Life in general.....
I was going to post this in Psychic but thought maybe this would be a good place. Maybe someone has suggestions that can energize me and keep me from feeling overwhelmed.
I don't know what I am looking for except maybe to vent at the moment..... I am feeling completely overwhelmed and things ARE looking up for me and I let myself get overwhelmed again. In a sense I knew this would happen as soon as I got another dumpster. See, my ex-husband moved out 2 years ago. He was a hoarder, who threw himself into an activity 500% and bought anything and everything for it. When he moved on to the next activity he did the same but never got rid of the stuff from the previous one. An example is that his mom would buy him 5 new work shirts every Christmas. He would put the old ones in the attic - EVERY YEAR! I had no idea he was doing this for years, then he tried to make me feel like crap for suggesting he get rid of the worst ones.
He got a dumpster and filled it before moving out. Then he moved. Spent 6 weeks taking stuff and burnt himself out. Said he'd be back. Came back for bits and pieces over 2009. Last Dec-Jan I went through the basement and found a LOT of stuff that was his and and a lot I just tossed. I decided that was it, he wasn't getting anything else back as it was too long. He got remarried Labor Day so no way will he take it now.
So...... he paid for my first dumpster which cleaned out the garage. Filled it plus took an additional 2400lbs of metal to the scrap yard. Garage is 95% done, yard is 90% done, basement is 90% done. Attic - that's next. But two flights of stairs, narrow to boot and I broke my finger on the attic ones last year.
I just spent 30 mins up there and tossed stuff of his from 1999. Not a piece was mine, all his.
I am so filled with anger towards him for leaving this stuff with me (at one point when I asked when he was going to clean more out, him he said "I don't want to clutter my new house"". I am filled with anger towards myself for letting this happen. But realistically, unless I tossed stuff behind his back, I couldn't stop him. Nor could I keep up with his buying!
This has affected my health, my jobs - everything. I want to feel at peace when I come home and I can't. I have finished ONE room since he left - the office (5/09) and that's it. Everything else is still a project. Big holes in the walls of 3 rooms from his wiring experiments. Broken moldings that he never fixed. Things he did to make HIS life easier with no regard to it making MINE harder. He left me his sick cat saying he'd be better off with me (then he said that my lifestyle suited his medical needs better - ugh!). I don't mind the cat but he is a huge expense and now it is my job to play god - and that's coming up soon due to his health issues. And I hate it. I want a simple life and am trying so hard to have one.
My car is old, my house is old and I am getting older. I have tried hard this summer and fall to get out and do things for ME, things I have rarely done before, to take the sting out of the work I have yet to complete. I try to do things in small chunks - ie 30 minutes up there today - so I don't burn myself out. I have taken every bit of advice and common sense to get through this sanely. When I did the basement I would spend Fri-Sunday down there and THAT had ramifications in other parts of my life - so that angers me too.
But here I am faced with another empty dumpster going into winter. My alternative is spring but I need this gone next year! I fear I cannot take another summer like this.
Friday night I made a very small todo list of things I really HAVE to get done this weekend. So far I have done ONE thing plus the front lawn. That's it. I did the attic work and ended up sitting down and crying in frustration. Yes Watergirl, you can say I was pouting but for different reasons.
When will this end? I know a lot of this is/was in my power but there are so many hours in a day and only so much of me to go around.
I am very lucky in that my work is flexible and I don't work a typical 40 hr week. So my projects don't have to be packed in on the nights and weekends. But even this is not helping me. Winter is setting in, I made decisions on disposing things in the yard - and now I have to wait for family to help. I only ask for help when I really need it and they know this. It's November. Soon it will snow and what I needed done will not get done. Which brings me to spring, which is a small step to summer. Hell I asked for help on 2 projects in March - not even touched yet and they won't be at this point. They've been talked about but not started.
I don't have spare cash. I am on food stamps and energy assistance as it is. I am getting an additional job this winter to pay down an old credit card. It's just my time and my labor.
Is there ANYTHING I can do in portions of the house to bring me peace and energy and motivation? Some days I don't even want to get up, as that means facing another day of mess. I love renovations would would happily spend days working on the house but this is too much. I can't even see the floor in areas, I have insulation falling in the attic that I can't get to to put it back in place.
I am so frustrated I don't know which way is up.
Even if you don't have suggestions, thanks for letting me vent! I am going to see if my sun spot has appeared in the sunroom yet and maybe read for awhile before tackling something else on my list!
