Cancer man broke up with me.. but I am confused. Please help me out
Me and my Cancer just recently worked through some tough issues. I found out he was talking to other girls, then found out he cheated later on. He disappeared for two weeks and I begged him to come back - he did, but made it clear it wasn't because I begged him. He said he never wanted to discuss his cheating again.
Now we worked through the bad feelings and anger issues but we didn't discuss our relationship because he refused to. We have been talking like the best friends we were before dating. I know it's unhealthy but I have avoided bringing up our romantic relationship for fear of losing him. He has talked about how hot women are in front of me and he has acted very arrogant (I think the attention from other women went to his head because he has acted so self centered)
Yesterday we had a huge fight. I couldn't stand not discussing our relationship. I asked him where we stood and he said we were just friends. He said if I asked him about our relationship again he would cut off all contact with me. I was very hurt by how casual he acted because we were so extremely close before - it is like talking to a different person these days.
The weird thing is, a few hours before he broke up with me he had a jealous fit over a guy (friend only) that he thinks I'm talking to. It makes no sense to me. How can he say he doesn't want me as a girlfriend but get upset about that? (He didn't get mad but he got very insecure of himself and let me know it!) And I don't think he broke up with me over that situation because I managed to smooth it over quite well. It was a very short flare up but he seemed fine after.
Today I had a near emotional break down and sent him old letters he'd written me. He wrote me letters saying he was meant to be with me, that God led me to him, that he loved me, that I was beautiful, and that he was crazy about me. All of these things seemed so genuine when he said them.
Someone help me make sense of the situation. I am really emotional and having a hard time thinking clearly. So please help me. My cancer man is like a completely different person and I don't know what to do anymore.
There is no confusion i think, you are just dragged into this too deeply emotionally and you are afraid to face pain, which you would go through in case it is over.
The hardest thing is to admit to ourselves that the person we 'chose' is not the right for us. He just causes you pain, he uses you and he definitely and clearly does NOT respect you.
i say absolutely independently of astrological signs, if a person does not respect you, he doesn ot love you and if you have a little pride, you realize that he does not deserve you.
Everyone on Earth has right to be happy and be treated well. So please don't give yourself for less. I did in the past and i got nothing but hurt out of it.
good luck to you!
gypsydreams last edited by
Leave him , he is a wasting your time. The guy sounds like he has issues coming out his ears. I mean, HE cheats and then he has the audacity to tell you he doesn't want to discuss it? Who the hell does he think he is? He obviously doesn't give two hoots about your feelings.... Leave him honey.
It’s strange behaviour….and it’s disrespectful. Were you exclusive or have you ever discussed it before? How old is he? I’m sure what he wrote to you was genuine at the time but what he felt in the past has changed. Telling you that you are just friends makes him feel less guilty about what he has done. The jealousy thing is a way of projecting his guilt onto you. In other words, she’s talking to other guys so he feels justified with what he’s done. It’s also a passive aggressive way of breaking up; create a reason, start a fight where you’re to blame then break up. It’s manipulative.
Whatever the reasons, it’s not a healthy situation for you. You’re not getting the answers that you deserve and both of you aren’t moving forward; you’re moving apart. You need to let him go, because the tighter you hang on the more he will hurt you.
MariaRia last edited by
Agree with all of the above. Of course he doesnt want to 'discuss your relationship' -he cheated on you, he knows 'discussing' just means him having to come clean with what he's done, and men with no courage don't like to admit they're wrong or like to face their mistakes. And, threatening to break it off with you in order to not have to face CHEATING on you? Wow. That's so wrong. You should seriously leave him in the dust and let HIM think about what he lost, if he cares at all. He does, indeed, sound selfish and immature. If he's the one who screwed up, HE should be the one worried about losing YOU, not YOU worried about losing HIM. RIght? He's turning it all around so he doesnt have to face the music. Tut tut!
wineaux last edited by
pure deflection & emotional blackmail. i am SO sorry that you are having to go through this. he sounds really unevolved as a cancer and a man. @mariaria - she's on the money about this.
you have to rise above his immaturity and disrespect by showing your independence and strength. i know it's going to be a difficult journey internally - but don't ever let him see you sweat! it'll kill him. that i can promise you.
it's time for a mid-season replacement, even if it's just for a sec.
Thank you for all of the advice. I am having such a hard time letting go and an even harder time making it through each day. He is ignoring me now, which I had no desire of contacting him anyhow. But he has cut off our means of communication. I just don't understand. I wonder if the letters I sent him caused him to be angry or actually made him remember the person he used to be. I want him in my life so badly but the stress is driving me to my breaking point.
