8 Signs That You Love Someone Too Much
Article by Ariadne Green
If you are anything like a large number of people, your partner is the center of your universe. Your thoughts revolve around them, your day is punctuated by their smiles and your worth is determined by how satisfied they are with all that you do to make them happy. You pour love into the relationship hoping that every ounce you give will come back to you as appreciation. And because your love fuels your partner, they shine like the sun. Even when their plans supersede yours, their work is deemed more important, and their words hold more weight, at the end of the day you don't mind because after all – you love them. Is it possible to love someone too much?
Many people equate loving someone with perpetual giving, submitting and acquiescing. A man or woman may seem to have an endless supply of love to give to others, but little to give to themself. Women especially tend to submit, thinking their role is to support rather than to direct and will acquiesce their power in the relationship to help their partner feel more powerful and remain dominant. A woman's identity can be dependent on proving her love, while a man's identity is often more defined by how well he provides. A person may feel fulfilled when they are doing everything they can to make their mate happy. They seldom realize how little they get in return.
The following signs will hopefully give you at bit of insight into behaviors that suggest you love your partner a bit too much:
1. Standing On Your Head To Make Your Partner Happy
If your partner is grumbling, seems distant, and uncommunicative, it's not necessarily your cue to jump up and start catering to their needs. Fluffing their pillow or spending hours fixing their favorite meal won't cure your partner's woes. It will only exhaust you. Yes, they're everything to you. But doing "everything" for them assumes they are a cripple and is demeaning. If you continue on this vein, your partner will likely see you as a dotting parental type rather than the "god or goddess of love" you wish to be. Many people often feel overly responsible for their mate's wounds and moods, thinking that they in someway caused them. In their eyes, they must have done something wrong to cause their loved one to slip into silence. They, therefore, see it as their duty to nurture their mate into a mood change. In this case, love is tainted by shame.
2. Looking Up to Your Partner and Looking Down on Yourself
Many women put men on a pedestal because of a collective legacy of feminine degradation. For centuries, women have been trained and conditioned to believe a man's intelligence is superior. This conditioned belief is difficult to shake even for the most liberated and accomplished woman. But men can also idealise women. If you are the type to put your guy or girl on a pedestal, thinking they are more intelligent, capable and ultimately more important, all that admiration will make you look pathetic. Your adoration will likely only fuel an already too big ego and does little to elevate your self-worth.
3. Abandoning Your Friends to Spend Every Waking Minute with Your Partner
The worst thing you can do is to deny yourself time with your friends, thinking your partner will miss you, can't fend for themself, or that you will meet with disapproval if you spend too much time away from them. If you are the type to only contact friends when your mate isn't home or hang up the phone abruptly when they come through the door, your friends are probably annoyed by your rude behavior. Your friendships outside of the love relationship feed and reward you. And in times when things aren't running smoothly in romance, good friends offer support and advice.
4. Your Goals Don't Matter As Much as Your Partner's.
Abandoning your goals - whether a career choice, an educational opportunity or a spiritual journey - because you believe your partner's goals will serve you more in the end, will derail your hopes for personal fulfillment. Maybe the reason why you sacrifice your goals to encourage your partner's is because you believe he oe she deserves success more than you or because deep inside you don't believe in yourself. If you put your personal goals on the backburner too long, your dreams will simmer away.
5. Kissing Up Too Often
Contrary to your belief, kissing up to your partner won't tame the beast in them. They will only lose respect for you and complain even more. It is not uncommon for a person to side with their mate even if they know they're wrong, support poor decisions or refrain from giving advice thinking they are proving their love and faith in their partner by keeping silent. If you find yourself the one to always say you are sorry first, taking the brunt of the blame for all arguments, you will lose self-respect. Sure, you may believe it is easier just to let your mate think they've won, but they have lost something valuable too – their respect for you.
6. Submitting to Sex
Love and sex are simpatico in a woman's mind. But thinking a man has love on his mind when he is pushing or coercing her to have sex when she isn't the least bit in the mood is not "lovemaking". Letting a man have his way with you doesn't honor the sacredness of true intimacy. You will likely feel used and even abused if after countless times of saying "no" you ultimately submit. Sex is an expression of love, not a duty.
