In love with an emotionally unstable person
Several months ago I met a man who's daughter was on my basketball team (I coach). We're both in our 40s and have both been divorced for many years. Over the course of a few weeks, we would talk more and more... even have pizza together (inc his daughter and my teenaged kids) after games. There's absolute electricity between the 2 of us... I can literally feel when he walks in a room! Well, he finally asked me out and things were more than beautiful! After our first date, he was at my home every day! And after awhile, he was staying at my house 7 nights a week. Things couldn't have been better! Yeah, it was moving very fast, but we just fit so well together. I was in love almost immediately, and he was too.
Then... as if someone flipped a switch, he stopped coming to my house during the week... he was very short tempered and borderline nasty when we'd talk on the phone (no call lasting more than 4-5 minutes). Needless to say, I was in shock and beyond upset. I tried to talk to him but he refused. After a few days of this... with no explaination, of course I thought there might be someone else... but with a little recon (with a dear friend), and checking his cell phone (which I know is wrong), I know for a fact he's not seeing anyone else.
He still stays here on the weekends, and we get along well when he's here, and my kids still adore him (and him them) but he's all but cut ties with his own kids (his oldest is young but has a child of his own). When his phone rings, if its a friend, he's all nice and personable... but if its one of his kids, or even his mother (and during the week, me), he's SO nasty!
I finally spoke to his son about it and was told his "dad goes through these "bad times" and nothing helps him out of it". In the past three+ weeks since this all started, I've thought maybe he could be bipolar... and thinking back and over-analizing everything I could, all things seem to point in that direction. Now, I'm not a doctor, it could be something else, but I still don't know how to deal with it and he will NOT talk to me about it. The only thing he's said to me regarding how he's been is "so now you see the other side of me".
I'm a firm believer in the eyes being the mirror to the Soul, and his seem so dark lately... but every now and then, I see that old sparkle and love in his eyes.
So... how do I make it through this without completely losing my sanity? How do I help him through it to bring him back to the man I fell in love with? His son tells me he always eventually "snaps out of it", but how can I help that happen sooner rather than later?
This whole situation has thrown me off kilter, I wake up upset... and end the day upset. I have so much anxiety that I don't even know what to say to him in the few moments a day we speak!
I know most reading this will say... "so walk away! leave him!". But the thing is, I've never had a connection with anyone like I have with him... and I love him (and his kids) so deeply. I also feel the Universe brought him to me for a reason.
If anyone's got any advice, I'd sure appreciate hearing from you.
Actually, my first thought wasn't "so walk away! Leave him!" ....you've done everything I would have done...yeah, I would have checked his phone too...and the cheating element has been deleted. His son has told you about his dad's behaviour...so it's not anything that you've done, so be less anxious on that point. His comment..."so now you see the other side of me" suggests that past relations have faltered because of his problem ....I wonder if he is subconsciously challenging you? His son has already said that he'll snap out of it...so it won't last forever. I would enjoy the pleasant moments you have together....and try not to take his nastiness to heart....BUT I would say to him when he is being unreasonable to ease up or chill out....arrange times out with friends or your children when he is going through down times so that your mind can concentrate on other things. And in those few moments that you speak to him...just say I Love You...say it every time. He will soon realise he has an angel of a girlfriend and when he starts to get back to his lovable self that is the time when you can tackle his "depression bouts"...he is more likely to open up to you then after you've stuck by him through his bad patch. He will more likely seek treatment or counselling then too to try and prevent a downturn in the future. At the end of the day he will appreciate your love,help,kindness and patience. I wish you lots of luck.
Hi, Wasn't going to say leave either. If he was cheating or abandoning--yes. I take it that you don't know a whole lot about childhood or his past. I wouldn't press him on this either. Mr. Chick gave you good advice. I don't know if he is prone to violence or abuse during one of his down-sides. That would be a red flag for me. Sounds like this could be a roller coaster ride. But, you have already found this out. I think he needs more honesty about his situation because he obviously knows he has one. I just don't know the best way to approach this. He definitely needs to talk to someone. I don't know what to offer you except that your friend needs to open up and talk. And you may not be the one he feels comfortable opening up to at this point.
