Need advise

  • I was engaged to a man who one day said we needed time apart to work on our problems and then two weeks later he started to see a younger lady and if she is around then he is mean when we talk even if it is about our kids but if she is not around then he talks all nice to me i still love him and still think we can work it out he did to until this girl came into the picture what should i do

  • .. nothing for now.

    you can only wait for the other woman to leave.. if you complain it will only get worse. If he feels he has a choice he will come back. Maybe?

    I know situations when this is going on forever.. especially in Italian culture.

    There is no divorce, just accepted cheating.. everyone in the family knows but it seems to work for them. Italian man will never get a divorce, but they will always have a girlfriend on the side. So is a no win situation if you are a woman... it is a bad situation for both of them..

    is this man Italian?

  • Hi jb,

    sorry, but you can't blame the girl entirely. He made the choice to give in to temptation.

    I wouldn't let him know he can come back if it doesn't work out.

    You don't mention whether he turns up to see the kids. If and when he does, i would suggest no matter how difficult it may be for you, that you don't let him in. Make him wait outdoors for the children to go out to him. That would show him he can't come and go in and out of your life as he pleases and treat you as if you'll always be there.

    If he truly wants someone else, do you really want him anyway?

    Why allow yourself to be treated this way?

    Sometimes the opposite of what they expect is the best medicine and jolts things back into perspective.

    Of course you must follow your own intuition as to whether or not my opinion makes a valid point but it might just work.

    Verdana. 🙂

  • Hi JB, My advice is to try to avoid this situation. I know it's hard because feelings are involved. Feelings are often separate from reality. Don't let the fact that he's nice (sometimes), cloud your judgment. This is his decision and his way of handling his decision. I don't see you as being anything like this, that's why it's hard to understand. I would break-away from this one.

  • Speak in a direct, non emotional tone, "Look when you said we need time apart to work on our problems, I didn't think you meant 'working on' some younger chick". Then leave it at that. YOU need space to clear you head. That's irritating that he made it seem like he's going to work on himself, then start seeing another girl! Don't speak to him unless you absolutely have to (like about the kids, but only about picking them up, ect., no small talk). I'm guessing he was feeling like you're too emotional, and this younger girl is not so emotionally attached to him so she's easy to be around, but he doesn't love her- so she's easier to be around. Take time for yourself to do things that make you happy, that's what he really meant, you were probably getting too emotional and he couldn't make you happy. He's giving you a little pain, so you give him a little 'pain' by being emotionally unavailable for him at the moment. Trust me, the pendulum will swing back into pleasure if you do this, it'll just take a little self control- which is hard for women- trust me I know!

  • well he sees the kids maybe once a week. i have been leaving the room when he is in there with the kids he stays for about 10 min telling them he loves and misses them and then comes to try to talk to me about stupid stuff i give him only yess or no answers and he gets upset and leaves. he always makes a comment that i do not want the kids around his new girlfriend so he does not see them more

  • Yea ignore that last comment, he's trying to get you to give in- now it's time for phase two... be happy! Take up a new hobby or maybe get the kids involved in something, so he can come visit them on thier say... swimming lessons??... now when you see him, treat him like a friend- be feminine, polite, and nice... but not toooo nice. Show him your moving on, you're interested in your lovely kids, not men who are immature. Plus given the circumstances, you don't have choice. These are the cards you're dealt- so play them. Soon he'll be thinking, "What about meee?".

    Yea bringing the 'girlfriend' around will just confuse the kids- keep her away.

  • Well i do not let the kids around the new girlfriend and he still has some of my stuff that i keep asking for and he keeps telling me that he will bring it to me but he always never brings it and says things like i have not got it together yet. Why would he be holding on to these things for. he can not were my clothes and has no need for my movies and other stuff. makes me wonder why he has not brought them over we only live a block away from each othernot like he could not drop the stuff off.

  • Do you really want to be a stepping stone, rolling stone, or a gemstone. The time has come for you to move on & be good to yourself.

  • he came by the other day and told my daughter that he loves her and her brother and that he loves me he just is not in love with me right now what is he trying to do

  • jb358 - re your last comment, perhaps he is trying to convey the message to your children that he loves them and that he will always love them....regardless of who he is with (very commendable). He has also said something nice about you in front of them. However, it sounds as though he has made up his mind on the love front. What I would do personally (& have done,so I'm speaking from experience) is to concentrate on your children and try to make their lives as happy as possible. Make sure that you be as nice about their dad and assure them of your love for them too. I would encourage regular contact between him & your children - use the time he has them to pamper yourself and make plans to revitalise your social life. I would have him pick up the children...not come in your house (with or without his girlfriend). Above all, remain civil - being bitter won't be good for you or the children - hard I know, but don't let him rule your life and being civil may improve your chances of reuniting with him or starting again with somebody else. Good luck.

  • Here's how I see it, It is very, very, very, rare that a relationship can survive this kind of indecency, usually the couple will go back and forth for years before they finally give up on something that probably didn't stand a chance from the beginning. Think about it for a minute, how could anyone ever trust the other partner again after such a devastating split. I am not saying it can't be done, but, it's rare.

    Don't waste anymore of your time trying to figure out what to do, use your time to build a long, healthy relationship with your children (like rnrchick said). Before you know those kids will be grown up and gone. Set a good example for them, one filled with grace, dignity, pride, and most of all honesty (the kids should not know any of what is going on between the two of you) by honesty I mean, you have to set an example for your children and show them the rewards of living a good, clean, honest, life.

    I am so sorry for your pain, good luck and keep us posted.

  • We're all very good, in one way or another, at rationalising, aren't we?

  • This man needs a wake up call! You are a beautiful, and intelligent woman. Do not call him and do not email him. You need to make yourself happy. And that means go out and do some things or activities that you are interested in. You may find yourself a lot happier without this man. Sometimes the man will be unhappy and need the excitement of a new relationship. Why would you want to be seconds?. Trust me on this....go sign up for classes, go out with the girls, do not answer his calls for a day or two....or his email.... and then make it short. Sometimes the man will do a turn around, when they see you having a fulfilling life without them. If you showed neediness, that is a turnoff to them. So be a strong and beautiful woman that you are and make yourself happy first. Who knows, you may not want this guy after you discover the new you.! Do not be available to available to yourself!.... get a new hairstyle, makeup, exercise, clothes. Good luck and be strong, there are so many men out there to love you!...and only you!..Brenda

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