Ego and the Cancer Male

  • It seems to me that there are MANY threads about the Cancer Male, mostly women trying to figure them out and get into their heads - which we all know is impossible...but still some try.

    I want to pose a few questions, to both the females and males that have either "dealt" with, or are "dealing" with, or "are" a Cancer Male:

    1. Why do cancer men put up fronts (I realize not all do, but it seems that many do)? I am curious about the motivation behind the front.

    2. Which is less-complicated, friendship or romance with a cancer male?

    3. I've read and heard it re-iterated here multiple times, that cancer man is very insecure and typically has self-confidence issues which can manifest in various personality/emotional conflicts and shell-diving - so, when there is a conflict that needs to be addressed, what is the best approach in handling the delicate ego of the cancer male?

    4. Why do cancer male's lack (or operate from a place of low) self-confidence? It seems that they are one of the most magnetic signs, sending their mate's into just seems, well, odd that they can't recognize their sway on others - or when they do, they become boastful (yet still seem not to believe their own boast).

  • I feel like they were made this way for a reason. Imagine if they had all that power over the opposite sex, they knew it, and therefore grew the most enormous ego's ever witnessed by the human race? They would just be the most impossible people EVER. Not that they're very possible now, but at least you don't get instantly snuffed-out by the power of their love for themselves. it's like literally everything within a 5 meter radius would be wiped out.

  • hi Solarity! 🙂 good questions you address here.

    my opinion:

    1./ i think putting up fronts is to cover up what's behind. they don't wanna seem fragile cause they are afraid of rejection or hurt. i never entirely believed though that ONLY cancer men do that. i think most people who are very afraid of rejection and getting hurt (cause probably they cant handle it too well) are putting up fronts.

    the cancer male i was involved with had such fronts put up that i kind of guessed from the first moment that it is a defense mechanism. you act like you were cool and nothing could hurt you, untouchable, then people maybe really handle you like that. i mean they dont try to hurt you, cause they think you cant be hurt, nothing touches you.

    i think lot of people are under the notion that if the other does not see that you are hurt, it hurts less...

    so all in all i would say, self-defense, diversion, covering up how they really are.

    2./ i would say friendship. until i was just 'friends' with the crab, i had no problems with him. i entered a relationship, all got messed up. (but this is only MY experience)

    it can also be maybe for the reason that until you are friends you are not that deep involved, at least it is a different involvement. He is not your partner 'just' a friend. normally friends give more free space to each other and if a friend is busy you dont start to think right away that he is not 'interested' in you.

    3./ for this question i cant answer you. if you follow up on the very delicate approach and you are way too nice and understanding, you may never get what you want from them, i mean no answer or anything cause they use out that you are so understanding and they slip through your fingers.

    anyways, today i already think that when you have a problem, issue you wanna discuss openly (cause it evidently bothers you), you cant be wishy-washy and let it slip away all the time. you have to take a big breath and 'force' some conversation out. and if they avoid all kind of talking (even so that you gave them time and all) it is just not worth it, cause it becomes impossible to solve the problem in hand and you will still feel bugged about it.

    4./ this i really cant answer. maybe it is what they themselves say.. the very high level of fear from rejection, being used, being lied to, being abandoned etc. though i still wouldnt think that it is a typical cancer trait, i think a lot of people lack self-confidence, but each person deals with it in his/her own way... i cant tell why exactly them lack it.

    i also think - if i get into myself - that whatever positives you get back from others considering how great, pretty, clever etc you are... if YOU dont trust yourself, dont see yourself for who you really are... you will always lack self-confidence.

    that's all i could add. im interested what others will answer to these questions. 🙂

  • For reference: these answers are coming from a Pisces/Gem/Gem

    "1. Why do cancer men put up fronts (I realize not all do, but it seems that many do)? I am curious about the motivation behind the front."

    I suppose that depends on each one. There are NUMEROUS other factors that influence their reasons to hide. In a way, I'd suppose that most everybody does the same thing, but Cancers are known for it. Of course, it would be easy to figure out that the feelings or qualities they're hiding are not good (in their mind, anyway)...why would you want to hide something positive? Maybe it ties into their love/skill with money, and putting on the front of success adds to their material success. :🤷:

    "2. Which is less-complicated, friendship or romance with a cancer male?"

    Note: before answering this question, I completely forgot to only include Cancer males lol but that's okay.