Well here I go, rnrchick and I rarely disagree, but we are at total ends of the spectrum on this one. First and foremost you have to think about YOUR children. You have young impresssionable children in your home, I think it is extremely irresponsible to bring this man back into your and their lives. Children (even teens) need stability and people they can rely on. It can be diffcult to break the cycle of disfunction in our lives, but you have a responsibility to keep your children as far away from this man as possible. I know this is hard with everyone being involved with a team sport. Really, stop for a minute and think about this, our children learn how to live by watching how we live. There is no room in your life to try to save someone, first of all he has to want to save himself, there is nothing you can do for him. He obviously has dealt with his mood swings for a long time and more than likely has had help in dealing and coping with his moodiness. If you absolutely cannot exclude this man from your life at least keep him away from your children, I know you are probably thinking to yourself, he is always good with the kids and never lets his bad behaviour affect them, but, beleive me your kids are affected by what his mood swings to do you, they know, the see, the mimic. I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, it's just my opinion. Please keep in touch and let us all know how you're doing.
All of God's blessings,
Oh my I don't agree with Myviewpoint on this on but then again I don't totally agree with rnrchick completely either. If you try not to have anything to do with him totally then the kids are being shown how to avoid someone who has an illness. No you have possibly made them afraid of people who can't totally help how they are. Or the element of predjudice could come into play. Would you forbid them from other illnesses. Children need to have things explained to them. They can understand if you keep it to language appropiate to their age. It seems that most of these kids are teenagers. If they go to school with others that have problems simular to this mans they maybe more understanding of others. Rosebud talk to him and explain that your children haven't had to deal with someone having the problems he is dealing with. Even though if his own children have. That doesn't mean they get it either. Ask him if he can help you to understand what is going on and that the children will be more comfortable if the have a better understanding as well. Good luck and then if you don't feel that this is suitable for your children you can cut the ties. But you have joined the two familys and this my be hard for his children. Since you are their coach too.
I guess I have this oppinion because I grew up with a sister who was in a wheelchair and so you don't want to keep them from blending in with the quote unquote normal people. Child would shy away because they didn't see someone everyday with person who was handicapable.
At the end of the day,rosebud, it's up to you how long you can put up with his behaviour and whether you're strong enough to weather his moods. Is he heading for a nervous breakdown? Have your children mentioned their concerns to you about his behaviour or about your reaction to it? Kids usually have radar ears and can spot discomfort a mile away. I would tell him outright that his "mood" is affecting you and/or your kids and tell him how you really feel. He needs to get out of wallowing in his self pity.....but I'm a gemini and I'm not renowned for my patience ...being a pisces you are bestowed with lots of sensitivity and patience. Just don't be used as a doormat.
It sounds like he may have GRIEF issues: for the loss of something, not necessarily a death,
but loss of a lifestyle, of dreams, loss of whatever was central to him being happy. He is trying to re-build a new life and sounds like a decent person, but new losses or any setbacks may trigger to old loss, because it takes a long, long time to get over some big losses. He probably doesn't want to talk about it: he wants to be over it, but grief is three steps forward and 2 steps back most of the time. It can sneak up on you when you least expect it. Also, if it is grief over the loss of a love, he may not want a new partner to know because it thwarts trying to move ahead or he may think no one will understand, or maybe admitting just makes him feel weak and vulnerable. I'd say let him handle it, as long as he is OK with you and it does not escalate to harm you or your kids. Give him space and time, and go do your own thing when he's in a funk.
Ultimately though if it is too much, you'll have to set boundaries and let him know that you care about him, but this is poisoning the relationship and it is scary. Moving too fast may have precipitated his stress, but I know how an exciting relationship feels and I can't blame you for seizing the joy. Just know that it has as flip side and may be too much too soon.
I think everyone has made good points, although different. I just wanted to tell you that I was in a relationship with a man that seems similar. He was wonderful at first. Attentive, loving. But I soon found out that he has MAJOR problems with depression. He would not keep a job for more than three months, and would just quit on a whim and say he just "didn't feel like going to work". He then became very agressive, punched holes in my walls when he was angry, stuff like that. He never hit me or anything, but it still scared me. I tried to work it out with him for several months, however, in the end, I just had to ask myself if I wanted to be with someone like him for the rest of my life. For me that was an easy question to answer. An emphatic, NO.
I quickly moved on, but he kept harrassing me and eventually I ended up moving out of that city because he would not leave me alone.
I'm not saying to just ditch him, give him some time to see if you can work it out IF you love him that much. But just keep that question in the back of your head. And be strong enough to say when "enough is enough".
I hope our comments help. Let us know how you are doing.
