Blmoon if you are there you will be so proud of me
watergirl18 last edited by
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WEll I decided to take both of your advise and celebrate, My son Drew and I went out after work and got a beautiful tree at a lot by our house, I tried not to think of how our famiuly used to go to the Santa cruz mountains and cut down our tree, all together.
I baked cookies and we pulled down all the boxes of decorations and while he put the lights on the tree we opened to boxes of all the things we have collected over the 27 years we were a family.
I knew it would be hard and tried to find the joy in each thing i unwrapped and rediscovered.
I got to the 3rd box and to my heartbreak somehow it had gotten wet and moldy.
Inside that box was the 15 barista bears in chrismas clothes that Ron bought for me. It was a joke we shared that I still love stuffed animals and everythime he went to starbucks andf there was a new one, he would buy it for me, and each year the christmas ones were the best and I usually got it on my birthday trip we took each year to lake tahoe.
Now they are garbage, gone forever just like him, oh it hurts, but I guess its just the symbolic meaning not the stupid bears. Nothing else was wet or ruined and they were in a plastic stiage bin in the attic, so it makes no sence at all
does the universe speak up or what!? The divine has intervined and says loudly--LET GO! Yes yes yes--it makes perfect sense it is divine when logic does not fit. and you are so blessed--the spirits that watch over you are a mighty devouted bunch! You must make room for more treasures to come. Grieve and let go. All of us are on our own personal journeys of letting go and healing--some have not awakened soon enough to get full benefit of this energy in the universe right now. You are one of the ready ones who has been accepting of the changes--doing the hard stuff--it is allways darkest before the dawn. Cliche but true! The healing time is just now hitting the "bottom of the barrel" Bringing the real wounds that began all wounds" now out into the open to release. It's all good.! The moldy bears would have been a great gift to Ron--with a thank you card!! You have to laugh! Think--thank God--I'm all grown up now!
watergirl--I'm off to work will connect later.
I was just writing about you as I thought of the respect and love you showed me.
Just to vent and find away to find peace.and to feel safe to write you and ask.
I Just wanted to say* Thank you *and I will never forget how you got me going.
Your daughter leaves these words "LIGHTEN UP!"
Zep--well merry christmas to me! Thank you.
I answered on your thread. You'll find it.
WEll last night we had another major blowout with Tyler. He is getting so mean and so angry and nothing I say or do makes it any better.
He wanted to use my vidoe casmera for school and I said okay, but you need to promise to tske care of it.
He came unhinged and started swearing at me and saying horrible things to me, I reminded him that he has broken or lost 6 phones and 3 ipods in the last 2 years and that I was just asking for him to please be careful as it is my camera.
I asked him why he feels that it is okay to talk to me the way he does and he swore and said he will do what he wants.
One of Trrevors friends said " Tyler please don't talk to her like that, she is suchn a great mom" and Tyler called him names and threatened him so Drew stood up and said Enough Tyler knock it off and the next thing I knew he ran into the kitchen and punched Drew to the ground jumped on him and was hitting him as hard as he could.
I yelled and got them apart with the help of 2 other guys and told Tyler I am done, I don't know whast else to do, and he said FU and left.
TRevor called Ron and I ended up talking to him and he wants no part of any of us.
He's tired, lives to far away, has to work ect...
While he was gone his brothers told me some of the bad things he has been up to lately and I just don't think I can do this anymore.
Ron suggested he goes there during vacation, which would mean Tyler meets Colleen, and I am not sure how I feel about that.
I guess that means they are staying together, becauser he wouldn't put Ty through that if they werent.
The only suggestion I have is to respond to your son's anger for what it is--he's angry at his father's abandonment--angry at himself for not being "enough" angry at you for not being enough and not stopping it--yet he knows in his rational mind that none of that is really true but he can't keep a level head with so much emotion. THEN to top it off once the anger has released later he feels more worthless for being that monster. When he lashes out at you you can bring it out in the open by saying I know you are angry and hurt by this divorce and I'm hurting and angry too but I love you and I know you love me. Think about the intensity of your own pain in this divorce and you are an older adult with much more strength and surviving skills--but at his age this is really bigger than him and you are just going to have to let it play out. He needs counseling--he would do well with the right one. Pray for that. I will send a prayer as well. This will help him from spiriling into a selfloathing place. He needs counseling--he is not going to like that idea but I do see it happening. I would only agree he can stay with his father on condition he go to counseling. And his father be included. You have the power to do that. Talk to your lawyer for referals.
