Hans if you please
Hello Hans my friend. I'll try to keep this short. Here's the deal - for all of the progress that I think I've made in getting my life more centered these past months - and I know that I have made some progress as I have so many things going well, that I know simply would not be if I hadn't had the benefit of your guidance and learning to look at things in a new way.
Now, of course there is a "but....." And you saw this a while back when I asked if things with my "friend" were done. You said "no". Indeed, you were quite right, it is not done. It has simply transformed and I'm driving myself bonkers trying to sort out. Asking myself is this my ego talking or is this my heart talking and why is there such a struggle here to release it all and just let things be. If I thought it were just ego then I might explain the schizophrenia, but it's not, I feel this in my heart. You know, I appreciate that the only way real answers can be found is between the two of us, he and I, talking it out. Yet when I try to get straight answers out of him as to what he wants, it's always cryptic. I can't tell if this is a game to him? Can he not express his emotions? Is he afraid? Is it all ego-based and it simply makes him feel good knowing he's got my attention? The reality is that there is a strong bond between us that simply isn't going away. What is it going to take for this man to get to the heart of the matter and open up about his role in what goes on between us?
If I ever have the opportunity to travel to Germany again Hans, I swear I am going to find you and buy you dinner. Until then, thank you for your time and infinite patience.
my dear friend,
you are always welcome.
Asking myself is this my ego talking: no.
or is this my heart talking: no.
and why is there such a struggle here to release it all and just let things be: because you are lovers.
I can't tell if this is a game to him? No.
Can he not express his emotions? No.
Is he afraid? No.
Is it all ego-based and it simply makes him feel good knowing he's got my attention? Yes.
What is it going to take for this man to get to the heart of the matter and open up about his role in what goes on between us? He is defending just his standpoint against all demands and expectations.
If I ever have the opportunity to travel to Germany again Hans, I swear I am going to find you and buy you dinner: I promise, I will accept it.
Don't be deceived by appearances. Remember, the real
victory is inner. And don't waste your time and energy
in the non-essential. Put your energy as much as
possible into the essential, and the essential means
only one thing, it means the inner.
Real progress means the beginning of an exploration of the
Okay Hans, I'll try, but this is a tough situation for me. Maybe I should just walk away from him altogether, but as punishing as it is at times, I feel that I would be walking away from something I need to confront. A long time ago you talked to me about being able to release situations "blissfully", like a child. Or sit on the shore and watch, don't get involved. Physically walking away will not get me to that state. In fact I have physically walked away. I haven't seen him in five months. It was the prospect of seeing him yesterday that sent me back in this spiral. His suggestion to meet was completely unexpected. He said it was "spur of the moment", he just happened to be in my area. I was not available to answer my phone and so we did not meet, but what if we had, what would it have been like. We communicate often via e-mail, phone, but to actually see him...this stirs the pot up again. Part of me wonders whether he really had any reason at all to be "in the area", and if he weren't actually sitting at home calling, just making up a story to see whether I would meet him. Testing the waters as it were. Why is he defending his standpoint so firmly anyway? Does he feel that he would have to give up all in some way in order to just be open with me? Something he can't let go of himself or simply doesn't really know what he wants?
Okay then, I will try to focus all energies on the inner. I am so compulsive though, you know this about me Hans. This is going to take some work. I know, it shouldn't take any at all, I should "relax" but I don't do that very well, lol. Something in me certainly likes the battle, which is probably the bigger issue than anything to do with my friend.
Wonderful news about dinner, I shall look forward to it. Wish me continued success in my work and that could actually come to pass. I do have the powers of the universe supporting me afterall...anything is possible.
Why is he defending his standpoint so firmly anyway? Because he is reverse.
Does he feel that he would have to give up all in some way in order to just be open with me? No.
Something he can't let go of himself: yes
or simply doesn't really know what he wants? yes.
Success is also attained by those who surrender to existence.
What does that mean "he is reverse"? (You probably already knew I would ask that, lol.) I actually don't like you saying that about "succcess is also attained by those who surrender to existence" because if that's what he's doing, it means that he will do nothing, but only wait for something to happen to him to move him to a different place. If we all sat around and did nothing about anything then what would we have. Peace? Perhaps, but nothing creative happening. Sure, existence is a creation unto itself of course, but we have been given the gift to be creative with life. Doing nothing we squander that. Anyhow, sometimes I do still think that perhaps he's waiting for me to give him the push somehow, strange as that sounds to say it, I tend to feel it sometimes. Okay, so what's this "reverse" thing. I need to understand that more.
