THE CAPTAIN: Your insight please

  • My DOB: 05 Feb 1971 Time 02h00: Durban South Africa

    Him: 04 Sept 1970 Time unknown: Pietermaritzburg South Africa

    Known him since we were 11yrs old. Liked him a lot when we were 18 but thought he was not into me. Moved on dated, got married. Only later I heard how much he had liked me but was waiting for right time since we were studying. Re-connected in 2004 but remained distant friends. Met April 2010, since then its been ****. Attraction earth shattering magnetic, intense, lots said but lots unspoken too, he is still single and is an all or nothing guy. Even refers to my children as his. Told me all details of relationships and how they ended. Ended writing to him telling how I had loved him and still do and really was finding it hard to function with him around esp since I'm married. He responded by e-mail, one liner, promised to reply, now has gone all quite, been a month and I am dying inside. we have never even kissed..... I have never felt this extent with my husband nor any other man..... Will we ever talk or be anything beyond my letter, I'm scared. My marriage has had lots of problems (husbands's multiple infidelities) but ok now....PLS HELP!!!!

    Was he ever attracted/in love to me?

    What stopped him from telling me then?

    What happening now?

    Why the comments he has been making? "u r my family whether you like it or not"

    What is going on with him at the moment?

    Will we ever be romantically involved in this lifetime?

    What is my best way forward in order to function and let go of my feelings?

    Husband DOB: 08 March 1967, Time unknown: Harrismith South Africa: I suddenly feel I've put too much into the marriage and he has not tried enough.

  • You and your old love - This can be a loving relationship with a marked idealism, but it also has its difficulties. Inherent differences in your characters can draw a lot of criticism, especially from your friend himself and outsiders; each of you will show a tendency - especially in an intimate relationship - to attack each other. There is some instability here. You Felemo like a trouble-free life which means you have to feel free to go your own way. Your friend may have other ideas, but every time he raises an objection or expresses a disagreement, he is made to feel as if he is rocking the boat. After a while he may just give up, while holding onto his resentment and frustration. The point is that he is not really built for just going with the flow - he thrives on challenge, problems and difficulties. And herein lies your biggest difference of character. If you disapprove of your friend's approach, he will feel disempowered. There is warmth and sympathy in a love affair here and together you present a solid and mutually supportive front. You Felemo are often the initiator of a romantic relationship between you, and your friend will have no objection to being so sought after. This is no guarantee however that he will open up to you once he is 'caught'. One immediate problem arises when friends and family members make comparisons between you; it is usually your friend who will be found lacking. Once his pride is wounded, it may be difficult or even impossible for you to get through to him again. Marriage can work well enough for a while, with your friend's good taste, wit and discrimination offsetting your more youthful and enthusiastic approach. He grounds you - whether that becomes too much earthiness and practicality for you, only time, compromise and hard work will tell. A mutual coolness can emerge as one of this relationship's chief characteristics and this may grow into a deep reserve later. As a couple, you two will present a polished and serene face to the world that hides all sorts of underlying psychological problems unless you two scale back disapproving attitudes and not take to heart what others say about you.

    You and your husband: The focus of this relationship is each partner's responsiveness to the other's needs. But although you two may be quite aware of what each of you needs, you are not always sure of what you want. The result is that you have difficulty making strong, sensible decisions and definite choices. This problem may be related to a certain lack of desire in the relationship. Neither of you has a lot of objections to most of your shared activities, but neither has much yearning for them either. Thus you can live or work together in quite a satisfied state for years without ever really making strong demands on each other, or on your relationship. Although a general happiness should not be sneered at, in this case there is the feeling that something vital is missing. A love affair can be affectionate in some respects and quite cool in others, but it is rarely passionate. It can last for years without having to face a serious crisis. Marriage too can be mutually satisfying but also somewhat uneventful or even downright dull. Any children you might have will benefit from the marriage's stability but might find it a bit uninspiring. Either partner may look elsewhere to find the passion and excitement that is missing. You both need to dig deeper to find out what it is you really want. It may not even be a person - it might be a need for freedom or to express yourself creatively or have a career. Either liven up your marriage or leave to follow your heart's desire.

  • Thank you very much Captain, that is a clear insight. I agree more with what you read between myself and my husband. Its a situation which is very comfortable but no affection between us, we are just numb. I did speak to him about my unhapiness and that I feel we were just compromising. For someone who has had several affairs, when he stopped I expected him to come back fully into the marriage, work hard to win me back, so far it seems as if I had been the only one trying, even went to counselling on my own. I am now exhausted, to me it seems like he got tired of his endevours and has now retired and I should be with him in his retirement state. With the intensity experience of the other guy, I know of my capabilities and would like to be in a relationship which I can feel.

    Deep down I feel as if even if it was not for the other guy, I have reached a stage where I want to dictate what kind of relationship I want, if my husband is willing to work on himself, I am in, if not its time for change.

    Question: Other guy: Your insight on people dissaproving of our relationship, are you saying this because you forsee something ahead there? Has he ever felt something for me cause if not it would be embarrasing since I have told him about my feelings. Why then has he told people about it and the messages to me? Is he going to initiate contact going forward or it will be by co_incidence? Is it time I let go, I just need closure.......(what is going on in the now?)

  • Don't expect your relationship with the other guy to be easy. You might just be swapping boredom for upset. He probably won't be the one to initiate anything with you - you would have to start it - but his ego does enjoy your love and attention. He is more of a taker than a giver.

Log in to reply