WEll once again you are so wise and so right, I know Ty is riped apart by Ron leaving, but in my own pain i often forget, and when he acts that way I become afraid that there is nothing I can do to help him
He was the happiest sweetest kid in the world and his anger is so intense and I know he does need some help.
I am hoping Ron will get him some conseling and that they go together because he needs so too., but I doubt he will so I will try to find someone myself that might be able to help.
Last night Ty came to me and said he was sorry and that he loves me so much, it just breaks my heart.
I wanted Ron to come see him that night and he wouldn't and he told me that I never knew him.
I said you know of all the horrible things you have said that one takes the cake, and don't you ever say anything like that again, I know you as well as you know yourself. He said, well you know I had a horrible family life and I said I know, that is why I was sure you would always be there for your family and look what you have done. He said I know.
I asked him what he thought of Ty before he left and he said he was great, perfect and I told him ssee he needs you, please be there for him.
Today as I was getting ready for my lunch hour I got this wave of pain and didn't understand and when I got to my locker I saw I have message from Ron. Not saying anything just that he put money in the bank, but I knew.
Can you please tell me when this will all end, I feel like I have done so much and am waiting for some hope, some sign that I will be okay.
If you can truely see please tell me.
When I wrote to you about April you said you had some thoughts about Ron and Collen and you never told me.
Interesting, Ron said you never knew him and you said you knew him as well as he knows himself. This is the truth of it--because HE does not know himself. I know I wrote long paragraphs about Ron, missing in his own life--a great detachment so deep and long time on auto pilot that he no longer felt who he is. YOU did a lot of communicating and feeling FOR HIM. YOU kept the life going YET you felt like you leaned on him--you even felt safe and childlike when it was not--you both were living behind a mask. Ron--his midlife crises TO FEEL alive to be his real self is where he's at--but he is finding himself at a much slower rate because he has been shut down--has always had a wall around his heart--from childhood--safe from hurt--but he did all the things he felt fit the script of husband--of father--that's why he could just walk away so easily because he has always been holding back. His wound can not heal untill he lets himself FEEL the pain. You have chosen to walk through your pain and it is why it will heal and you will be better. He is still hiding and she is hiding--they feed each other's lie and it will not last. As I said right now any discord between them is blamed on the divorce so he focuses on that--tells himself--ok as soon as this drama is gone then their life will begin to settle. That will not happen and he avoids contact with you and the old life to keep the peace because if he had to really see the truth about her and there lie together he'd have to deal with his loss and his issues--his disconnect with intimacy. I know this is a painful image but really what glued them was sex--and that is very superficial--sex can be used to avoid intimacy and as you grew wiser and closer to healing he had a harder time hiding--so he ran. She as well has a great childhood wound and is self distructive--longs for intimacy yet destroys it and so she wears the seductress mask--it's her control her weapon but as well that sex power cannot sustain a marriage. Right now she blames you for all her issues in the happiness department but that will get tired. I see her cheating on Ron--betraying him in a way that forces out his childhood wound. He cannot heal enough to be healthy for you unless he feels the loss and works through it. You must get therapy for your son--it is often court ordered through the divorce process when a parent demands it if a child is suffering--you must go through your lawyer if you want him to pay for it AND if you want to have it enforced they go together on occasion. Your son needs an outside opinion to help him accept it's not his fault---it's not that he does not trust you but kids know mom says things to make them feel better. Your son is very compassionate and smart--a doctor can explain his fathers actions in a way that makes sense to him--he needs to see his father as the sick man--not just as the father figure. Don't get weighed down by the "why" of everything--just keep healing yourself and it gets better. AS for the Ron connection and sick feeling--a sign you've gotten too close! You are feeling for him again--an old habit. Time to meditate and cut that chord--get some distance--stop trying to FEEL what he's feeling--do you see how that worked in your marriage--how you did all the work--feeling for him--thinking for him and keeping the peace. Do you see how that old you--attracted April? How that's not you anymore--losing yourself to others --- see it for what it is--Aprils gone and now the old you starts letting Ron take over your feelings. Just see it--then manage it. Know yourself--the truth will set you free. Stop needing to be needed--you don't have to fix everything to be loved! You are worthy! You have a deep lie that says you must EARN love. You will be fine! BLESSINGS PS--Ron's health will be an issue--but let it play out--he needs the reality check!