    That is a toughie! My first girlfriend (and a couple thereafter, but mostly she comes to mind) was a Cancer. We were very on and off, but believe me, the "on" times were worth it! On the other hand, my childhood/lifelong friend (used to be "Best" until I came out when I was fifteen, lol) is also a Cancer on the Leo cusp. Our friendship lasted for fifteen years but it was very troublesome. As for my friends that I've been lamenting over recently in other friends, "Brian" and "Dave" friendship with each of them is different, and even with my own self getting in the way, far less complicated than, say, my relationship with the former BFF and even my boss, who is also a Cancer and someone I used to trust until he did his Cancer thing at the WRONG TIME one day.

    Each of the relationships I've mentioned (And there are many other me/Cancer relationships in my life) are complicated in their own way. The context doesn't necessarily influence it. For instance, my relationship with "Dave" is, as has been mentioned on the forums, one of the deepest and most profound I've ever experienced. This makes any wrench thrown into it seem like nothing, though by definition it is a "complicated" friendship, it doesn't seem like one. On the other hand, my boss is someone I still have issues with, long after the situation blew over, though we get along still. It's very "complicated" in the sense I think you're asking. My ex-gf are friends now, after a lengthy silence, and I finally learned after all that time that our relationship as friends simply depends on timing. Lastly, I'd say the "simplest" relationship I have between all five mentioned is with "Brian." I know he shells up but for some reason his is very easy to break, and every time he comes back out (usually at my prodding) he's stronger and more mature than he was before.

    I'm a lesbian, and the only male I ever dated seriously was a Leo/Virgo cusp, and it wasn't very awesome, lol. I don't really have a solid answer--again it depends on the other person and their needs/wants. Overall I'd say friendship is "less complicated" but it's kind of a 49/51 deal, if you know what I mean! Splitting hairs and all that. Either way, close relationships of any kind are fueled by some form of intimacy--emotional, physical, mental. The level of complication depends on the Cancer's ability to show and use it.

    TL;DR: "either/both"

    "3. I've read and heard it re-iterated here multiple times, that cancer man is very insecure and typically has self-confidence issues which can manifest in various personality/emotional conflicts and shell-diving - so, when there is a conflict that needs to be addressed, what is the best approach in handling the delicate ego of the cancer male?"

    PATIENCE. Oh dear lawd, this is the hardest for me, and given my own Piscean tendency to be impatient, I've learned the hard way over and over again that that's all it takes. Patience. Every single Cancer I've known that have been in conflict with in any form has come back to me in their own time. Even now, waiting on "Dave" (who I FINALLY heard from, jeeeez)...I should know better, and of course my gut TELLS me I should know better, but do I listen? Oh heck no.

    Each Cancer, male or female, is different. But that is the only common factor in success in the relationship with them I've noticed. Just. Wait.

    "4. Why do cancer male's lack (or operate from a place of low) self-confidence? It seems that they are one of the most magnetic signs, sending their mate's into just seems, well, odd that they can't recognize their sway on others - or when they do, they become boastful (yet still seem not to believe their own boast)."

    Everyone is their own worst critic :🤷: Honestly, I think some of their insecurities might stem from the femininity of the sign itself--emotional, intuitive, sensitive, etc--especially for men, in some/most cultures where men are to be masculine, and not feel, or show feelings, always be confident, etc. etc. Like the western standard of beauty that is IMPOSSIBLE for most women to achieve, yet either consciously or subconsciously, we usually seek it. How many women would believe it if you told them they were beautiful? Very few. Why? Because they aren't on the cover of Cosmo. Same principle, just flip genders, and replace "inside" with "outside." If I told my friends "Dave" and "Brian" for example, that they are good friends and that is why people seek their time and attention, "Brian" would roll his eyes and deflect it, because he doesn't believe it. "Dave" would probably agree and thank me for the compliment, but there would be a pause in there before his assent, where he'd be storing that little tidbit away for later and decide whether or not it was true, according to himself.

  • SERIOUSLY? The word l-e-s-b-i-a-n is censored? Ugh. Lol.

  • I think deep down inside the cancer male knows exactly what he is doing! I dont think its long before

    they realize that with all their insecurities they still somehow have the woman going coocoo!!! They know they do all the same things any other man does does but they know that the reason they get away with it is because they are usually so nice, they do it in the nicest way ever soon as you show your vulnerable side to a cancer male depending on which mood he is in he will either feel bad and comfort you or it will boost his false ego and he will loose respect for you until you flip the switch then they come crawling back and the cycle continues its like when you have the power keep it because the first time you lose it with a cancer male its hard to get it back!

