Friends with Benefits
Getting back into the dating world after being married for 15 years has surely been an eye opener for me. How about you? I did not know that such relationships like "friends with benefits" were common. I thought I would be going back out into a world of dating...now it is let's be friends, and share sex, but don't expect he or she to be there for you in any other capacity. What exactly does friends with benefits mean? My experience has taught me that it is hard to have both without an open mind. Jealousy and cheating don't exist, you are just "friends with benefits".... If you start out the relationship with the benefits and then work on the friends part the mystery is gone. If you start out the relationship with the friends part and then the benefits the mystery remains..... How many of you have had a successful friends with benefits relationship? How do you make it lasting? What should the expectations be? My experience has been a full disclosure type of FWB relationship. In other words, he or she is your main squeeze (guess this dates me) but you are both allowed to have intimacy with another. There is no say so on who you can see, who you can be intimate with, but (and here is the big one) you must tell your FWB if you have intimacy with another. Reasoning being that no secrets are being kept from your FWB, and you can openly talk about other relationships. Do you find a FWB relationship satisfying? Is it enough for you and or him? What happens when you fall in love with this person? How many of you have had more than one FWB relationship at a time? How can you leave your feelings out of the equation? How do you deal with the lonliness? How do you deal with the last minute expectations? What rules do you live by? What is your definition of a long term relationship? and why do men or women see that as a ball and chain type of relationship? If you have been in a FWB relationship for over two years isn't that a long term relationship. As I get older and see that times have changed in the dating world, I am awed by the lack of respect we give to our partners. Should you tell your FWB if you stepped outside of the box you put yourself into and had a fling with another? Is it the FWB's right to know, especially if there is no commitment? How many of you are frustrated by dating after the age of 50? How many of you just give up? I have thought long and hard about writing a book using the terms of the new regime.....FWB, LTR, NSA.....all new to me and all daunting. I am considered an attractive woman to men, funny, blonde, passionate about life, have some health issues but I don't seem to attract men who want or need a long term relationship. It is easier to put a woman or a man for that matter on a lower pedestal, after all, these times are economically hard, we have to work to keep what we have, we have no time for "real" relationships....how many of you run into this? Just curious..........
Idesofmarchbaby... all your questions are legitimate ones... I'm guessing you might be older than me and I've never been married so perhaps I'm not the best one to reply here...
also I don't know what LTR or NSA means... is it long-term relationship and no strings attached?
I personally not good at the FWB kind of relationship because I do want something long term... I'm not saying I've never had a fling or a FWB but I cut my losses quickly and don't put any effort on that relationship IF I don't have feelings for that person...
It has been my experience before that IF i really like that person very much and from the beginning that I met him my idea was something long term, then I will develop feelings and if the agreement was only to be FWB then I will get hurt... so NO I don't get into those situations anymore...
It is true that time is limited for everyone nowadays so I rather have an evening with myself than to be with someone I don't really like for long-term...
I would think that if I were older and divorced I would know better what I want in a partner and definitely I would not settle until I find someone I can trust and who wants the same things as I do...
I do think you can find someone that wants the same thing as you do... so have fun but talk openly and if that person has no interest in sharing/having feelings with someone then just one- two dates and move along...
If you know yourself very well it's easier to know what you can live with or without and/or put up with...
I recently met a man who wants to date and a relationship, but wants NO more kids (he already has two girls that live with him)... and I DO want to have my own kids... I also told him I still had feeling for my ex and I was trying to sort those things out... so we decided to be friends/relationship, keep seeing each other exclusively and if I met someone else that can give me what I want (the kids and marriage) then I'll tell him and I will get to know the other person...
although I think I'll stop seeing him because I have limited time and what's the point? he's very nice and open, honest and genuine in everything, I do like him, he knows how to cook, loyal, family oriented, has friends forever, etc etc, but we want different things in life...
Anyway I hope other people here jump in and give their opinions for you, cheers and good luck!!
My two cents:
You're hanging around the wrong people. I doubt these guys have even been in a FWB relationship but now it's "hip" to get into it or talk as if it's possible. I don't care what anyone says if you share significant amounts of "energy" on a person you will get tied up in that person's life. That goes for males and females. There will be jealousy and suspicion and hurt feelings regardless.
Men act like they can have sex w/o emotional attachments but what they really want is a loving caring relationship with another person - just not with YOU. They just want sex until that perfect person comes along. From what I've heard (and read here) about FWBs, that person always comes along eventually and then what happens to you? Door slammed in face. Get out, go find someone else. Not a good feeling for someone to toss you away like a piece of trash . . . a used piece of trash. What kind of "friend" is that? Call it what it is - uncompensated prostitution. With so many people not practicing safe sex, I don't know how anyone could be in this type of relationship and also not have the right to ask what you're doing with other people. Forget about openness. People in these relationships are on the "don't ask don't tell" plan as to what type of sex they're having and with how many people. Guys especially won't tell a girl he's really into that he even has or had a FWB. I doubt anyone gets tested regularly.
