Is it real or what she wants to see?
My daughter (KEM-dob: 2/22/89) ran into an old friend (BLC-dob: 5/30/88) and they started communicating, flirting and eventually going out on a date plus other activities with our family; however, he seems to "dissappear" for a few days at a time then reappears and starts communicating again. His last 2 relationships ended badly (their fault he says) and my daughter does not date often (long story).
Even though my daughter is very busy with school and other activities I can't seem to figure out why she's OK with his disappearing act (this is not like her) and if this guy is really as nice (and interested) as he seems to be or is there more to the story. BLESSINGS FROM A MOM!
She's coming home this weekend and I'd like some PSYCHIC advice on why she is ok with his behavior and what's going on with this situation, especially him?
Your daughter is open to this young man because he does not expect a full commitment from her and it is just an easy flowing relationship, one where the doors are open for her as well as him to explore their feelings and go where they are lead in regards to matters of the heart. She is just beginning to open the door to romance as I feel she has a career objective in which she wants to fullfill foremost in her life and will. Your daughter may be one that wants companionship when she feels like it and can live without it also, as she has better more interesting things to do with her time. She will become smitten in the last half of 2011 with a man that may be a bit older than her (don't worry) he is intelligent and a man that all the family will resinate well with. He feels tall with light hair and will have a good looking face and smile. He wears conservative style clothes and does have a very good wit and charm about him.
HI Ms Shuabby - may I ask you a question?
Thank you for your thoughts. You are correct in my daughter having a "career objective she wants to fulfill" as she's very committed to school with a firm idea of her degree choice leading into her career path.
Correct again with her views on companionship as this is how she's been in the past and part of thishe's been this way as part of her personality; however, I feel it's been more of an avoidance out of protecting herself (again, long story). As you stated she is "opening the door in regards to matters of the heart" and herein lies my concerns which prompted me to ask for help. I know she really likes this person but I'm concerned she's being naive about this young man and does he have a true interest or is she just another girl he's "seeing".
The description of the person you said she'll meet at the last half of 2011 fits the description of the young man in her life right now, except his age, BC is older but only by 9 months.
Again thank you so much for your thoughts on this.
Yes he has an interest in your daughter, it is her aloofness that actually lets him explore the outer relms for added romance. She is smart and I know she will not let herself be used if that is your concern. i know you have her best interest at heart.
Kookish, this relationship brings out the flamboyant side of both persons, especially when they are engaged in furthering their joint ambitions. At work they are imaginative and innovative. Success is important to them but only if it can can be achieved with a certain style. Image matters to this pair; what is less obvious is the importance of quality work. They will struggle hard to achieve their standard of excellence, while making it look as if what they are doing is easy. This relationship works out best of all as a friendship. Your daughter is very sensitive but has a worldly side that this guy stimulates, rousing her from her psychological or physical retreat and urging her outward. Their combined energy can be aggressive, operating effectively in business, sports or the creative arts. Meanwhile in a personal relationship, your daughter can also stimulate this guy's sensitive side, encouraging introspection and meditation in him. So they can be very good for each other as friends. Self-exploration is an important theme here: this pair may spend long periods in intimate settings, exploring private sides of their characters together. This is not easy for either of them, as they may not be really trusting of each other at a deep level, but they do usually try - in fact, they work on the relationship as hard as they work on anything else. The main thrust however is outward. Dramatic and theatrical impulses may characterise their public appearances; the emotional sharing that precedes these vivid displays may give them a basis without which they might seem to be false or empty posturings. Friends and family will find them stimulating but a little strange.
Your daughter may have to do a lot of soul-searching before she comes to term with the defensive attitudes that may be holding her back from higher understanding. Until then, she may seek to submerge her anxieties in work, obsessive love interests or an excess of family responsibilities that may take up her time but do little to nourish her spirit. She has a tendency to overreach and may have to scale back her ambitions, her notions of success, and her expectations of others before she can realise true fulflillment. Career crises are not uncommon here. At some point she must confront her ideas about the nature of fame, wealth and power so as to find a balance between her material and spiritual needs. She must get to the bottom of her anxieties. If she doesn't succumb to pessimism, isolation, and chronic insecurity, and develops the necessary objectivity to orient herself towards the metaphysical and higher ideas of spirituality, she will be able to release many of her self-imposed limitations. Her fear of what she can't control might manifest in a tendency to seek emotional security in the small details and routines of everyday life. But it is through seeking the bigger picture that she will find her reward - she can go as far out as she wants to in her thinking but she must remember to come back again and share what she has learned with others.
