Is love enough?
I am 28 years old. I have been married twice and have three beautiful children and a wonderful step daughter. I have been with my husband for 5 years now. I love him with all my heart. I have always been more of the "wildchild" and he is very quiet. We are both cancers. There are so many things that we have in common, and many things we do not. Lately, I feel that there is a rift in our relationship. I can't seem to find work and he hates his job. I have tried to talk to him about going back to school and he says that he doesnt know what he wants to do. (He will be 31 years old in a few months.) This has caused a huge strain between us. He has told me for years that he is going to get up and do something with his life, but he is confused. He complains every day about his job and the little money he makes. He talks about winning the lottery all the time. I went back to school for a little bit, but ended up dropping out. I just cannot retain the information they want me too. I have always had bad grades when I was in school. I am not sure what I can do.
I am not sure what to say or do anymore. There is so much love between us, but everything else is what is not working. Its like we are some of the stupidest people when it comes to schooling and jobs. But our love is unconditional. Having four children doesnt help. I love him with all my heart......but is that enough to make it through?
I once had a very wise person tell me, "If all a marriage has is money problems, then they have no problems at all, because everyone has money problems. The more money you make the bigger the problems." I have found this to be true my entire life (I am 48 yrs old).
Listen, you guys need to start focusing on the positive in life. So you were challenged in school most of us were. Stop saying you are both stupid, there is no such thing. When you took your marriage vows you said, "For better or worse, richer and poorer, in sickness and in health." Stick to those vows, don't ever sway. Money will come and money will go in your lives, it's just the way it is. You are experiencing the poorer part of your vows right now, but, believe me things can turn on a dime.
You have four beautiful children you are both responsible for, lead a good example for them, show them how to behave when life gets tough. That is a parents job, to teach their children by leading with example. I know times are hard now, but If you think this is tough, try separating and possibly divorcing with four children! That makes your problems seem very small.
I hope this helps...
Corin29 We have lived much longer than you and have seen good times and the bad. And I have said for years that when the economy is bad like now. And this isn't a first. Its when people start fighting. They fight to find and keep a job. They fight when there isn't enough to play or get the extras you used to get. Then you fight cause you can't stretch it far enough to pay the bills and eat too. People get so stressed in so many directions that they start to think I have to eliminate some of this stress. So they get a divorce because its just one less area of their life where they fight. But that doesn't solve anything either. Your partner and you need to stay friends. Because when all is said and done, no one else really cares about you and your family but you two. And that is work everyday too. Just support each other and don't make it one sided. If you pull together there isn't much you can't get through. Its when you split that the hole gets bigger and the distance makes it hard to get back together. Love each other everyday.
Thank you so much for your comments! Its hard for me to talk to people because there isn't anyone to talk too! We don't have very many friends in our life. Maybe one or two that are really our friends. I hate talking to family about it. The example I grew up with wasn't a good one. And my husband didn't have a good example either. So, its hard for us. Like I said though, I love him with all my heart. We have been put through so much since we first got together. It just seems to keep going up and down like a roller coaster ride that never ends. I am starting to get discouraged because of all the up and down. We have a little bit of good luck and then it goes so far down that I cant breathe. I know times are hard right now and there are lots of people that are going through even rougher times then us. It just seems to be a reaccuring pattern with us. Its hard. We try not to fight in front of our children period. But, its hard.
Thank you both again for taking the time to read what I wrote and answer back. I appreciate it more than you know!
I know that this always sounds easier than it is but you bring to you what you think. So think more positive and try making a list of what you want and as each comes put a check next to it so you can see it front of you, its getting better. If you think negative thoughts then thats all that you can see. And look what you teach the kids. I know, my dad was so negative that is all we heard growing up. Its so hard to change when you don't know anything else because you think it is the norm. Change for your children.
Just take CAN'T out of your vocabulary.
I agree with LibrasLair. Try to be optimistic. You've got your love, cherish it.
What do you love to do? I mean, REALLY love to do (I am speaking to both of you now...). For me, for example, I love to read...Some women lust after shoes, me, I'm addicted to amazon for books...There are other things I love to do, of course, but, man, reading is at the top of the list. So, it probably won't surprise you to learn that I teach. I do other things as well but one of my jobs is teaching. I teach English as a Foreign Language. Now, from what you say, teaching would be the incarnation of Hell for you but you see what I mean...Do what you love. If you can't do it for money, make sure it is in your life! I know many people who have extremely unexciting jobs and it is fine with them. These jobs pay the bills. They survive and survive cheerfully because they know that when they get home, after dinner and giving the kids their baths, comes an hour of reading...or painting...or knitting...or creating the perfect miniature...or whatever it is that floats their respective boats!
The other thing I would advise is to write down 300things that you want to be, have, and do. It need not be 100 per catagory, just 300 all together. Here are two funny pieces of trivia: First, most people when asked what they want can't tell you. Oh, they have no problem saying what they DON'T want, but what they WANT stumps them. Make this list very precise and don't forget the "to be" catagory. You are parents, after all, what sorts of people do you want tobe modelling for your children. The other funny piece of trivia is that change is the 2nd most frightening thing for people all over the world, after public speaking and-and this is amazing to me-BEFORE DYING or death in general! So, yes, I absolutely believe that your husband is "stuck". Once you have made your lists (each has their own), make sure that you do not hide them away! READ THEM every day at least twice a day. Make sure everything is written in positive language and in the present tense. Your brain will slowly but surely "create" a new reality for you.
On a very practical level, have you thought about something like network marketing?
You and your husband are ahead of so many people precisely because you DO have that love! You must be strong for each other. I have VERY good feelings about you both.
I have read all of your comments and suggestions. I actually started to think about what really makes me happy besides my kids and my husband. I have checked out a couple of options for going back to school. He is still "stuck" unfortunately. I know that I need to take action and maybe he will see how happy I am becoming and hopefully try to make a change as well. So, thank you everyone! It all helped me get my butt in gear!
I will try to keep you updated! Thanks again so much!
Gee u folks aren’t stupid. Don't be so hard on yourself. Every human in the universe has a talent. You need to work on that area. So what! If you missed the bus and haven’t finished school, you will and can survive. One cannot undo the past. Close the chapter of the past and take it as a lesson learnt and that you won’t make that mistake for your kids.
Enjoy today and this moment with your family and look ahead. Does your husband prefer being his own boss? Why not start something of your own, start small; you need to make a list of things that you always wanted to do. Maybe something might pop up in that list.
You are both blessed with love which is very scarce these days. Cherish it and four awesome kids enjoy each moment with them. Think of families who cannot have children.
Think Positive and positive will happen.
Good Luck dear.
yes, love is enough, your kids need both of you!