ROSEBUD, AFTER READING YOUR POST/QUESTION.....I FELT AS IF YOU WERE WRITING ABOUT MY LIFE.....IT BLEW ME AWAY....I QUESTIONED THE BIPOLAR POSSIBILITY AS WELL....I REALLY THINK THAT MAY BE THE CASE AND MAYBE SHOULD BE EXPLORED MORE....MY MEETING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WENT EXACTLY LIKE YOURS....THE ONLY DIFFERENCE WAS HE DIDNT HAVE KIDS CLOSE BY....THE SITUATION WITH THE MEAN/DARK SIDE CAME OUT FULL FORCE AND BLEW ME AWAY THAT SOMEONE THAT SHOWED ME MORE LOVE THAN I HAVE EVER FELT TURNED ON A DIME....IT KEPT GETTING WORSE....HE WOULD BE SO EXTREMELY HAPPY AND ATTENTIVE AND I WOULD THINK...OH GOOD HE IS BACK TO HIMSELF......THEN THE FOLLOWING DAY IT WAS A TOTAL REVERSAL AND CHANGED TO CALLING ME NAMES AND BEEN SO MEAN I WOULD CRY......THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS NOW TO DATE AND I HAD TO ACTUALLY RUN FOR MY LIFE....BUT THEN HE WOULD APOLOGIZE AND MAKE PROMISES AND I WOULD FLY BACK TO HIS STATE AND IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR ABOUT A WEEK, MAYBE TWO IF I WAS LUCKY....I RAN FROM HIM 4 TIMES AND KEPT COMING BACK.....I LOVED HIM THAT MUCH.....I WOULD PRAY THAT EACH TIME THINGS WOULD CHANGE AND THE PROMISES HE MADE HE WOULD KEEP.....IT GOT TO THE POINT WHERE I WOULD ACTUALLY GET NERVOUS WHEN IT GOT TO BE TO GOOD BECAUSE I NEW IT WOULD GET JUST AS BAD AS IT WAS GOOD....YOU ARENT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS BUT ITS TRUE....ON APRIL 1ST I WAS KICKED OUT AND ENDED UP SITTING ON A SUITCASE IN THE STREET AND HAD TO WAIT TO GET AHOLD OF SOMEONE TO COME GET ME AND I AM GONE AGAIN (5TH TIME)....IN FACT I JUST FLY BACK TODAY TO MY CHILDHOOD HOME STATE TO GET AWAY AND TO HOPEFULLY GET ON WITH MY LIFE AND KEEP HIM OUT OF IT..... I JUST GOT TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE AND TURNED ON MY COMPUTER AND TONIGHT HE HAS BEEN EMAILING ME AND BEGGING ME TO COME BACK HOME TO HIM AND HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW THAT I AM OUT OF STATE.....BUT THIS IS ONE TIME I AM GOING TO STAY STRONG.....I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE LIKE THAT ANYMORE.....MY HEART ACHES AND IT KILLS ME TO BE WITHOUT HIM.....BUT I JUST CANT DO IT ANYMORE.....LIKE THEY SAY, CRY YOURSELF A RIVER, BUILD YOURSELF A BRIDGE AND GET THE HECK OVER IT.....THATS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.....I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU TO SEE THAT IT JUST IS A VICIOUS CIRLCE AND US WOMEN DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AND LOVE.....ITS HARD I KNOW....LIKE I SAID I JUST JUMPED A PLANE THIS MORNING......I ACTUALLY FELT LIKE I MADE A MISTAKE AFTER RECEIVING HIS SWEET EMAILS.....BUT I CANT FALL FOR THAT....HES NICE BECAUSE I LEFT ONLY.....
The toughest part of this is that regardless of what advise or opinions anyone else gives you, at the end of the day only you will decide what you are going to do at any given moment and it will probably be unrehearsed and based on what you feel at the time. I've been through the same process and after 2 years of blissful pain (alternating moments) we have now been apart for 3 mths and it still hurts like hell and everyday I believe we will be together again. As much as I know I should walk away, I also know that if he calls I will crumble to his affections.
All I can share with you is what I am doing to build myself day by day. Find things that you enjoy, plan them and do them. Spend time with people that care about you and keep yourself bust when you are not with him, this way your mind stays occupied and you don't keep thinking about it all the time. You will find that the less you think about the negative things, the less of them there will be. I know it sounds crazy but it is true, your thoughts become reality so the more you worry and anticipate negative situations, the more they happen. Good luck!
I was in a situation very much like yours for four year's. He needs professional help.