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You have said a few times that Colleen blames me for her unhappiness and that makes no sence to me.
I mean as far as x's go I have been greaat.
I tried to talk to her when I first found out, but never again and I leave completely alone.
She stalked him and took him from me, and I have never tried to get him back.
I don't call or go see him.
I could probably get dressed up sexy and go to his store and put doubts in his mind, but I haven't, I want him to do the work if we are to get bacvk together.
Tommorrow is my birthday and every year we took a trip together somewhere special, usually disneyland because thats my nfavorite.
I am on vacation and am getting up everyday and getting out of the house and doing everything I can to make this holidasy season special for my family.
But it still hurts.
It makes no sense because it isn't real. It's in her head. Her unhappiness is not about you but she is not taking responsability for her own unhappines. She thinks it's the divorce and the money and if you would disapear somehow they would be happy. They are not so happy--they are not in bliss and they fight a lot. They fight about money. She is capable of cheating so she is always suspiciouse of him and honestly she fears if he got too close to you and the kids he'd leave her. She is very jelouse of you and that's why she did work so hard to seduce him--with his permission but there is an insecure place in her that is very aware how hard she pushed to get him so she doesn't have that security feeling--it's all control with her. Please treat yourself to a happy birthday--you deserve it! Start a new tradition for the new you--you are loved--celebrate all you are greatful for. Stop thinking of him. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better--it's the truth--they are not so happy together. Spirit says you will get a sign--something very soon that will echo this--please believe it and mostly--please get them out of your head--life is too preciouse and short. Choose love! Happy birthday!
Well I was wondering if my sign was the fact that hecelebrated Christmas with his family without her.
They always pick some day other than the real holiday to get together and he asked the boys to join him and they all said no. He waited until I was at work tom stop by and give them gifts and he spent all of 10 minutes with them, but she was not with him.
He told the boys he misses them so much, but they don't care anymore, it is sad for them.
I have a bad cold right now so am feeling alittle whimpy, but I feel ready to start a new chapter in my life.
Can you give me a hint of where I might meet someone, or maybe who that person will be?
According to my lawyer the divorce should be coming very soon and I hope thst is the point I allow myself to give up on him.
The holidays are so hard and we used to have so much fun, that I feel very lonely, but I need to be here for my boys , and don't see myself out looking for men.
Regret has shown you a glimpse-- be open to "letting it happen" normaly you are the fixer--the one who made it easy for him--I know it was sad to know he reached out and your sons went cold but there is a blessing here--it gave your sons back some control they lost--let them express thier anger--remember spirit says he must feel the reality to heal. Now where your life begins new his just now is starting to split apart--like yours did the day this mess got dunped in your lap. Your challange will always be the same weak points--accepting that not all bad situations are bad and sometimes a big storm makes room for new growth--you tend to expect the worse as if you deserve it--but you have really made so much progress--you know yourself better and have more strength in your ability to be self reliant. You are aproaching the man thing the wrong way--it's not about looking--in fact the man you invite into your life is not looking for a woman who is looking--or needing. The lonely factor must heal first. Are you on facebook? Spirit shows me a reconnect with old friends that lead to a rediscovery to parts of yourself--talents you let go over the years. What I see is suddenly old friends popping up--some not so good but in a way it will feel right the way you spot your old self and say--no--not this one--I don't go there any more--you will see yourself weed out the needy that waste your help and yet you'll find rewarding people who actually do good with your gift for compassion and nurturing. Your struggle has been all or nothing--give or close down but this past year you have found more balance--beefed up the male energy in yourself that keeps the soft side safe. As the new year goes into Feb. you will feel liberated--almost b it chy in the no nonsense way you make desicions--as if all this pain has earned you the right to expect more for yourself--you will want things your way. You will be more asertive about finances--shopping you will go back for that overcharge and you will take something back untill it is just right. This energy will take you to a different job situation--more responsability but in a good way--more of being your own boss. As you continue with this energy the man--the new friends--the job will come to you. I know you want to know all about the man but knowing that will not excercise your self reliance or keep you from needing that. Also, never think too much when you are low and sick--that is a time for letting go. Spirit shows me three months with important changes--FEB shows me excitement--A change in body image and "feeling younger". March is important and something with Ron will test you but you will come out knowing better and you will feel sad without "feeling sorry" for him in a way that shifts responsability you do not own. May Spirit shows me a big huge gift box tied wiith a White ribbon and huge perfect bow. BLESSINGS!