  • 1

    I am not sure to which fronts you are referring. Every person is capable of displaying facades in order that they not be hurt. They are natural defense mechanisms to shield oneself from emotional pain. It may just be that few know the bottomless depths of despair that cancerians are capable of entombing themselves in. Nor do they comprehend the overwhelming sense of jubilation that a cancer feels in accompaniment to deep understanding and unconditional love. That is part of the dichotomy of cancerian nature. We are hard because we are soft. We are cold because we understand the enormity of that which we have lost. Our scars eventually heal, but they inevitably make us somewhat callous and extremely cautious to put ourselves through such turmoil again.


    Friendship is not problematic with a cancerian male, unless, of course, you are seeking more, and the feelings are not reciprocated. To those who are truly close friends, I am often the most emotionally supportive, understanding, and caring figure in their life. Romance, on the other hand, can be unfathomably complicated. My first advice is to know what you are getting yourself into. In all likelihood, you’re dealing with an extremely complicated man. One who is comprised of seemingly impossible contradictions. For example: we are boyishly shy, but also exorbitant in our confidence. We approach love with skepticism and incredulity, and at the same time we are truly hopeless romantics at heart. We can be blinded by irrational jealousy and also panicked into retreat if we feel suffocated with possessiveness or overborne upon. For guidance, we unfailingly resort to our keen emotional intuition and yet are capable of the most sophisticated logic and deductive reasoning. On the one hand, our contradictory nature is maddening to others and detrimental to our own happiness, but on the other it is this duality which confers to us a power and magnetism. We are both yin and yang.

    Other advice includes:

    if they are wounded, and you are uninvited, do not pursue a crab into his shell. That is his sanctuary where he retreats to for comfort and safety.

    Know when he needs comfort and reassurance and when to back off and let him come to you. If he is seeking affirmation of your love and is wanting of your attention, he will feel slighted if you don’t give it to him. At the same time, if you are in constant pursuit of him and he feels there is nothing that he can do or say from which he will not be able to recover, he will gain a power over you that will be difficult to overcome without actually ending the relationship.

    Do your best and try to truly understand him. The feeling that no one understands you can be one of desperate loneliness.

    After such advice it is a wonder why anyone would coddle such an infantile and needy person, but the reward of getting it right is unyielding devotion, unparalleled compassion, and truly passionate love.


    We can be pompous, arrogant and at the same time unbelievably fragile in our confidence. This is, once again, exemplary of the duality that defines us. It’s not that our confidence fluctuates between extremes depending on the mood that strikes us. It’s that we truly feel both ways. Never belittle him or overtly do anything to make his confidence waiver. At the same time, be weary of stroking his ego to excess lest you overinflate it. There is a happy medium to be found. If an argument is to be had, stand your ground, but let logic and reasoning plead your case instead of resorting to personal attacks or insults. Try to make him understand by posing the question of how a given situation would make him feel. If you are right, he will know it intuitively and will eventually come to your point of view.

  • The first sentence of my first response is exemplary of the fronts of which you speak! LMAO

  • I am a cancer female (not a male) and honestly what I have read above from Katie, all the way down toorayloo,crazycrust, yup. I do agree with all of it.

    1. Why do cancer men put up fronts (I realize not all do, but it seems that many do)? I am curious about the motivation behind the front.

    ** I do put up fronts-- all the time. It's because deep down, I'm very insecure. I'm a pretty person from what I am told-- however inside? If I am not mindful of it-- I can find myself thinking I am the worst of the worst, not pretty enough, not smart enough-- I don't know about all Cancers but this one measures herself against a scale of perfection that I can never achieve.

    Keeps me insecure, that's why I have to be mindful of it.

    2. Which is less-complicated, friendship or romance with a cancer male?

    ***Friendship. When in a romance I get odd. For NO GOOD REASON I suddenly get all insecure and find that I am flirting with other guys behind my guy's back--not to cheat-- for the ego boost. I never cheat-- I'll get you ready for the "dump" and then I'll move on when I have somebody in the wings. I get quiet and moody. I never let my guy live down an offense against me and I bring them up every fight.

    I NEVER forget a hurt. I will say I forgive and forget but in all honesty-- I don't. Ever.

    3. I've read and heard it re-iterated here multiple times, that cancer man is very insecure and typically has self-confidence issues which can manifest in various personality/emotional conflicts and shell-diving - so, when there is a conflict that needs to be addressed, what is the best approach in handling the delicate ego of the cancer male?

    **For me? Let's just say it's my weight or something that causes me GREAT stress. If I were you and you need to adress something that will hurt him? Don't do it.

    It will hurt him and he'll never forgive you for pointing out his weakness-- whatever it may be. He'll be hurt and mad that you actually had the nerve to point out his "flaw".

    If something needs to be addressed the have somebody else do it for you-- he'll be mad at them not you-- then when he's ready he'll open up to you about it.