I'm not 50 or over, so I don't know why the men in your group feel this way. I would think they would be into traditional relationships. From my experience so far, guys in their 30s want to jump into or accelerate a relationship when I don't want to - but they still want the relationship and the exclusivity of it. Maybe after someone's been divorced they're too afraid to love the same way again? Still LTRs should be an option for you even if it doesn't result in another marriage.
IMO, a poor economy doesn't encourage FWBs. I know more people getting married, moving in together, etc . . than people having short lived affairs<--- that's more expensive since the person still wants to go out, look nice, smell nice. If you live together you get to share everything: deodorant, soap, toothpaste . . . at least on the days either of you feel like using them. LOL
**** = s e x
Probably knew that but I didn't want anyone to think I was cursing
"How many of you are frustrated by dating after the age of 50? How many of you just give up? I "
Date yourself first and see if you really need someone by your side. some people don't but don't know it until they give it deeper thought.
You get what you put out, your energies are not a good representation of you. Be yourself when you meet men.
Friends with Benefits it is unhealthy relationship which will fail anyway…. usually those who want such relationships are emotionally unavailable.... they take your energy out and let you guess about yourself.....who you are? what do you want? and you realized then that you do not want such kind of relationship at all …but then will have difficulties to find a normal partnership after such experiences … as important part in this relationship is missing such as trust and respect to each other…
To avoid to be friend with benefits: no matter what connections exist between two of you from the beginning: do not involved in love making (sex making) until you can trust the man/girl.... it usually takes time to know each other... and if you looking for healthy relationship and feel that something is not good and going wrong ... than trust yourself at this point... it is usually very good indication for you to be out without too much heart breaking ....
I personally think we should not generalize... it's best to know your limits and also if you are lucky to meet someone who is honest and know themselves, then like adults you can talk about your limits, your needs and your expectations... it all depends on the people involve...
especially if you or someone else have been through a bad experience then it will take time to make full strength commitment...
what are you looking for in a relationship/friendship or in your personal life? what is it you want right now?
I hope this finds you well today and gives you some insight. I am in my early 30's and divorced 1 1/2 years ago after 13 years of marriage. Needless to say, I was just as boggled as you. The following article was a great help for me and now a practice. Many will disagree with this approach, but it has worked well for me. Now it doesn't really tap into your FWB question~and with that I can say, I have them. I disclose nothing about the rest of my life unless they ask. At that point I tell them what they want to know and I let them know what my emotional bounderies are with them.
When it comes to dating, some of us think the best way to do things is to date just one man at a time, and focus all our efforts to make that relationship work. Some of us think the less "clutter" we have in our lives, the more success we'll enjoy. That's definitely fine, and it does seem to make sense. I've met women who met a great guy, dated him exclusively, ended up marrying him, and now live happy, fulfilling lives. But unfortunately, for most of us, the "one-man" aproach doesn't work too well. Most often, the relationship starts out great, but steadily gets less and less interesting, until a series of faults and misunderstandings result in a break-up. (I've been there countless times!) What's worse, the "one-man" approach tends to make us jaded as more of our relationships don't work out. As a result, our chances of actually getting
into a happy relationship gets lower and lower! My conclusion is this -- while the "one-man" approach works for some women, it's mostly a game of luck. After all, 90% of the single men out there are either unable or unwilling (or both) to handle a serious relationship. Which means if you date only one man at a time, you only have a 10% chance of finding the perfect guy. And that's pretty sad. That's why many of my articles and e-books focus on drastic, radical, out-of-this-world approaches to the dating game and relationships. I'm not really wild about things that SEEM to make sense. I'm a fan of the things that actually WORK! For one thing, I've realized that sometimes, NOT focusing on your love life can actually IMPROVE it. That's right -- sometimes, a relationship gets better the LESS you try to make it work! Here's an example -- let's say you're dating a great new guy. He's young, he's talented, and he's got a lot of cute quirks that turn you on. The only problem is that he's not too hot about getting married just yet.
