What should I tell a friend



  • My friend has an attraction for a person in a religious order that can not marry. Nothing is happening. However, I don't think it's all one sided. What can I say to help her. Dee



  • let it go and find someone who is free to be with her - hard to do but the other way is heartbreak - love and light to the situation anyway



  • Poor kid. Commonality helps us all live happily over time. We can go with the opposite but it won't last and long term pain can follow.


  • Banned

    Couldn't disagree with raffioso more on this one. I'll tell you why: Love always finds a way.

    The object of your friend's affection knew what he or she was getting into when they 'faith'ed away their right to marry, and the fact that the attraction may be mutual only further compromises that persons commitment to their chosen course in life. If someone's world-view can be manipulated so easily (I wont pretend to know their life story, but you did say that it may not be entirely one-sided), then I would submit that their commitment to their lifestyle may not be as solid as they'd like to believe. I hate to sound calloused, but it sounds like this person isn't quite as committed to a non-marital lifestyle as you have been led to believe.

    Suppose that it blossoms into a wonderful, mutually beneficial relationship, of which many good things come for many years to come, furthering the causes of goodness and compassion. Wouldn't you consider them better off, rather than being stuck in a situation that they may not be entirely committed to? Suppose they can do more to further their faith (and others!) as a couple than as separate entities? Will their life and spirit be worth any less or de-valued in any kind of way? I suspect not -- we're still all made up of the same decaying organic matter as everyone else. I seriously doubt that God will love them any less than before. From what I understand, he's pretty cool like that.

    We owe it to ourselves to pursue that which causes us to rethink our lives. Squelching our own instincts and feelings is to deny what God has given us. By embracing our own human condition, we learn and evolve.

    Sorry about the novel -- touched a nerve, I suppose. 😉

    -Nate

    *I am a Tarot.com employee. The views expressed in this post are mine and do not necessarily reflect the views of Tarot.com.



  • I agree w/you Nate. This could be a beneficial relationship that could last for years. Goddess knows we need all the friends we can get in this life and this first attraction doesn't have to mean unrequited love. Love goes through many stages as we and it matures and you are right in saying that it finds it's way.

    Blessings and good luck to you and your friend,

    Inanna



  • Been there, done that, got the t shirt. We were not kids. What people need to understand is that religious are people too. True, they take vows, but they can be the lonliest people on earth. I loved him dearly and the feeling was reciprocated but I have to say it was one of the most painful loves I ever had and took a good while to ease. He is still a religious, but a very unhappy one at that, and if he had no family, then I think he would leave, but he would be criticised and persecuted and he clearly feels that it is better to remain in and miserable than to take courage and leave and live a normal life minus his relatives.

    God brings people together for a reason, it is not for others to condemn, criticise etc and before any one of you post in haste.....we loved each other........



  • I agree as well, Nate... to a point. The grey area on this is we don't know what "I don't think it's all one-sided" means (it could mean shallow flirting on the cleric's end, or it could mean he/she is on the verge of renouncing the religious order).

    Unfortunately, religious devotion can run the gamut from good old-fashioned piety to all-out obsession. And having less-than-convenient attractions is a part of the life process -- it doesn't automatically mean this man/woman of the church has transgressed. This cleric obviously sees a spiritual argument for celibacy, and these spiritual beliefs aren't precluded by the natural impulses to connect with another person (even romantically). That is, he could be genuinely infatuated, but it doesn't mean a celibate path isn't right for him.

    Also, since religion and culture are often intertwined, there's no telling the depth of this person's attachment to the church. A priest could give up the cloth, but feel immense guilt for abandoning a lifelong practice. Guilt isn't the healthiest thing to bring into a relationship (and in this case, it would probably turn to resentment).

    As you say, this person chose a chaste religious order of his own free will.

    Of course, this religious person could be having doubts, and these doubts could be manifesting into a possible relationship with Dalia's friend.

    As a Virgo, then, I'm gonna have to claim the title of the one sign of the zodiac that can be practical and romantic at once. I think you can be both passionate and pragmatic. It isn't wise to run screaming for the hills just because a relationship seems impossible, nor is it healthy to carry a torch for someone whose beliefs/psychology won't allow him to commit to a relationship. The Virgo approach, then, might seem clinical, but I would say that for the friend in question, it's best she put it all out on the table-- feelings, hopes, expectations. It's up to the priest/imam/what-have-you to react and do with the information what he will. And then Dalia's friend can continue down her life fully informed and with no regrets.

    (At this point, if the guy still shows reluctance to leave the religious order, I strongly urge the lady to cut off all contact for a while and move on. At that point it's just self-punishing to pursue somebody that embedded in a restrictive lifestyle, and she will have done all she can to pursue it. It's all very romantic to say love will find a way, but that presupposes that both people are receptive to it...)

    Ultimately, it comes down to the choice the other person makes. In a way, it doesn't matter if the choice involves religious order, or choosing between two possible significant others, or relocating or any other huge choice that people in love are confronted with-- if the guy isn't willing to put in what she is, it's not an equal relationship.

    Best of luck to your friend, Dalia.

    *I am a Tarot.com employee. The views expressed in this post are mine and do not necessarily reflect the views of Tarot.com.



  • What great well-thought-out advice, even if it was a few sentences. I thank everyone for responding. My friend has been blessed w/manifestations of Jesus and Mary. What she sees other people can see after she points it out to them. If you hang-out with her long enough, you'll see an image of Jesus. She has also had it verified by two priests. In the past, she has been able to talk w/ the person in question, but when she saw an image in this person's church (this person, in fact, verified it) this person basically quit talking to her. So, I don't know if it's an attraction or just sadness she doesn't have someone to talk to about this. What is wierd to me is why he chose not to pay as much attention. Also, on May 13th she saw an image of Jesus that was very sad. She called this person on his cell and told him what she saw. The following Sunday he announced that the Bishop was transfering him to a different church. I think she actually knew before he did. I guess the real question in why Jesus is so sad.

    I am happy to say that she is going to let it go. I tend to think like Nate, but in reality, I act like Saundra. I told her just to let it go.



  • How about Mind your own business, and let her decide that for herself, and let the story unfold.



  • Hate to say it, but the last person hit the nail on the head, and whilst I too received well meaning 'advice', we too let it run and I didn't pay any heed to what they said.

    Your friend sounds like she could do with some...

    Note: The rest of this message has been removed by the Forum Admin. Let's keep things constructive and supportive, folks!



  • Like I said in my last post, other people can also see what she sees. In fact, even the religious verified it. Also, about 5 have been moved in the area. Please don't add to the facts. She is of sound mind, has her own house and a good job. She does have a gift. Thanks. Dee.



  • I will sign-off for now. Thanks for the advice. Dee


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