    For example- weight (It's an easy one for me that's why but put your/his issue here)

    Have a decoy point out his weight. He'll get insecure and upset. He'll think and get moody-- when he's done he'll probably open up to you and say "Do you know what "Lisa" said??? She said I have gotten heavy, do you think I am heavy?"

    You: I dunno hunni how do you feel?

    Him: You think I'm fat too?

    You: Hunni, I love you. I don't think you're fat BUT if you are that upset about what she said why not tell me why? What about her calling you fat upsets you?

    Him: I dunno, I guess I could lose a few pounds.

    You: Ugh, please have you seen my @$$, You have nothing to complain about.

    You: How about this, if it upsets/bothers you that much let's do it together. I think you're perfect. I love you just the way you are. Me? My @$$ really does need work. Let's join a gym.

    At this point-- you are the sweet one. Lisa? She's a B!+CH

    4. Why do cancer male's lack (or operate from a place of low) self-confidence? It seems that they are one of the most magnetic signs, sending their mate's into just seems, well, odd that they can't recognize their sway on others - or when they do, they become boastful (yet still seem not to believe their own boast).

    *** You never noticed that the bad stuff is easier to believe?

  • I don't deal with them romantically but I am pretty much surrounded by them. People I grow up with, friends of friends, co workers, supervisors, etc Cancer is a Cardinal sign. They go after what they want. Unless certain aspects in their charts say so, I wouldn't say they are lack of confidence or less of a go-getter, that depends on a lot of things. The two go hand in hand any way. A go getter will get over lack of confidence, insecurity whatever it is that stands in their way. How else are they going to get what they want? Moon children carry powerful feminine energy, so powerful that it’s easier for Moon daughters than her sons. For the Moon daughters, it is additional blessing of a receptive and nurturing ability. For the Moon sons, they are constantly going from male to female energy. The best way to cope up with this constant 'flow' is sometimes, just go with it. This is why they can be the most caring person you'll ever meet, and then somehow they just disappear minding their own business leaving you in the cold or have an affair behind your back. Then just when you think they don't care, lo and behold, they return.

    Each zodiac is master of something. Cancer is master of emotions. As long as you use emotions when dealing with them, you are playing in their field. If you can add a good dose of logic when dealing with them, you will notice the things you won't notice otherwise. Many underestimate the goddess, because we have gone from geocentric to heliocentric. The Sun takes the center stage, and Moon is 'the one in the shadow'. Very strange patriarchal thinking, because the goddess rules the rising and the low-ing of tidal waves and water surfaces daily and our blood is almost 90% water. Definitely nothing to underestimate. They may not possess mysterious allure like Plutonian children's, but they carry the Moon’s gentle allure making you feel safe and comfortable to give in. They don't crave for spot light, that’s where Solar children play. Their shy smiles and tender glow on their face, say something nice and they will blush. In their hands, you melt like burning candles. The next thing you know, you are in their field, playing with their rules.

    Don't play in this field, unless you are ready for it. He reads your emotions. So if you don't use too much of it, or at least don't show much of it, half of the field is yours (well so to speak) You will see that he actually knows how much you have fallen for him, and you will also see that he wonders why you haven't given in yet. It's a general logic NOT to give in to someone until you know for sure he is not fooling you anyway. Unless of course you are not in it for the long term. While keeping half of the field, try find out about the women in his life. I don't mean ex GF, but blood-related ones. They are usually close to the women in their family, or any nurturing figure even if it's not female. It will take time, but if you can keep the half field long enough, someday you will meet his family and friends. What is his mother good at? What does she like to do in her spare time? The least you can do, is care about these women and try not to badmouth them in front of him.

    Cancer rules the house of Home and Roots. If they feel they are 'home' with you, you will be their ‘home’. In general I notice they are usually comfortable with Martian daughters, or at least Mars is dominant in their women's charts. These women are men-like, Martian energy is very masculine and dynamic, not life-giving like the Sun, more of a conquering one. A perfect opposite to the Moon, so they generally understand each other, because the two go through the same thing energy wise. Doesn't mean these women have better luck with the Moon sons, a field is a field. Both are Cardinals, but Moon children do not wear armor and declare battle like the god of War to get what they want, they do it the feminine way. They give you what you want, gentle affection and caring. But they will determine whether this 'caring' gestures will last or not. Think of a mothering energy, if you don't obey your mother, she may go as far as disowning you. This is what the playground is all about. He makes you feel comfortable and loved, like a lost lonely soul finally finds a 'home'. But they will decide how long you can stay. If you are their ‘home’ and somehow you 'leave', they will go after you, wanting you back. because they don’t feel complete without ‘home’. They can do this for years, stubbornly refusing to live without you. If they find someone else, the whole process will start again, but your name will always be in the ‘guestbook’ so the memory of your ‘stay’ can last for a long time. They just can’t cut ties, like a mother can’t forget her child. This is the feminine ego. Unlike the Sun’s ego, that is self and image. If you find another man, even if he also finds another woman, he will still think he is better than this other man. Like a daughter in law is never good enough for a mother. That’s why knowing the women in his life will be helpful. If he really wants you, he will go after you, even without family’s approval. But because he never cuts ties, he will still want to please them now and then. If you don’t maintain good relationship with his family, the women especially, it will be rough.