The young man here must find a balance between his intuition and its practical application if he is to find happiness and be able to trancend his sensitivity. The danger is that he will allow his fear of rejection to manifest in an unpleasantly aggressive, clingy or demanding need to be needed. At the same time he mustn't supress his feelings or concentrate solely on material reality, for that would remove his potential for higher spiritual realization. Provided he doesn't give in to depression or controlling attitudes, or let himself to be unduly affected by others' negativity (he is very empathic), he will achieve both his worldly and spiritual goals. Making the correct choice of partner will be difficult for him though - he either chooses someone who is too strong and demanding for him or too weak and draining. It is actually his work or personal cause that will prove most important in his life and spiritual transformation.
The Captain recently read my "vibes" and told me "you gotta have more faith and trust"! She is very smart; however, due to a past and very painful hurt from someone she trusted it's hard to let go completely of the fear. Of course this is my fear mostly because for whatever reason she feels safe enough to venture out because of this young man and I need to have faith that she will be fine.
Thank you for understanding this mom's concerns. BLESSINGS!
Thank you for your thoughts on this. I do like this young man, especially because my daughter feels safe enough around him to venture out of her "psychological or physical retreat"; however, just because she feels safe around him doesn't mean he's doing the right thing by her - I don't want her to be just another girl he's dating because I know this is not how she is.
He came on very strong then did his first "disappearing" act for a few days then came back as if nothing was wrong. I don't know if he's worried about getting hurt again and isn't ready for another relationship or if he's really not as interested as he was in the beginning.
I completely agree with you about the risk of him "giving into depression". I thought about this as well because he doesn't sleep well or have regular sleep patterns for someone who has a full time job, plus he's spoken openly about his last 2 relationships that hurt him terribly and he really doesn't quite trust his judgement. He's a twin and speaks openly about his brother's very successful relationship with his girlfriend of 5 years - he has spoken about this on numerous occassions. Then again I'm always looking for the boogie man and I've wondered if this is just something for him to hide behind and not be loyal to one person.
As you told me when you read my "vibes" - I "gotta have more faith and trust" and I really need to do this and more importantly I need to let go and have faith it will work out as it should.
Thank you again for your time and sharing your gift. BLESSINGS FROM A MOM
In a way - does this not seem like a fairly good situation to you? He can go away for days and she has her own life and business to attend to and she is not worrying about where he is or what he is doing? It sounds like her priorities are school, work, her own hobbies and her own life. It seems to me that would be better than having him around all the time distracting her from what she feels that she has to do, and perhaps he has things he has to do. True - he could have other girls he is seeing in those missing days - that makes it all the better that she has her own stuff to be concerned with. It all depends. As a mom - I would hate to see my daughter hurt also and, of course we want to prevent them from making stupid mistakes. But we cannot control everything. It sounds as if she has some sort of good friendship with this person anyway. Is it?
There is nothing we can do to stop our loved ones going through pain and suffering. That's life and it's how we all learn and grow. But we can teach them to be strong and to love themselves so that they don't make bad choices - this will help them to cope with anything or anyone that comes along. And we can be there for them as they both rise and fall.
if he is up to something she will eventually be effected by it and do something about it, either confront him or break away from the situation........ does he not contact her while he does a disappearing act???? he do sound like he doesnt have as much interest in the relationship as he should, so i do agree with you..... she sounds to me that she is avoiding it to protect herself from being hurt, as you said she does like him. have you spoke to her about it??????
Turtledust, You are right! We are very lucky parents because she does have her priorities in order and a relationship has been low on her list and I should focus on this positive aspect of her life than a boy. I do know she wanted to be more than just friends with this person and that is how he acted as well. It’s just how he disappeared for days, then she was extremely upset, then he reappeared as if all is ok then she was fine as if nothing happened.
They are friends but I can’t say they have a “good” friendship because I don’t feel she can count on him to follow through with things - then again it is HER friend not mine.
YES I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES and I work on “letting go” - maybe writing on this forum asking for “psychic guidance” for a situation regarding my daughter doesn’t help –hahaha!
Thank you for your insight into this and for understanding how a parent feels. BLESSINGS!
Our daughter is a very strong young woman and has coped with things in her life quite well and I think you can tell she’s SO MCUH more mature than me at times (ok, most of the time). I need to let her live her life and have faith she will make the right decisions but if things don’t go as she’d like I just need to be there – with lots of ice cream!
Maybe it’s just me but it doesn’t sound too promising with BC because I feel he’s more of a “player” than I think she would like to believe but this could just be me looking on the dark side of things OR he’s just a wounded soul as well and their paths have crossed again for a reason and they are to be friends to help each other heal. Of course I could be OVERTHINKING this whole thing!
I know there are bigger and much more pressing issues in people’s lives and this may seem like a very trite situation in the big scheme of life and I hope you understand this isn’t just about a potential new relationship. This is about seeing my child step out of her protective cocoon for the first time in years after being hurt by someone she cared about and we all trusted. I worry she hasn't honed up her “trusting skills” just out of avoiding situations like this; however, I need to LET IT GO and have faith all will be ok - even if she gets her heart broken a little.
