Broken to what seems beyond repair
Cool Beans, real people with real advice... i read a lot of the topic's and the post to them.... hmmm where to start... Ok well, every day i cry, sooo much, my eyes stay puffy. i have a boyfriend of three years, and i know he isn't what i want, and i dont see a happy life with him. i met him after finally getting my life back together for the umpteenth time. i have had the worst life, and i'm not exaggerating.
from being poor (dirt poor), parent's divorced, sexually abused, verbally abused, drug addicted father, ditched by my mother (she kept the kids she liked i guess. i was only 9 so it aint like she couldnt deal with me, save that part for later), moved every time we turned around, teen pregnancy, depression, anxiety, postpartum depression (never has been dealt with), alcohol and drug abuse, and everyone i have ever trusted has hurt and betrayed me.
i'm the definition of damaged.
to be honest, i wasnt the best mom to my first child, i didnt abuse him by any means, but i was 15 and had no clue on how to be a mother, he also only weighed under 2 pounds, he lived by a thread for 3 years. his father got custody after he was better. i didnt act as a mother should i guess, and to this day it haunts me and i dont understand. i spoiled him rotten, but i was numb, it's hard to explain, but i guess i should have had more emotions.. this has haunted me for a long time.
my father also passed right before i got pregnant with him.
the relationship problems were mine, i wasnt ready for any thing that was happening, and pushed him away, and he has been married since about a year after we broke up ( he is a cancer), and has the perfect family, and i am too jealous of right now.
i had my second child at 19, i did every thing different, i was better at the mom thing this time around, her father abused me, i called the police, 5 months later children services said i had to leave him or they will take her from me... and if any one has been in a controlling abusive relationship, u know how hard it is to "get away". i had plans, and was going to go thru with them, i just needed time, i had no where to go and no money at the time ( he got me fired from my job)
people didnt want me around, because he would cause havock. so i asked my aunt to watch my daughter for the rest of the weekend and on to the middle part of the week, since there was a no contact order, she couldnt be around me and him at the same time.
my aunt said she would watch her no problem, i was just waiting for the rest of the 6 days to get my tax return, and i swear i was taking the money, my daughter, and starting over, away from everything, and making a fresh start... she came up with this idea to have me sign a paper for her to have some kind of temporary rights, just in case something happened to her or me, that there wouldnt be any "problems" she said.
well monday morning came, and i was served with papers and was told i no longer had rights over my daughter and was to not make any contact, my aunt contacted CSD and told them i ditched my kid on her, she is psycho and thinks she lives in "days of our lives" and im not even kidding
they set up a ton of hoops, and with each one i jumped thru, i was lied to, they said do this, u will get that, so i did what they asked of me, but still i wasnt gaining any grounds on getting her back, and all i had was a year to do everything they asked of me... and with each thing i did, i had more rights to her, well thats what they told me at least...
so with every hurdle, i got more and more discouraged, and ended up using meth, and it made everything worse but better at the same time.... i got clean and only used for a little over a month... then went right back to doing what they told me, when the year was up, they told me that if i decided to go to court, they would make sure they would terminate my parental rights as a mother period, that if i decided to have another kid someday, they would be there when it was born to take it away, they said the only way to avoid this was to sign my parental rights to just her away
i believed him, since my daughters lawyer was the judge in the little town i lived in 12 miles from the city courts, he was on children services side, and he hasnt like me since i was young, so i did what they told me to do... and i still have a copy of that letter to this day, where i signed off my daughter, but during this whole thing, i still had rights to my son, and i could get him whenever i wanted... it didnt make sense to me, i feel like my aunt paid them people off
needless to say, i got back on meth, found another guy, omg talk about literally crazy, he heard voices, did drugs and was a paranoid schizophrenic, literally... he abused me real bad, and so i got even worse into drugs, and used thru IV... he kidnapped me, and most days there was a gun to my head, and i was repeatdly abused to the point of near death, from being stabbed, pushed out of a moving vehicle, choked, drowned in the tub, what ever he could do he did... when he was arrested for some thing ( i honestly dont know what), i sold what i could and moved as far away as possible, with nothing but a bag of clothes and a few pictures (he destroyed all my pics of my father, kids and family)
before i left though (my bus ticket was a week out) i had unprotected sex with a guy that i had a good weekend with, we just met, but he made me feel like i needed to
so here i am, all the way across the US, and got a job the first day there, and things were good, i was clean, working, and safe.