    Very hard to resist Moon children. The moon’s se xy and subtle energy always manages to sneak in. Many of them are easy in the eye and I really enjoy their caring attitude, but if I say or do something wrong they will scorn me. Now I already have that from my mother, so I am not taking more from a man LOL With Sun is in Leo, but Pluto dominant in my chart. I have ongoing power struggle and dominating tendency within me and I recognize it when I see it in another person. I really don’t want to hurt anyone but it’s impossible not to, especially with mouth like mine : ) When they are hurt sometimes I can see it in their eyes, and it makes me feel really bad. It’s really unsettling, how come something so beautiful is so tender, like a great attractive statue needs constant maintenance or else it will crack. But I guess nobody can have everything. I hope this helps. And I hope you find your oasis someday, be it Cancer male or not.

  • I think trust plays a big role. We all put on a front until we really get to know and trust a person; some just take longer than others. There is an element of privacy that we all protect, and unless you are very close to your cancer man, you will be surprised to find how much things can really affect them. Cancer is the natural ruler of the 4th; the IC is the lowest most private point in the chart, the cusp of home and roots as leoscorpion mentioned. I’ve noticed that people and situations that impact their emotional being are internalized when they are still raw and fresh. But when they’ve worked it through then they are more open to revealing them however they will be revealed more as a matter of fact. I don’t know how many of us would display our Achilles’ heel unless we trust the other person implicitly. And again, we all have our boundaries of privacy. It takes a long time for a Cancer to learn to trust but when they do you will find yourself being brought into his most sacred circle of family and friends.

    A labelled relationship is much more difficult to kick off cold. There is a distinctive element of expectation and formality in a labelled relationship and there is a reluctance to show any imperfections because she might reject them as a potential suitor, so he has to constantly be on his best behaviour. The problem with this is a person’s natural self expression is suppressed. It’s a double edged sword because if you haven’t reached a position of trust, then he can’t open up enough to show you any perceived flaws and he can’t show you his flaws because he doesn’t trust yet. In any relationship when someone holds back the other person feels it and they either start holding back or they start pushing, so it doesn’t get very far when a deeper connection is desired by one or both. Martian energy (not necessarily Sun) could be of benefit because there is a vibrancy, passion, an innocent aggression and it’s direct and void of any manipulation or deceit, although it needs to learn subtlety. There can be a bit of a struggle to find the right balance between the 2 energies because they do both want to lead but I agree they can bring out the good in each. The nuances of a friendship are very different. Both people are in a relaxed state so their natural selves are more likely to be revealed and no one is being inspected under a microscope. So he can invest his emotions slowly as he begins to learn more about you and begins to trust you. It could work the other way too because you could both discover that you truly aren’t compatible either. Intimacy is harder for a person that is private and has depended on himself to resolve any emotional issues during his life.

    Of course any conflicts have to be addressed in order to resolve them. If he truly cares he will be available to talk, but you might not get a direct answer because he might not even know at the time. Never ever put his back up against the wall because that could have an undesirable affect. His answers come from what he feels right in that moment, not yesterday, not tomorrow. It’s important that you communicate your own desires and needs at the time because miscommunication comes in when he’s confused by either what you want or what he wants and whether the two agree. What you could find is that although he might not acquiesce to you vocally, he will give you your hearts desire after some time (and thought) but it has to come from him. The common misconception about Cancers is that they disappear because they can’t deal with issues, but when it comes to really important ones they will staunchly support, defend and fight for their family and friends, and then they need to rebuild their energy.

    Why does anyone lack self confidence? A fear of rejection and abandonment, upbringing, sensitivity or it might even be emotional confidence. If people and the environment around you affect your emotional being and your sensitivities then you could take a lot of things personally. If you haven’t learned to shut those things out then you could start taking ownership of slights that people and the environment dishes out. There are just so many things that cause someone to lack confidence…

    Maria!!!! So good to see you back! How’s life been treating you?

