I'm confused



  • I've known this guy for five years . We work together. We've been close friends for three years now.

    There has been chemistry between us since the day we met. However, we've both been in a relationship with other people all this time. We should both get married this year. He has even set a date. I told him I was in love with him two years ago and he got totally confused. I asked him to tell me we were only friends but he said it was too complicated and that he couldn't deny his attraction to me but he did nothing. Nevertheless, he continued being extremely sweet, close and prepared to do whatever it takes to make me happy, apart from being mine:-). Two moths ago we started seeing each other on daily basis and it seemed we couldn't do without each other. Although he is getting married, he is not happy and I know all the details. I'm not happy either, being in a relationship that obviously leads nowhere. The guy I'm with loves me but I grew tired of all our fights and his inability to do something with his life.

    Anyway, when I realized that my friend would really get married and that everything was over, I freaked out and couldn't sleep, eat, breathe. He kept calling me, we kept spending more and more time together and I was positive we were in love, according to how he behaved and what he would say to me, so I told him again I was still in love with him and I was sure we felt the same. But, he said he liked me as a person and was attracted to me totally and not what I was expecting to hear. I was completely devastated because my intuition (which has always been strong) was telling me this was about to happen.Can I trust it EVER again? I'm completely restless but cannot see what else to do. I asked him not to call me and meet me any more and now we are both miserable. There are several people who thought the same as I did, based on his behavior. What do you think?



  • Hi, You know, as long as this continues it is going to confuse you. His fiance is probably doing all the wedding arrangements. Doesn't look like he is going to chicken-out. When you tell him how strongly you feel for him, that is only temptation. This is going no where and crazy. My suggestion to you is to break it off and continue on w/your life. Feelings are often different than reality, so I don't think it's intuition. If someone tells you that they are planning on marrying, I would listen to that. Wait until they break-up before stepping-in. Sometimes it's better to look at what part you played in this before trying to analyze his part. Is he taking advantage of the situation.



  • First of all, if both of you know you are currently in a relationship that you are not happy with then get the hell out of it before you get married! Either that, or go ahead and get married, be miserable, and then get divorced at a subsequent date. It's up to you. But those are your only two options.

    Given that, there is no sense in wondering 'what if' so long as both or either of you are in a relationship with someone else.

    As long as that is the case, there is no sense in thinking of this any further. Right now neither one of you are married, so either of both of you are actually in an easy position to be able to do something about your current situation.



  • ...also when push came to shove, then this man that you are so much in love with couldn't commit to you either. It sounds like he has a commitment problem, and now that he's faced with marriage, he is looking for an avenue of escape (ie. you). But he won't verbally commit to you either when it comes down to it. To me, it sounds like you are a convenient excuse to him to back out of his marriage and he has no idea how he actually feels past that.



  • Boy I hope neither of you marry the other person if you don't really love them. I married someone thinking, what am I doing here. And I went through with it because I didn't want to hurt someone elses feelings. Wrong reason. It ended in divorce. I should have listen to my gut. If all you can do is fight with your fiance you need to end it now. Whether you get with the other guy or not. Its not fair to either one of you. As for the one you really want you need to let that take it course with his fiance. Stay away he has to make up his mind and you aren't helping him. If you really care about his happiness then give him space to make his decission.



  • All these years all I've wanted to avoid was hurting my boyfriend and his girlfriend's feelings and I ended up miserable. Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate them! I have few people to talk to about this issue since I feel guilty. I've always hated women like the one I've turned into.

    I tried to change my job last year and I nearly succeeded. The thing is I really like my job and people I work with and I have really made a lot of effort to get it (it was temporary until last autumn).And now I have to leave it all...I'm afraid that's the only way out, I've tried other ways and they didn't work out:-( I'm really sad it all had to happen...God knows what I've done to avoid getting where I'm now...



  • happenstance, guilt is common, but it's not warranted. It's unfortunate that you find yourself in a situation where you feel the only way out is to quit a job that you truly enjoy. That's a choice that only you can make.

    I will tell you though, that going with your heart and with what you know is right is the only good answers. Try not to feel guilty, or afraid, or any shame over how your decision may affect or hurt someone else. You are being honest and doing what your heart is telling you is right. Any guilt you feel from it, or any short-term pain your actions may cause will pale in comparison to the pain that would occur if you shamed yourself into marrying without love or even desire, and then eventually ended it due to a miserable life. That would only make both of you miserable during the marriage, and intensify the eventual pain when you decide to be honest and call it quits. Best just to be honest and brave now and do the right thing. You'll be so very thankful for it when in the future something truly real does come along.


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