welp, i was pregnant too
she was born sooo small, and had devastating life threatening disease, i worked from 5 pm to 8 am everyday, and then cared for her as a nurse would when i wasnt working, she had feeding tubes, IV's and liver failure
she got better, and i remained single that whole time, i learned to trust people again, (3 years later) and finally had friends, this man i call my best friend was always there, and helped me with her since she was a year, we were close but nothing sexual, just friends
when i met his brother, i fell head over heals, i trusted him automatically, despite his doings, at that time, i actually like the fact that he was treating the soon to be mother of his child so well, they were together 6 years, and became pregnant after they broke up, and decided to stay that way
so i was never jealous of that at all, i admired it
we got into a tiny little argument over something trivial, and i hung up on him, and i never called him, he never called me back
i thought about him everyday, and cried a lot, i missed him and knew he was the one for me
8 months later we got back in touch, the night of my birthday, right after i wished upon a star that i could be with him again, he called me right after that, it was weird, but it made it seem so much more like destiny, his friend that stopped by to see me on my birthday gave him my number when he left and ran into him
after that, not one day passed that we didnt see eachother or talk, and it seemed like we never even missed a beat
things we very hard on me, and so i moved with my real mom half way across the united states, i was living in a very high crime rate area and was getting my car stolen and having money stolen regularly, ( not such good friends) and after i walked next door and had a gun put to my head because i interrupted the robbery, and he tried to force me in the house, i got out of his grip, and decided then i had to get out of there, my only option, my moms
it hurt me so bad to move away from him, and i cursed myself daily for it
but we decided we were going to do the long distance thing, and made promises to each other to do right and accomplish things, that way us being apart was for a reason
i got into college, and was doing everything right, we talked all the time, every day...
he ended up getting involved with a girl, and i found out when i called him one morning and she answered my cell phone ( i left it for him so we could talk, minutes were unlimited, and i paid the bill every month)
then he got mad at me!!! i begged for him to not do this to me, and he just dogged me out right along with her, like if i call he would have me on speaker phone and they would say hurtful things
i stopped calling after a couple times of dealing with that
i spiraled right back down, i felt like nobody again, and my life is just plain shitty
well, she wasnt what he expected i guess, she tried to control him
and so they ended it, and we got back together ( it was only 2 weeks if that after i found out about them that they broke up)
there is so much rage, and pain, and no understanding between either of us, we fought for ever, mainly about the fact that he got the girl pregnant, i didnt find that out until 2 months after we got back together, and it hurt so bad because, we were together for 2 years, and right before i moved is when we had unprotected sex for the first time, that was our moment of 100% trust with eacthother, and it was beautiful
it hurt so bad because he did it raw with her in a matter of just a few months, gggrrrr i cant even explain what that caused me to feel
my point (about time right???) we are together, and holding on to dear life, i dont know if i drove him into the hateful man that he is now, or if this is just him emerging... but everyday i cry over the hateful things he says, and now i am an angry person, and not all my anger is directed to him, i moved back once to be with him and work things out, but that was a waste of 5000 dollars and 3 months, he never came home, his excuse was that i was driving him crazy... i feel like maybe i wouldnt be so insecure if he would just act sorry, and do things to help me get thru this, like not have so many females in his life, some are fine, but if he didnt have a previous friendship with them, then i didnt see the need, and yes, i was a royal bitch to him and flipped on everything
he did do what i needed in the beginning, but maybe i am being to crazy and pushed him to not care much, pushed him to the point where he dont want to even try... but i know that he isnt cheating, and he has tried...
i cant stop with my obsessiveness over what he did, i think about it daily, more then just a few times, and everything reminds me of it... i dont understand what i did wrong to make him go stray, or why i am even trying to make an excuse for his actions....
i accept what he did, i really do, and i understand in a sense...
but i cant get over it, and i am always so mean to him too, then blame him when he dont want to talk... i dont know if its cause he didnt give me enough time, and told me i need to stop with the past, and let him be the man he wants to be to me... im am so confused,
i dont want to start over again, and there have been many potential guys during the past year... but i want him, i love him, and mostly i trust him with my daughter... i miss the old us, now all we do is yell and scream, either he makes me cry, or i push him to the point to where he says stuff to hurt me.... its like if one of us is happy, the other does everything they can to bring them down... im guilty of it as well, when he is nice, i am so mean... i need advise on getting the me back again, or the me i was supposed to be and never had the chance to be... with him, my life got better, i felt better, i felt strong, i felt validated as a human with him, and he has givin me so much, then he took it all away.... i just need to know, what can i do for me, like i am depressed again, and so i stay couped up, never do anything but homework and sit to either browse the internet, or watch tv, im slipping on being a mother again, like i dote on her sooo much, and give her what she needs, spoil the crap out of her, she is so happy when she see's me.... but when i get mad, or cry, she tells me no mommy sad, no mommy mad, mommy happy with the most brightest smile on her face, she is so innocent, and so pure, and im afraid that i will take that away her with my depression... i need help, but i dont know or have any one to turn to.. i need ideas, and support, but dont know where to start... sorry this is so long, but after reading what has been posted by others, that information is needed to give good advise... sorry peeps that it is a novel
somewhere along the way, you have to find yourself- you know what i mean- as in you are NOT angry, mean, etc. You REACT to circumstances which admittedly have been drastic. Can you get your willpower to emerge whole again, and not substance abuse just for kicks everytime life gives a blow? cause, all seen and done, YOU ARE STILL TOOOOOO< TOOOOO PRECIOUS ,and everytime you change tracks to bring sanity to your life, actually this is what you seek. So, why give it up for people who dont care for a longer run ? if you want to be sweet be so without the fear that the next time he may down you ! C'mon, life's too short for squabbles.