  • Wow, there's A LOT of valuable insight, thank you all!

    I can see where/how I may have mishandled my male cancer friend's delicate ego, and I'm not going to ramble on about the details -- we are all delicate at times, myself included, and if he truly values my friendship then I am sure we can/will work things out. I don't know why, but we both seemingly "get" to each other, and then when we succeed...well, I feel bad about it and apologize, because I'm not sure if he realizes he's antagonizing me (and then, if he's doing a "happy" dance when I finally react and drop my scorpio cool - he's told me he does this to his sister to embarrass her, so I can only's intentional, I suspect). I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, in case there is no agenda (but c'mon, really?!)...

    And then I wonder to myself (briefly), what is it about me that gets under his skin so much that he feels he has to behave so in order to get my attention?! Most likely, it's just a (im)maturity thing, nothing more, nothing less. Going backwards (from being physically intimate/"seeing where things go" to "just friends" - @ my decision because I was heeding his "front" behavior as a warning sign) is a head spin, IF I let it. It's moments like these that are a lesson to self. Some things are not meant to be held on to, and people are one such thing. If the effect is not positive then it's negative...or can it be non-effective ? And then, what can be gained? Or lost?

    Nothing, because it never was more than it was meant to be, nor less.

    Is this typical scorpio-cancer theatrics? He is only the second cancer I've been romantic with (and friends with also - although suddenly I'm surrounded by cancers), so I don't know what's "normal", or if there is such a thing...just curious.

  • solarity

    it can depend on many things. what I wrote is generality from astrology point of view.

    but because Cancer rules the house of Home and Roots. Indeed what happened at home affects him, deeper than other signs. how he relates to the women in his family, will be most likely how he relates to women in general.

    It may not be "you' or Scorpio - Cancer thing, but just how he is. As you said, he did it to his sister. May not even be intentional, it's just how he is. He can't let you win the emotional field. This is where he plays anyway.

    One Cancer male family member stirs my emotions all the time and he does it to his wife a Pisces too, playing his wife against his mother Aries. He does this because he knows his mother doesn't like her. if he doesn't know, if his mother is less emotional and more logical, he can't do it. Many things he said didn't make sense anyway, I don't know why she fell for it LOL

    I don't know your chart, but as I said before, if you are not ready then don't play in this field.

    People say we can't control emotions, NOT true. We can not eliminate it, but we can control everything if we put efforts into it.

    It's true there are so many threads about Cancer, there was a lot last year and even more this year : ) I don't know the whole story, but if a relationship doesn't give you as much as you give into it, then it's not a relationship. Shake the dust off of your feet and start a new.

  • Thanks leoscorpion - it's not that I'm not ready or prepared to play in the emotional field, it's that I don't really like to "play" emotional games, or feel "played". While I know that there is a certain amount of mystery one should keep to themselves while getting to know one another, I've found that I'm more "me" when I feel the other person is taking similar risks in revealing themselves too - not poking just to get a reaction (a "win" for them), positive or negative, or putting up fronts for shock value. This is what he does, and I know just doesn't "work" for me. It makes me doubt my value to him, and that's not emotionally healthy. That's one of the major reasons I thought friendship would be wisest with him. Because I do care heaps about him as a person, friend, etc - we get along fantastically, so long as we're not trying to date one another.

    I know my needs (emotionally, physically and romantically) and expectations when in a romantic relationship, and I am not willing to compromise my happiness and/or self-confidence for the sake of trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole. I have had enough relationship experiences to "know better" by now. It's that double-edged sword that Aquabubbles referred to in a labeled relationship, and I can tell that he fears he can't hold up to his perception of my expectations, mostly because of where he is in his life right now. And I don't want this to become a bone of contention in our friendship (or a carry-over from our brief try at a relationship) because he feels I am holding him up to some imaginary measure. I am not, but he has to come to trust that on his own. I do not agree with forcing cards.

    Many of our struggles center around my wanting to pry more into him emotionally, and him reading that as my trying to "fix"'s not that I'm trying to fix him, but that it's MY nature to investigate why people use emotional crutches and/or deflect uncomfortable feelings. No matter how hard I try to reign myself in, I can't help but want to get to the REAL cause and effect of human behavior and relationships. I can see how such intensity could annoy others, because I annoy myself sometimes. I am working on "letting go" on a daily basis. I'm getting better at it, but I still see those moments pop up - especially with him. The more I care about someone, the more I want to know more about them as a whole, and dive in to them - it is how I feel closer to a person, because I am sharing my scar stories too, and this is how I build trust in relationships and friendships. However, I know that with cancer's there is a delicate line of what is perceived as "invasive" and what is "understanding" them - and when I sense I've crossed that line I apologize and re-focus on myself introspectively, and make a point to give him plenty of space and time. I do feel I understand his motivations and "fronts", however he doesn't think he puts them up. But that could be just as crazyCrustacean described.

