to get liz to tell you that story, maybe she won't leave the good parts out....damn liz stories...)
as with past e-mails i have sent you, i expect no response. i suspect our paths may cross one day (i am excited about my decision to stay in charleston and finish school here, and the place is only so big...) and if i see you somewhere i don't want it to be like "oh, dear god, do i go say hi or walk in the other direction..." as michael howard would say "i dont hold a grudge longer than 10 years" haha...
hope your school year is going well. i can't believe i am almost done with my 3rd semester. it has gone by sooo fast, all of it. take care of yourself. and that fat ass pussy of yours. butters says "meow"
I think you hope it will bring him back even as just a friend, but I think he will move further away and forget more of the old crowd. He wants a new start with new experiences and new people. He felt stale and wanted fresh horizons. He felt his old crowd was holding him back. He is more a forward-looking person than a back-looker.
i think you are right, but i finally got my closure
i thought about this a while. yeah, you're right. that e-mail was more for myself than him. he knows what he did, and him asking my friends about me made me mad on a different level than i had been. i feel pretty exposed, but i'm an emotional girl and that boy knows it. you're right, i am sad i lost my friend, but you are also right about the friends part....but like i said i can only wish him happiness. and continue to let it go and get on with my own life with the lessons i have learned from this painful experience. i kinda feel like what now? especially now that this retrograde is finally over...it's never easy to lose someone very close to you and have to let them go. that's one of those hard learned lessons...
Think of the new wonderful people you still have to meet...be a forward-looker like your ex-friend.
i'm trying. us crabs are past dwelling people...it will be better one day...