Thank you Hans.
What does that mean "he is reverse"? It means being upside down.
If we all sat around and did nothing about anything then what would we have: being drawn back, good fortune.
The rebel has no path to follow; those who follow any path are not rebels. The very spirit of rebellion needs no guidance. It is a light unto itself.
Okay, I can hear your exasperated sigh all the way across the world, but I'm going to ask it anyway, what does that mean he's upside down?
I see your point about the rebel and rebellion. I like that actually, it makes good sense. I will try to hold that thought, but I still don't get the reverse and upside down thing. I know you don't mean it in the sense of confusion, as it suggests there is some intention in his living "reversed". Or maybe you do and I read too much into it?
what does that mean he's upside down? The true quest is seeking within, not without. He must turn within. The most obvious answer to a problem may be the simplest, but it is rarely the best.
To give without intent is worse than giving too much or too little. Forgetting about one love will allow his heart to open to someone else.
Or maybe you do and I read too much into it? Yes, certainly.
Your mind is in such a state of confusion that it is impossible to remain in the middle.
Well that's right Hans, my mind is often in a state of confusion, that's why I need you from time to time to help me sort myself out and get back in the middle...if only for a moment.
I see what you are saying. I'm going to think on this, and, as so often is the case, thinking on your words puts that illusion of "surrendering to existence" into play because I'm not taking any action until I'm done with my "thinking". It creates a space for existence to get it's foot back in the door for a minute, until I go and decide to start taking actions again, lol.
I love that thought about "the most obvious answer to a problem may be the simplest, but it is rarely the best". That's along the lines of one area that I've really had fun exploring thanks to you. Whenever challenges arise anymore (and there is always something cropping up somewhere) I do operate with much more consciousness of what my initial reaction is, and then I consider a different approach. If my first reaction is anger, what happens if I am not angry and I take a peaceful approach? If my first reaction is to simply accept, what happens if I push back a little and question instead? We do so often respond based on what we anticipate will be the consequences because we are looking for the predictable. I see that now. Good or bad we do operate with the predictable in mind. So when the opportunity arises I am trying to react in a way that allows the unpredictable a chance to occur.... I suppose this is my version of taking those baby-steps towards "surrendering to existence". You see how I am, I can't trust (i.e. surrender) to a process until I've thoroughly tested it first, lol. But at least I keep doing the work and occasionally finding the middle. Like a pendulum.
a journey to the infinite begins with one step, even a baby-step, and your steps are precious steps in the right direction, and the first steps are the most difficult ones, so do not worry.
And then the "I" will let the mind drop and the methods too.
Thank you Hans for your comforting words. I very much appreciate you for that.
a centipede with one hundred feet was passing by when
a rabbit saw him and became very curious and puzzled
also. He stopped the centipede and said, "Please tell
me, how do you manage to move with these one hundred
feet? How do you synchronize them? Which one do you put
forward first and which one follows? It is most
baffling to me. How do you manage all of them?"
Until this moment the centipede had never even given
a thought to his one hundred feet. He had been just
moving. He had never thought of this matter, but when
the rabbit asked him, he himself looked at his one
hundred feet and became confused. He said, "My God! I
have never thought about this before. But now, since
you have asked me the question, I will think it over, I
will observe and experiment with it, then I will inform
But after this he became so conscious of his one
hundred feet that he could not move and he fell down.
Such a small body with one hundred feet and with such a
small mind -- how was he to manage them all? He said,
"You silly rabbit! You have created a problem for me.
Now I will never be able to move. Now I have become
conscious of the question: how to synchronize the
hundred feet? This question had not bothered me
Have you noticed that all the minor things become a
problem if you start thinking about them? You can try
this: for seven days, whenever you eat food, start
thinking how you digest it. Scientists say that it is
quite a miracle. The food goes in, gets absorbed and
becomes blood and bones, flesh and marrow, and all the
fine nerves of the brain -- thoughts and desires. And
all this gets transformed in the small factory of the
stomach. How? Well, if you think it over for seven days
you will get indigestion and you will never be healthy
again. If you experiment like this the stomach will be
out of order. Like the centipede, you will also start