I thought Cancers had a hard time letting go of people they loved. He did come back after two weeks but at this point I'm afraid everything we worked so hard for has shattered. Our family didn't approve because of our age different - he is 10 years older than I am. So we worked hard to gain their approval because he respects my family. We go to the same church and he has known my mother for a long time and does show so much respect for her. He has actually skipped church for the past three weeks.
I just refuse to believe this is the man I fell in love with! Can anyone give me an idea of what's going through his head? I don't want to lose my best friend
AquaBubbles, he seemed genuinely insecure and upset when he found about my friend (and really, he is only a friend I talk to at church). Usually he puts up this false confidence and arrogance but he showed insecurity. I don't know how to interpret such a reaction from this Cancer.
He said he would remain friends with me, talk to me all of the time just like now, but only as friends. Then he said if I continued bringing up the past he would stop talking to me. He said "I won't cut you off completely, but I'll limit the amount of time I talk to you"
How to interpret this? It's so strange. It is not like him at all, he has never talked to me this way!
wineaux, my friend who caused the jealousy has indeed expressed interest in me but I turned him down because 1) I love my Cancer man and 2) the age difference between us is even greater and my family would never approve. This man is a Cancer as well, not that it matters because I am not that interested. I have been tempted to flirt with him a bit but I am afraid of hurting his feelings and causing my Cancer man distress - I know he has hurt me, but I honestly believe he is going through something emotionally that is causing him to act this way.
I feel like I sound crazy or desperate and I most likely do. lol But my passion and love for this person overwhelms me.
wineaux last edited by
he's trying to take the control BACK...cancerian men have a hard time with the balance of control - hence the emotional blackmail, manipulation, etc. a word, a color, a sound can set them off. you may never know - but telling you will relinquish the control over his emotions.
don't get me wrong, i have a my own little crabcake problems...it's just a lot easier to see it from the other side of the fence. someone wrote a thread on another site that cancerian men cause women to be psychotic. i've never been so emotional, obsessive, insecure and downright batty for any man in my life (except for my first love in high school, but that's normal). i NEVER let him see this though...and i can only imagine that he is in the same boat. it's hard to give yourself up to somebody 100%. which is why i think we all seek the love like when we had our first love - which was the only time i did it.
and in regards to the mid-season replacement? def don't turn to the guy that may have stirred all of this up to begin with. that will really drive your crab away, and cause lots of pain and unnecessary drama. crabs HATE the drama.
it sounds like he's got a serious amount of issues to work through and that he's retaliating against something. these are actions of someone who is fighting something internally that isn't ready to admit or release it. think about it.
Everything gets deflected back to you. He refuses to talk about it because he knows he’s done wrong by you but he can’t take the blame. He can’t trust that you could forgive him because you keep bringing it up (and rightly so). That is very insecure in itself. “I won’t cut you off completely….” He’s trying to gain control of the situation by controlling you. That’s more insecurity because he’s taking away your voice. No matter how innocent your friendship with the other man is, he poses a threat because he knows you have every right to end it with him. I’ve seen it before and it’s a twisted logic. I made a mistake, oh no she’s talking to another main, oh no I’m losing her but I’m not the one who’s ending this, she is so, I’m the one that is being wronged. What’s even worse for him, he knows your family, you go to the same church, you associate with the same people. He can’t afford to lose the respect of all those people.
wineaux, he did get divorced about five months ago. It was really nasty too. He was with someone who was emotionally abusive to him and it changed his perception (I think so anyway). He told me that she warped with his head. That probably has a great deal to do with his cheating but I have been too emotional to think logically about it.
AquaBubbles, I would so easily forgive him. I wish he would understand that. I absolutely believe you are right, though. I am a Leo and it's in my nature to forgive and love someone I care about. But I also need to talk about my feelings and his lack of appreciation or understanding has wounded my pride! I still don't want to lose him. I believe sending him those letters was a bad move on my part. I believe that he still cares for me, or he wouldn't have offered to remain friends, but I don't know what will happen now.. after sending him the letters he logged off of his Skype (and he only does that when he's ignoring me) and that is our means of communication on certain days of the week.
He might not even be conscious of doing this, but it’s all designed to make you feel like you’re to blame. Don’t buy into it.
Thank you AquaBubbles, I won't buy into it. The only thing I want right now is to work through these problems and at least keep my best friend. I truly appreciate your advice and help. Thanks so much!
GoldenEgg>> Honestly, isn't it all the same WHY he is doing it? The main thing is here, he is totally disrespecting you and emotionally blackmailing you... Are you sure someone who does that to you is someone who you really need in your life?
