Clarity Needed re: Relationship Please

  • Greetings... first time here on the forums, but long-time member. I would GREATLY appreciate any clarity on a issue that is very unclear to me. Long story short... I've been in an on-again off again relationship with someone I truly love. It is now long distance. He and I are two states apart (both in our 40's, just FYI). No problem to fly to see each other. On my last visit two weeks ago, he poured his heart out and asked me to move there and said he would wait as long as he had to, I just needed to make the commitment. I told him I would do what I needed to here to prepare for a move (I have a college age son to take care of and make arrangements for, etc.). I was ELATED upon my return home. He, on the other hand seems to have completely cooled off. He's not the kind of person to say things he doesn't mean. My gut is telling me that he's having doubts. Kind of crushing. However, I could be 'off' (I have been in the past.) Any insight would be appreciated so much. Thank you.

  • Why do you have to be the one to move? I wouldn't make any plans until you are sure this guy is for real. I feel he can blow very hot and cold. It is really worth throwing in your life where you are for an off-again, on-again relationship?

  • To clarify, I should say that he and I have been friends for a long time. There has always been a deeper chemistry. He finally acted on it this past year and told me he loved me, but had moved to Vegas for his business. 'On again, off again' wasn't the right choice of words. We have slowly and steadily been gaining momentum. I have a son who is now in college and will make sure he has 'roots' at home here. The decks will be clear here for a move next fall and I am willing to put myself out there. I'm 47 and beyond ready for the love of my life. Not desperate... I am well thought out. Just 'ready'.

    We've been through this once before, but I was the one to run cold (out of fear of commitment... over that now). Perhaps it's his turn now. I haven't asked him what's going on. I wanted to allow him a little space to work things out. If he chooses for me not to move, etc. so be it. The waiting is NOT fun. I just thought I'd ask for some clarity... and am still open to it if what Ive shared helps to make things a little clearer on this end.

    Thank you, Captain. So very much appreciated.


  • Can you give me both your birthdates? Maybe there is a good reason behind why you both have had cold feet.

  • My birthdate: 6/17/63, his is: 11/6/65.

    Thank you kindly.

  • Transformation is taking place in this relationship. The end has come for this union.

    This ending will create more space for an important person arriving in your life. You have the courage and the understanding to get through this.

    Endings are hard on us humans, we don't like change, we prefer to cling to what we know. Better the devil you know type of thing.

    You will meet someone who is sure of themselves and has inner strength much like yourself, they will honour your strength, passion for life, and vivaciousness, instead of being intimidated by it.

    Blessings xoxo

  • Thank you, Gypsy. I've waited 47 years for this important person to appear in my life. I hope they make an appearance soon. I am ready to love 100 percent and would love a partner that embraces life with the same passion that I do. I've sacrificed relationships to raise my son, assist my community and work hard. I'm now ready to love just as hard as I've worked over the years.

    Thanks again,


  • Your relationship is best for friendship, worst for love. The big question in this relationship is - how deep with intimacy go? You both have different ideas of closeness and each will try to make the other conform to his or her own style. Your friend's preference for removing the veils of his inner self slowly won't fly with you and you'll want to jump into the fray of your activities and create closeness that way. By the very nature of the relationship, and through its involvement in the issue of intimacy, you two often become locked in together, making quite a tight pair. You may find this a little uncomfortable, however. You are an explorer from the word 'go', but should you set your sights on the undiscovered depths of your friend's personality, you may find more than you bargained for - and in any case your friend is not interested in being 'explored'. He likes to do the digging into other people's psyches and lives, not vice versa.

    Initially passionate, this love affair may soon prove unsatisfying. Your friend may want to please you but it may be months or even years before he trusts you enough to admit you to his private world. Whenever he pulls back from you, it is a sign that he is not yet ready to give his complete trust. You generally want things to move faster and could feel rejected or unloved in this relationship, despite its sensual gratification. There is a also a danger here if the relationship moves to marriage, that you two can become isolated in your own little world, cutting yourselves off from normal human contact and losing your place in your family or social structure. This may work fine in good times but, in times of difficulty, the presence of a support group will be sorely missed, particularly if children are involved.

    You are attracted to this man because of his mystery. Once solved, you would quickly grow bored and would soon be off looking for the next 'adventure' in love. But the person you have been looking for and trying to solve for 47 years is yourself. No other person can complete you like you can yourself. You have to like and love yourself, and then you won't be so desperate for companionship to fill the hole in your soul that self-belief and self-approval can fill. And loving yourself involves doing the things that you know deep down you should be doing and achieving. You are here to learn that negotiation and persuasion are a far better methods to sway others to your point of view than domination or forcefulness. If you can control your tendency to emotional outbursts and release your need to be the boss, you can become a brilliant negotiator and insightful observer - the sort of person who can make any case you wish to present unbeatable. Networking is your true talent and others will be more receptive to you if you soften your approach, and thus the quality of your relationships and life will improve dramatically.

  • Captain... thanks so much for taking the time to give such lengthy and in depth insight. I take all into consideration as this relationship either proceeds, or ends. Either way, I'm thankful to have had this man in my life and adore his friendship. Whether or not he delivers on his promises, only time will tell.

    I do indeed embrace and love who I am in this world (in a healthy, non-narcissitic way) . Much of my developing 'self-love' has come through loving and helping others t;hroughout the years.

    He and I are both in very social positions... to isolate away from others would be detrimental to our livelihood.

    He has peeled away many layers for me to see over the years within our friendship. We both do this dance when 'too much' has been revealed and we feel vulnerable. He's taking his turn hiding at present. I have been the heal-dragger over much of the relationship.

    I will wait for him to work his way through it and we'll go on from there, or we won't. One thing that has been made clear is that regardless as to whether we are together in the long-run, I love who he is and am thankful for the time we've had together.

    THANK YOU again for the insight... it's seemed to shake loose some 'love logic' and help me to put things into perspective... and for that I am grateful.


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