7. They Get Everything, You Get Nothing
OK, your partner's got every power tool that Black & Decker makes, or a wardrobe full of clothes and shoes that she doesn't wear. And you? You pick out clothing donated to the thrift store and buy it with the change you had to dig out of the bottom of your wallet. To make matters worse, you just can't help bringing home "a little something" for your partner from time to time. People who are in the practice of indulging their mates while denying themselves feel undeserving. They appear vicariously gratified just knowing their mate has it all. Just seeing their loved one happy is enough for them.
8. Dismantling Your Boundaries
Some people let their mates push them into agreeing to do things they know will prove disastrous. Inviting the best friend to stay with you for a month because he/she was thrown out of home, or bringing home two stray dogs to be your companions while your partner is away for a month, should push you to set some limits. But you just don't have the heart to tell your partner you don't appreciate the thought and extra work. No, you don't want your mate to think you are an ogre. But if you constantly dismantle your boundaries to accommodate your partner's soft heart, your own heart will be filled with resentment.
Loving someone means you respect them enough to set boundaries, and expect that they treat you with respect and give to you in as many meaningful ways as you give to them. You have to fight your own tendencies to submit and sacrifice in the name of love. If it's love that you are after, then you will have to love yourself enough to ask for what you need and stop giving endlessly, thinking it wins you a place in your loved one's heart.
WOW. I love this Captain. This really is an awesome post. I enjoyed reading it as I usually do with your other posts.
*** = sex.
I forgot the censorship rules here.
I have joined the site today, and more so out of desperation..... dealing to survive much personal trauma..... feeling absolutely helpless and life's come to a screeching halt.... I have been doing everything to find answers to all the questions that have been crushing my soul to death and have not managed to find any success.....
I logged on the site, and browsing through many posts to see how people in similar situation as mine, dealt with things, and realised you have been helping a lot of people in stress..... indeed a noble task..... I can't even describe what relief it can bring to people who've lost all hope..... and I am writing to you..... seeking some help with my trauma.....
I am posting the link here "Love & Relationships » Need Insight. End of a 5 yr long loving relationship between Pisces Man & Woman. ( http://www.tarot.com/forum/topic.php?id=11424 have put my thing in the forum today, but haven't managed to receive any reply) and every help will be sincerely appreciated...... I know I shouldn't be expecting things out of anybody.... but I am really looking for answers.... I don't want to compel you.... but I really am in need....... Please see if you can guide me......
God Bless You! Many Thanks!
Thank you for this post and for your sage advice that empowers us all, especially women. As the year comes to a close, I will soon be a year older and a bit wiser, thanks to you, Shuabby, Watergirl and so many others on this site
God Bless You All.
I came across your post today, thank you for taking the time to post it. It is truly worth reading and contemplating. After I read it, I realized you do not have to have all 8 behaviors or signs happening to realize you are loving someone too much. Just 2 or 3 will put the relationship off kilter & unbalance it. As this year comes to a close, I am alone, in the sense I do not have a relationship with a partner. Yes, I was one who was loving too much, & as a Gemini with my rising sign in Taurus, had a difficult time letting go. It had not felt right to me for a long time & the universe kept showing me in so many ways. An opportunity to end the relationship was handed to me, as if it was a gift. So that is how I am choosing to view it. A new beginning, alone by myself, & feels good & bad. But still so right. Blessings to all as our year comes too a close..
Thanks for the advice. Number 3 means a lot to me and I hope to remember it.
Yes can totally relate to number 1 being a number 2 in numerology i have shown these traits all my life .
Yes I identify with number one. Oh I think it is my duty in life to make everyone happy not just boyfriends...it never ceases to end. Then i am stuck wondering why I feel so burned out with nothing left to give. WEll hello! Its because I give so much of myself...and it does not earn respect or admiration in any way. Thanks for this information. Gives me something to think about.
Dear lovinmylife .
I totally agree with you all the way i feel exactly the same at the end of the day i feel that my husband doesnt respect me at all i think that he finds me more of an annoyance than anything else .and weve been together for 16 years . Im wondering Is it to late to correct this behaviour now, i know that i have to toughen up as many people have treated me like a doormat over the years .
Thanks Captain youve got me thinking as well i thinks its about time i start making a list for my new years resolutions.
Wishing everyone a merry christmas lots of love Mags
It's never to late to change your life or your attitude.