The good news is I may have fixed my car today.....
It really does sound to me you are doing all the right things. You are taking a very proactive role in re-establishing your life. You are getting rid of all excess baggage left behind by your ex- and this is a very very healthy thing BODY, MIND and SOUL. Good to be active, keeping your mind busy and plus you are recreating your space/life. Your HOME is more than just a place to hang your hat. It is a representation of YOU. It's out with the old and on with the new. You no doubt must already have this great sense of accomplishment? Keep Going!!! It sounds as though the summit is within sight...and when you do get to the top you can turn around and see the miles you climbed, fell and some days clawed your way over. The personal rewards will be amazing!
Hi Vanillaskies! A nap in the sun with my favorite cat sure changes perspectives.
I do know I've accomplished a lot. Satellite pix showed my yard at its worst and I saved them to always remind me of how far I have come. I've taken other pix along the way, and every time an old friend stops by they too are amazed at the changes.
Living in them I don't always see it. And the attic is THE most frustrating place I will have to clean. My nap reminded me that someone suggested some sort of chute to get the stuff from there to the dumpster, so I will look into that to get rid of more old! I also remembered that they sort the dumpster when they take it so I don't need to pull papers out to recycle them separately, which is what I did today. Not even sure the library would want my old books but I will try, or goodwill.
Thank you for your lovely note, it really helps.
I understand the frustrations I recently moved into my folks old house they passed a few years ago and I have all my stuff and theirs piled on top of each other my daughters and my brothers stuff he's stored here too. It's a challenge but as VS says, we make it our own and let the past go w/ the stuff (lovingly)and things do seem to improve. I really have no right to judge I am a book hoarder myself. I also start projects and then quit part way thru cs my back screams or need to run to work or whatever and when I get back to it stuffs moved(?) so I can't finish it etc....It involves more than time and organization but energy management too. For me anyway, being 56.
What I have done to clear some paths is I pay my daughter to help me. She lives here but has clutter blindness and money talks! I don't pay her much as we have little but she is motivated that way. Is there family you can ask for help? Set up a barter system maybe. For me when i have someone to chat to it helps me have sense of humor amidst the chores. Sounds like you have made great progress maybe clear a room to your precise needs and smudge it so you have somewhere to go that is just your energy? I did that so I just have the garage and the office and a few closets left that has "stuff". I have boxes marked "stuff to go thru". I find if it is outta sight it's not as frustrating. But I am not as picky about tidyness in my home. I've done cleaning work on and off for 30 years and I get to a pt where I can't do any more and my home suffers for it. I'm one of those that has "piles" and cleans right before company comes I find smudging helps and a clean window w/ light streaming in and green plants.
Here in Ca. the garbage co takes big loads on the street by the garbage cans twice a year for free.If you get on line there are a zillion used bookstores you may be able to sell some books.
Good luck w/ making your house into YOUR home.
Hi Pfree! Thank you for your reply. As I told a friend, I am eating the (large) elephant bite by little bite. LOL I don't need my house to be so clean you could eat off the floor, so sterile that people are afraid to walk in. But I want it to be comfy and feel like home when I am here. I did get my office taken car of last year although I admit my desk has exploded a little this summer!
I have also found in the last two years that it takes me very little time to "spiff up" the house when my neighbor watches the cats. Not that they would care but I care a little.
A friend told me yesterday that tossing things out the window sounded like fun. So maybe I will invite her over for some tossing some day. I do have family but they have their own trials and tribulations and my dad is already helping me with things like getting my snowblower running again! He offered to help bring things down last week while he was here but we already moved some large fence sections and I really don't want to overwork him.
I am slowly feeling better about the progress I am making though I have yet to see it (I find paper does not take much room in a dumpster!). Once I get some money under my belt I am going to work on the spare bedroom (I will probably move into it) and the living room, they both need to be painted. I've already started to clean out the spare room. The sunroom just needs to be cleaned and a cable run for the tv. And I'll look up the smudging, I had read about that in the past. All those rooms get good light.
I've donated books to Goodwill, they are pretty close to me. I would have to get a dump permit and haul the stuff by the car load to the dump. They are pretty particular what they take at the curb. And since my exh is paying for the dumpster and most of it is his stuff....... I did find I had an overabundance of clothes, seems I have a hard time getting rid of clothing gifts! I donated a lot in the spring though, almost my entire closet. Makes job hunting interesting
Thank you for the thoughts and ideas!