Now let's say you tried to nudge him along by talking about marriage often, giving him gifts, doing him favors, and basically trying to show him that you're the perfect woman for him. What happens? In my experience, all this work actually makes the relationship END faster. Why? Simply because it puts the poor guy under a lot of pressure. It's basically forcing him to do something he's not ready and/or willing to do. So what does he do? Naturally, he runs
away. He does whatever he can to get away from the pressure. I hope you now see what I mean when I say "NOT focusing on your love life can actually improve it!" Let me say this -- for the better men out there, the most attractive woman is the one who's good at ALL aspects of their lives, and not just with the romance part. They like women who also have fulfilling, evolving careers. They like women with thriving personal and social lives. They like women who are all that -- ON TOP OF being a great, romantic, sensual girlfriend! And there's only one way to become just that -- by boosting your confidence. My Little Experiment With Confidence
I love improving my confidence. And I love the dating game. So some years ago, I decided to put two of my favorite things into an experiment I did with my dating life. It's common knowledge that the more people you meet, the more confident you become in dealing with strangers. Consequently, I wondered if dating more than just one man at a time would increase my chances in finding the perfect guy. So I went ahead and tried dating two, three, four, and even five men in rotation. I didn't have any serious relationships with any of them -- just
casual dating. When I felt like going on an errand, or having dinner out, or checking out a new
mall on the other side of town, I'd always have one of them available to come along with me. The experiment was a huge success -- I had a TERRIFIC time! When it didn't work out with one of the guys (our personalities clashed, he was too flaky, he turned out to be gay, etc.), I didn't get bummed out like I normally would if I took a "one-man" approach. There were one, two, three, even four guys still in my rotation! But that's not the best part. The best thing about my experiment was that I got exposed to different men all at once. Different personalities, different
lifestyles, different beliefs, etc. The longer I did the experiment, the more confident I became when meeting new men! And as you should know by now, confidence is a LOT sexier than looks in the dating game! On a side note, later on, I found that casually dating three men in rotation is the best balance when you're out to boost your confidence. Two can get boring (and choosing can be difficult), while four or five is a bit too much to handle. So if you'd like to try out this confidence-boosting experiment yourself, start with three men. If you meet a guy who's even better than the three you're dating already, feel free to drop the one you like the least.
That way you keep dating better and better men, until eventually you find the perfect guy. I don't know about you, but this "rotation" approach works better, and is DEFINITELY more fun, than the "one-man" approach!
Thank you to share of your approach and....
I like your approach of dating men... but after all of these incredible dating experiments ....Do you finally find Number ONE? Or it is just dating games then there will be no place for deep feeling and connections..
At the beginning it is just dating and not a FWB, it is after the year of dating the same guy/girl you can tell about who you are...real friend or FWB.... I think, but I might be wrong... the good relationship is the willing of both in the party to look at the same direction...
"Do you finally find Number One" I can't answer that question yet. I have found several great ones though. Those great ones are still around in my life and for the last 6 months I have had the same 3. I know it might sound awful~but I know that I am not ready for a full on commitment just being single for the last year and a half. The men I have have great potential to become more. I have an understanding with them that I am not exclusive with them and I do have other "friends". And yes, all 3 of them I consider FWB's.
"Or it is just dating games then there will be no place for deep feeling and connections.." Feelings and connections happen. This is just being human. I (being an Aqua) am able to handle this very well. I also make it very clear to my FWB's of the unsure future we may have. We agree that nobody knows who can walk into either of our lives at any given moment.
And as far as being able to tell who I am and if that person is a real friend or "just" an FWB.....I am open about every part of my life with all of them. This is a choice I made. They as well have made the same choice. This is what has bound us as real friends. Not all FWB's can be like this. But I have just chosen to keep my feelings for that particular person private to me. I don't want to lead a man on to expect me to be his woman. And I don't want him to not look for what he wants because he feels bound to me.
I am actually going through a situation now where one of them has meet another woman and is confused about how he feels for me and if he should explore a relationship with her. He has been very candid with his emotions where I have not. As much as I have come to care deeply for him, I feel I can not now choose to keep him. I sense he should explore what he feels is attraction to this other woman and later see if what he feels for me is real or a "caught up in the moment" thing. Some may see this as un-necessary drama, but when you are looking for love and have already been divorced; I, myself feel it necessary.
In the end, only you know what you are comfortable with. I can say that I have found many positives and am sure through the process I will find my TRUE love.
thank you for your reply, I also aqua and been through divorces as well and ... I am emotionally unavailable most of the time: that is a reason why FWB happend to me I think....
After all I do not want to be FWB and I do not want to have FWB....As it applys to take advantage of somebody and I do not like it... But may be again I am wrong as all human relationsip can look like taking advantage after all... especially when love making involved....
Yes, I am honest with man whom I date but in the past I found a lot of misunderstanding, manipulations, power struggle and fear in the relationship that suddenly move me/him in position of FWB... I do not like that word FWB at all... Also I caught myself be untrue to myself in such relationship...