When i was at the same stage as you, when crab started to act weird and all, distancing, then cutting contact, then coming back etcetc... i asked all these questions... i wanted to know what is going on in his head and why he does things he does...
But at the end, except if HE answers your questions, you won't know for sure ever. This yoyo in your head, chewing it and chewing it all these questions are useless, believe me, they will just drive you insane. I arrived to a point where i had anxiety attacks and i could not calm down without pills... don't wait for so long.
It is so hard to let him go, cause once he was so affectionate and told/did so beautiful things... but the thing is, he does not do them anymore... and you can't know the reason why.
After a while i realized that i worth more than to be 'played' with and being hurt and being disrespected, cause believe me you lose all your pride which is essential to have for all human beings.
I KNOW THAT IT HURTS and you stand there all confused and ask yourself repeatedly... where is the man i love? and why do i deserve this?
Well honestly you don't deserve any of this and you can only get better if you get out of it. When they don't wanna talk, they WON'T talk and you 'humiliating' yourself repeatedly by saying 'sorry' (for things that are not your fault, remember? he is the one who cheated...) you just give more ammunition into his hands.
I let him be when he left and it took me half year to get completely 'clean', but today i am GLAD and PROUD of myself and i am happy to be away of that mess and pain he caused me.
I hope you find your way!
ps: and be sure of one thing... IF you turn your back and walk away now... IF he really loves you, he will see what he did and he will come back and say sorry... IF not... he is not worth it... painful as it is... but he is NOT worth it...
Thank you so much, Katie. I appreciate everything you have said and I know in my heart it's all true. Everything that everyone has said means a lot to me and I know you are all right.
I've never had trouble getting over being dumped before, but I had always seen it coming. And I guess since he and I started as best friends it's harder. With this I guess I assumed we would last because of what we went through. He was so serious about it that he wanted to talk to my mother and grandmother for approval. Now I can only wonder if he lied or I misread it or what.
I hope I feel better. It has been a hard month for me but hopefully things get easier.
kath584 last edited by
I had a very simular situation with a Sag, he is the father of my child, and for the whole of the pregnancy would tell me I was beautiful, that he loved me then he would cheat and treat me no better than a piece of crap his shoe, verbally and psyhically abusive...He would make me feel as I was treading on egg shells...
He put me in such a position that when I went into labour I was scared to tell him - incase he was doing something more important, (needless to say he fucked off to the other side of the world, I found out of his family when I was in hospital)
I look back now and think I was a fool....However he used to also be very insecure and although didn't care about me he would hate it if I got any other male attention.
I hope u find it in urself to come to terms that this cancer man seems a vile, maniulative bully and you can move on....you don't need someone jealous and possesive in your life....
The end of my story is that the sag wants me back and has completely changed his ways, he wants to be with me and our child but I know longer love him and were now good friends.
HappyPeaceful last edited by
I don't post this much on this forum, but your post moved me. You said 'Me and my Cancer just recently worked through some tough issues. I found out he was talking to other girls, then found out he cheated later on. He disappeared for two weeks and I begged him to come back'.
Dear Sister, he cheats on you and you beg him to come back.... Please think again what would you advise your best friend if she posted this sentence on the forum.
Please for your own better good - listen what Katie1982, gypsydreams and others told you here. Please please - leave all this case behind you because you won't find a reasonable answer and drive yourself exhausted and sad and depressed (I did this to myself when trying to understand a cancer guy).
Wishing you strength and inner peace,
I'm sorry if it all came out very strong and blunt, but I really said what I said having your best interests in mind.
I really understand what you are going through and that is why i told i KNOW that it is all hard. For me turning my back and walk away didn't come in a fortnight either... I believe you need to 'run the sufficient amount' of circles before you CAN say i am strong enough i don't need this mess anymore, i deserve better.
Cause we always know it, but it takes time until we can take action. we hope every day that things will change back to 'normal' and we can be happy with the guy again... sometimes it does happen, and sometimes it does not.
You know what was the hardest to swallow for me? And i think that is the main reason why i could not walk away for long...
the hardest was to acknowledge that if i walk away, he MIGHT just not come after me... until i kept myself in the 'circle', it did hurt and i was lunatic, but i kind of didn't loose him yet... so i let him drag me along with the game...
believe me, making the decision is the hardest, afterwards even so that it hurts for a while a lot, you can proudly look into the mirror every day. I still did cry for long weeks after i turned my back, but meanwhile i also smiled at myself, cause i knew i am over the worst part, which is getting clear in my head and realizing what is good for me and what is bad...
this thread and all the fantastic people on it are here for you. it did help me a lot!