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME VENT - I feel much better now. Thanks again for sharing you gift. BLESSINGS!!!!!
They aren’t officially “in a relationship” at this point but it was headed that way and my daughter is not a serial dater. They spent time together and then one day he just “vanished” including any communication. He contacted her days later and asked to take her out and they talked and she told him it was disrespectful to do this, he apologized and that was that.
Maybe she realizes he’s not as interested as he was in the beginning and you’re right with your statement that she’s “avoiding it to protect herself” but I think she may be backing off out of concern she’s pushing and he’s not ready for another relationship or just not a relationship with her. The thing is, if he’s not interested in a relationship, and I’m pretty sure he knows she is, I don’t understand why he keeps up the connection, this is very weird to me and I’m not the most trusting person. I’ve spoken topically about my concerns and she’s coming home for the weekend so we’ll talk more at that point.
I know it sounds silly for me to be so concerned about this when they are not even officially dating but please read the previous post to The Captain and you’ll understand my over-zealousness with my daughter’s dating life. Then again, maybe I need a hobby!
Thanks for your insight and for listening (reading). BLESSINGS!!!
i can understand how hurt feels by someone you love, i was too very hurt by someone i loved so deeply he is my little boys dad and we were 2gether a long time.... he broke my heart more than once and he hurts me still by his actions..... i can understand how she is feeling..... it will take me a very long time to trust someone with my heart again....... can you ask her how she feels about it?? but not in a pushy or judgemental way???? if it is meant to be it will, but things will unfold over time anyways!!!
Kookish, it would be much worse for your daughter if she hadn't been hurt and was instead stepping out in the world with a completely naive view. At least this time she will be more wary.
I feel this young man may have had early childhood issues with his family, either them leaving him or him leaving them in some way or by his parents making him feel bad about himself somehow. He had a dysfunctional family life and what he learnt haunts him to the present day. He's always expecting the bottom to drop out of his life. His fear of getting close to someone - and then bad things like abandonment or rejection happening to him - makes him run away. Then he comes back for more, then he runs away again. And so on...this is what he was taught to believe love was. He probably has a fantasy (completely unrealistic) about what a healthy family life is. Maybe he's drawn to your daughter because of her own happy family life, something he envies.
OOOHHH you're good! He's a twin but his parents weren't expecting twins and he's the 2nd one born; he says he's refered to as the "after thought" child. This may not be it completely but to me this comment could shed some light on how he feels and maybe how he feels he's been treated.
His twin brother has a successful realtionship with a very sweet girl for the past 5 years and BC has commented on this often. He said he questions his own judgement on picking a girlfriend because he thought the last 2 girls were nice but both relationships ended badly. It's interesting how much he does talk about this type of stuff so openly. Is he just trying to get us to feel sorry for him or is he really that hurt?
He graduated with honors with a degree in accounting and is very intelligent (at least book smarts) but I think is somewhat emotionally immature. My daughter is somewhat immature on the personal realationship level so maybe they can teach each other a few things and maybe get past some big hurts in their lives. My daughter does have some gifts and is somewhat empathic and seems to draw the "wounded puppies" as we refer to them, to herself.
Your comment about BC "running away then coming back for more, then running away again" describes EXACTLY how he's been with her. He asked her to do something weeks in advance and then for some reason retreats just before the scheduled event.
I do have a question: Does BC know how my daughter feels and just isn't ready to start down the path toward another relationship yet OR does he not think she's really all that interested in him (she is not the fawing all over someone type, almost to the point of aloofness at times) OR is he just attracted to my daughter because of her "family life" and not really to her or is there another option?
Her view: My daughter thinks he has one foot in the "I'm scared and not ready to face another relationship and the potential hurt" and one foot in the "I'm ready to handle another relationship" and he keeps going back and forth. One day he'll want to be in a committed relationship but only when he's ready and she doesn't want to push. (I told you she was the mature one between the two of us). I just hope when he's ready for a relationship it's with her if that what she still wants.
When I say she's aloof toward guys, I'm not kidding! She had an amazing friend who wanted to date her but she wouldn't and was so cool with him. Even my husband, who is very grounded, said the connection between them was noticable - as if no one else was in the room. We both thought they would end up together but that didn't happen. He did play a role in her life and are grateful for his friendship. Do you have any thoughts on this friendship? KEM; 2/22/89 & RWT; 8/20/84.
Thanks again for your insight. I've been thinking about what you've said all day and it makes me giggle a little to know I'm looking more at myself as we visit versus the situation I initially asked about. BLESSINGS!!!!