Sorry, it sounds preachy, thats not what i want- believe in yourself- listen to music, dance, sculpt, travel small, - do something to get you out of your home! ! Take a grip, you cant commit the same mistake again,
i feel so sorry for the rotten life you were given and i see some aspects of my own life in yours. You need some good councilling which i know costs an arm and a leg but at the very least, an anti-depressant to help your mind calm down. If you don't find a way to take hold of your hurt and pain you will most certainly pass this on to your daughter and the circle will never end. Like me, you need a big strong hug, you need to feel protected and secure and like me it just ain't happening. After 14 years of marriage i have finally learned that it is all a fantasy. Men are egotistical, selfish animals and trying to find our emotional security in them is a total waste of time. There are different kinds of abuses and i have been beaten up emotionally so many times that there's nothing left of me. I am an empty void now. They don't care how many times we've been sexually abused, how we suffered in childhood, our depression. They only care about what they want and how they feel. I once asked a psychologist how people who came throught the holocaust were able to pick up their lives and continue on while i couldn't find my way out of the deep hole of despair i was in since childhood. She told me that in many cases it was because they had secure, loving childhoods that gave them the emotion tools to survive and carry on to live productive lives. It is so true and you must stop beating yourself up for any mistakes that have been made and you must vow to yourself that yours and your children's future starts today. The only person that can give you what you need is yourself. Unfortunatly for both of us, no one will give us what we are looking for....to hug and hold that child inside of us. We must love that child ourselves. We have to take that child by the hand and lead her to a safe place in our heart. We must learn to love ourselves unconditionally and forgive ourselves for past errors. NO ONE IS PERFECT so now you must stop beating yourself up and create a new reality for yourself and your daughter. Lastly, in your darkest hours you must ask yourself....if you had cancer, would you try to save yourself?
It seems to me you need to get to know yourself and stay away from any involvement til you are comfortable with you intimately. As a child you never got to really be a child it seems and I hope you take the time and make the effort to get to know yourself.
First You Need to know that you are loved....you are loved...you are loved....it doesn't matter how someone has treated you in the past...what they said to you...what they have taken from you...from this point you must take back your life.....from everyone.....if you are not well you can not begin to take care of you kids...you need to take time to focus on making yourself well....pray for enlightenment and peace.....pray that you can find you happiness inside yourself....happiness is not held by people.....your happiness belongs to you and only you...God wants us all to be happy....give up your past and believe that you have a future...learn from the past but let it be what it is.....the past.....
you have a story to tell...
I'm not sure of the relationship with him but I do know that if you made a attempt to get back with him and didn't work he knows you heart.....just focus on yourself and develop friendships...
love god -self- kids- first..... if you can't love your self than you can't love you kids....
Journey12 - i couldn't have said it better myself. Tippin88 - you need to take care of yourself. My best friend has gone through similar things as yourself, but 9 years ago, she made her way through it by perservering. She's no saint and wasnt' dealt a fabulous hand in life, but she did what she could to get past all of the BS and get HERSELF back on track. She needed to be selfish and think onlyh of herself in a positive way in order to get her kids back. I took her a couple of years and she was finally given back 50/50 custody of her 3 children. She removed herself from men for two years and worked on herself. Basically she dusted off her boots, put them on and took a new step forward everyday. There are always setback, but you cannot let them get to you. You must love yourself first in order to give love to someone else.
Tippin88 We know that moving to the beat of a different drummer can be scarry. But you need to remake yourself become a different person with a whole new frame of mind and your whole being will charge and grow. Little kids and animals give you what no one else does. Faith that you will take care of them, in return all the love you can hold. That makes for a great beginning for your kids.