    Our chart info:

    Me: 11/17/76 born in Kansas, USA (scorpio sun, libra moon, taurus rising)

    Him: 7/16/82 born in Iowa, USA (cancer sun, taurus moon, libra rising)

    There is one very recent episode that is puzzling me, but I am hoping to have more insight this evening...otherwise, I'll be back in the morning scratching my proverbial head here, seeking advice/insight. Thank you all for your insights!

  • hmm depending on the chart Plutonian energy can be too intense to handle

    I know this from my own experience, because I have this planet dominant in my chart

    I do like to go into depth of things, and that's what helps me avoids their emotional playground

    because I can see what they are doing.

    it's OK because each zodiac is a master of something and each person has their own favorite field, it really depends on each person where they want to play and whose rules

    well nobody can force anything onto anybody so the force card won't work in relationship anyway

    everyone has that 'invasive' and 'understanding' line, not only Cancer

    when I said 'prepared' I mean you really want him and ready to take on the challenge

    of course if you don't want to play it, you wouldn't bother preparing yourself LOL

    some people will do anything to win someone's heart and I just thought if you are this type of person than just be prepared

    I am too busy with other charts this week. someone else will be able to look at it and help you

    have a good week

  • So I've been following your thread for a few days now, you've been given a lot of really good advice so I withheld mine.

    I'm a Cancer male, I had a 6 month stint with a Scorpio male not too long ago

    The paragraph starting "Many of our struggles center around my wanting to pry more into him emotionally"

    struck me enough to finally post, I am very much the same, have an inquisitive prying nature that wants to get down to the nitty-gritty of human emotions and motivations (maybe my Mars in Scorpio?)

    But basically, I would try to pry the Scorpio open, I would succeed sometimes, but most of the times I would not and most of my attempts were met with him disappearing for a while only to pop back up later and never mention anything about it.

    Ultimately I gave up, it wasn't worth my time or my self respect to keep up a one-sided effort and moved on

    I usually post on the ASCLAC thread and have seen quite a few Cancer-Scorp relationship dilemmas, and from my experience there's a big big hesitation on both sides parts to open up, each one wanting the other to go out on a limb first (control issues perhaps?) but it just never seems to happen, they reach a stalemate and things fizzle out...however the connection between Scorp and Cancer is unbelievable. And I often wonder how it's possible that we feel that the other "gets" us yet we complain about the communication blockage lol

    Anyways keep us updated on what's going on, I am curious to hear how it goes

  • Hi Kelcrab - I think your observation of hesitation on both parts pretty much sums up my experiences with my friendly crab guy. I still struggle with missing him some moments, which was ultimately why I chose friendship - to maintain an amicable contact with him, since I do care about him - but, as you pointed out in your experience, my self-respect is worth more to me than keeping up a one-sided effort in a romantic relationship. Relationships are not one-sided. And they should not begin with power struggles or plays for who likes who more. I recognize my need to control (def a shared cancer-scorpio trait), but there are certain things that are best left to flow freely, and I really do believe that love and relationships are one of these.

    There was a "lost puppy" side to him that would occasionally tug on my heart strings, but I realized that had more to do with MY wanting to take care of someone more than it had to do with him. I have learned a lot about myself in this experience, but ultimately I do not think the "relationship" foundation (with him) is strong enough to support my dreams and ambitions. I don't know if he has the stamina to maintain friendship with me - he seems to insert ideals that I secretly want more from him, when I know that I do not, and so I am keeping my distance until he gets over himself. It may or may not happen, but such is life. 🙂 I'll update when there is one.

  • Hi AquaBubbles! 😄 I'm fiiiine! I'm loving this thread, it's great! Although it does pretty much just sum up what i've read on here over the past little bit. How are you? How's life?

    One thing I want to touch on, is this: Aqua, you mentioned the labeled relationship being difficult for Cancer males because of the expectations placed on it. I think this may be a huge problem for us right now. I think he thinks he'd be a bad boyfriend....

    For me, and anyone else who may be dealing with a Cancer male who's having trouble mustering enough faith in himself to make the leap into the scary 'commitment' phase, is there any advice for helping them with this? Or does it all need to be smoothed over in their shells by themselves?