The chap I was with was bipolar/manic depressive. I put more energy into this relationship than I put into two marriages. We were definately connected. He would go on and off his meds when he felt like it. The high's were great but the lows became a horror show.
It finally reached a point where after 9 year's he started to drink again, smoke pot again and
he decided he was gay not straight. If you think you can rescue someone think again. The person has to seek help himself. There is a saying, a person comes into your life for a reason.
If nothing else he taught me the lesson that I need to set boundaries.
If there are children involved put them first not yourself.
Really set yourself down and ask yourself why am I in this relationship? Be honest and don't make excuses for him. All my friend's disliked him but I did not listen to them for it was a lesson I had to learn myself.
Take Care and I wish you the very best.
Rosebud and all ,
the way I see it, and I'm speaking from experience,you should first respect yourself and at the same time allow things to evolve without pressuring towards what you want and need.This implies detachment on some level while being compassionate and loving.A very difficult balance to achieve...
Actually this is moving on,going with the flow...Mind you it is not ditching...In this process both your kids and his realize ,through your actions, that relationships are an ongoing process where both parties are responsible.
Being basically responsible and caring to yourself first while allowing the "other" and smallones understand that you are setting boundaries ,you do not let yourself be involved into a somewhat obsessive relationship .
Since he knows that he has a situation-which his blood family have been conditioned to accept-he will have to either deal with it(most propably medically) or loose you too eventually ,something that obviously has happened in the past again.
In all don't loose yourself in it which is the worst for all including your children.
Dear Rosebud and all, have a look at the situation from his side, maybe you are not what his family and all want for him. Truly if what you have with him is really special , try and put yourself in his place ,maybe he does not have a disorder, maybe he just feels intense pressure from
everyone around him and he is only human. Maybe everyone around him is giving him a hard time about you two. Give him a chance if you love him , ask him how his family really feel about you two as a couple, it truly should not matter what they feel . This is about you both ,but it start it all with truth. All other things can be worked out.
It seems you have quite a bit of advise. From a soul and psychic level you and your mister 'right' were right at one time and it went wrong. A first indication of any relationship is how much 'connection' is happening between you. If a lot then your gonads are the main receptors. In our society today we place so much of our time getting the 'high' and if we don't have it then it's not 'real'. These kind of connections are karmic, if we didn't get the feeling we wouldn't pay attention to him/her so much. We wouldn't make the effort to deal with the issues that have been left asside to deal with for some life times. Basically is comes from issues of abandonment, betrayal, loss, guilt, etc. Perhaps you have been dealing with a core issue of being independent and self reliant because you didn't take up the responsibility in past lives, i.e. you were a prostititute or an invalid. You are not in this life but the emotional hook still lives in our psychic memory until we grow out of it. In astrology you look at the north nodes in your own chart. In a relationship comparision chart you look at the aspects between pluto/saturn/moon/sun and venus between the two. Regardless Rosebud you are in an initiatory process of growing up. If you can find out your 'connection' from the past with mr so and so you can also find the key that unlocks the wisdom to the next step of your freedom to a more powerful woman, yourself. If you do not take this initiative, which is seems you must because you are looking at it now....it can be passed down to your children, for they are now part of that psychic vibration. It is a wise person who takes time to know and find out more of what they get into, but you will do this once you can walk through this experience. Good luch and many blessings to your empowerment.
Hi again, I was thinking about this and it may not be as sullen as one might think. Why don't you tell him that this relationship has plenty of time to bloom and your happy with it. Also, don't pressure him. Maybe the only way he has learned or knows how to deal w/pressure is to back off and get defensive. Pressure, I feel, will be the biggest obstacle.
This bears some similarities to my 20 year marriage. Sometimes, it turned out that he fell out of love during depressive times and did cheat. Once was forgiven, the second that I found out about was not. Caught red handed I determined that his lying face had appearred many, many times, and I assume their was plenty I did not find out about. My first love after that was also an emotionally challenged man, (different symptoms, and very open about how he came to be this way. It was a very sad tale) I elected not to go through it again. It was time for me to look after me. I recognized in myself a need to make things better for these men. Then I made a concious decision to make things better for my self. If I simply can't fall in love with someone stable, then I will remain on my own. So far, so good. I miss the extreme Highs, but without the digging into the depths of Hades it is overall a much better arrangement. There is still some hope that I will meet someone whom I can love without needing to drain myself emotionally to bolster them. If it is not in the cards however, I am fine. I've friends and family that love me always. Good luck.