    I think this touches on the whole ego/self conscious tangent we've been discussing. It's like...when it comes to picking up chicks: no problem. They are as bold as anything, and they get girls left, right and center. But when it comes to someone who represents something solid, lasting and committed, it's like all of a sudden they just freeze up and the 'what if's' start flooding through their heads. I know this has to do with them being terrified of feeling hurt, because they feel it so strongly. But how does the other person guide them through this?

  • Hey Maria, life is treating me well. I had a fantastic summer and was able to get away to the great white north and back to nature, not so white in June but hey…midnight Sun so you can’t beat that.

    I don’t think the hindrances of a labelled relationship are limited to just him because it’s something that I’ve also discovered over time. I’ve only ever been in long terms and none of them started out as friends first, but I never really felt that any one of them got to know me deep down and yet they wanted to get married. So, who was I in their eyes and what kind of image did they have of me? Even after the first 2 months with my Cancer he told me I was perfect. How can anyone live up to that? It’s intimidating and he would have been sadly disappointed yet again. When he stepped back he stopped us both from idealizing and took the time to dig deep to get to know the real me and in return showed me the real him. There wasn’t that feeling of obligation and all actions stemmed from what he felt like doing for me. Personally, I think it’s a compliment when someone wants to take their time to explore you without the confines of what is to be expected of you or of them.

    If you have to work so hard to get a commitment, then it’s not something that can be sustained. Know what I mean? In your situation, I think it’s very daunting for him because I get the feeling he thinks you want the entire package deal but either he’s not in same place in life or he hasn’t made that same connection with you, or both. And remember, commitment means different things to different people. For some it could mean lifetime, for another it could mean until whenever. So, what kind of commitment do you want from him? If you have read anything about Cancer traits then you will know that it is fairly traditional and it needs security first and foremost. It doesn’t matter if it’s the Sun, moon, ascendant, venus, mars, or mercury because they just play a different role in the house setting that it’s placed in. If he’s very cautious then everything, including you and how secure he feels will have to click in before he takes that leap of faith.

  • Hey all,

    I’ve seen your posts on cancer males and I would appreciate some advice.

    I am sorry I am starting a new post as a reply, but I am new on this site and not accustomed to its use; yet I need some advice desperately!

    I am a Libra (Gemini asc. Moon and Venus in Leo), who recently got out of relationship with an Aqua man. I have moved forward from this relationship and I am meeting various types of men and dating some.

    But recently I met this cute Cancerian (Scorpio asc. Moon and Venus in Leo) with whom we had instant chemistry when we first saw each other. He asked for my number and I gave it to him with pleasure. He called as he said he will, only that I didn’t return his phone call because I didn’t had his number and I rarely call back unknown numbers. A few days after I accidentally ran into him, and we ended up spending the entire day together and we had a lot of fun (we were with a group of his friends). We also agreed to see each other later in the evening. But he didn’t call. He called me 2 days later, when saw me outside the place he was at. Funny enough I was going to the same place for some lunch and we got to talk face to face and we said to meet in 2 days. He gave me compliments on my looks and was real cocky with me. Then again he disappeared for 2 days. So I text him to see what he is doing and we agree to meet that evening and we met. We only went first base. He was really sweet and touchy, but quite straight forward. He made the first move and he did it a really bold way (which surprises me after reading your comments on the Cancerian man). Yet I could sense the sensitive soul behind his masculine security that he will pursuit me. The deep look in his eyes captivated me. And based on the conversation flow, he gave me a hint that was not going to be a casual fling. Then he disappeared again.

    After a few days I text him and asked him on a drink. He said he was busy. So i told him to call/text when he will be free. 2 days later I ran on him again in a club. This upset me and i text him that i don’t like seeing he is not busy, but he has not called. He text me back he is out on a business event (his job involves a lot of events) and thats why he didnt call. But i didn’t respond to his text.

    Next day i found out that indeed he was out with business partners and I text him: “I would like to see you tonight. Would you like for us to have a drink this evening.”

    He calls from the meeting he is on, to say he has to finish with the meeting, then he has to attend an event; and after he will call because he wants to see me too. But he didn’t call later that night. That was 2 days ago. And since then there has been NO phone call, NO text, NO nothing.

    So I am confused big time!!! What the heck is going on? why call if you do not intend to see me?

    I really do like him, and i feel drawn to him and I can sense he is drawn to me. But should I stay or should I go. Should I text him or should I ignore him?!?

    Please if you have any advice for me share it with me. I would utmost appreciate your thoughts on how to deal with this Cancarian man.

    Thanks a lot and please accept my apologies for the length of the post!!! :)))

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